A Word to Live By

Looking back, can I honestly say I was completely "successful" at raising my son? I would be lying if I even whispered the word -- yes. Like all parents, I made my share of mistakes in raising my child and in parenting my foster children. But I also had many successes and learned a great deal from my varied experiences.

If I were asked how to raise a happy, well adjusted child, I would share with them one word I created -- CHEAR. Let me share the meaning I assigned to each of those letters and their importance in child rearing.

C - Communicate!
H - Hear!
E - Encourage!
A - Accept!
R - Respect!

Communicate

For mothers, communication begins well before birth. For the limited period of time, when that little girl or boy is growing within her belly, a bond is being formed. Even in the womb, the developing baby comes to know it's mother's voice!

Fathers need not feel left out during this period of time, as they can and should snuggle up to baby's temporary home and talk to him. In the latter months of development, the world outside the womb is quite audible by the infant. When I was a mere five months pregnant, I went to a Ringling Bros. Big Top Circus performance. Every single time the music played and the crowds cheered, my son became quite active -- kicking and moving about.

From the time they are born, our children communicate with us and we with them, not only vocally, but by our actions as well. Look into the eyes of a newborn when you are talking to them, and you will often be rewarded with their full attention as they gaze back at you.

Keeping those lines of communication open from birth, clear through those hormone driven teen years, will give your child the best chance of realizing his potential. It's true, the number of gray hairs in your head may increase during those latter years, but it's a small price to pay for successful parenting.

Hear

As parents, we must be the ones running the show, but it's vitally important to "hear" what our children have to say as well. When infants, we learn what their various cries mean, quickly distinguishing between cries of fear, hunger, and tiredness.

In turn, they quickly learn from how we talk to them -- soothing, gently, harshly, loudly. From a very young age, most children can easily read their parents "like a book".

Life seems much more hectic in this day and age, but we must take the time to make sure to really listen to our children. They are our future and it is our responsibility to both hear and help them grow into caring, loving, productive adults.

Encourage

I consider the need for encouragement to be absolutely vital! You can take two children of equal intelligence and if one receives regular, healthy doses of encouragement while the other meets with regular doses of negative feedback, it will greatly impact on the potential for success on the second child.

All children are quite unique, even identical twins, but all children need and thrive on encouragement, both at home and at school. We can all probably recall a single teacher we had in school who sparked our desire to learn and achieve. Likewise, we can also probably recall a teacher who seemed to care only about a select few and failed to inspire the rest.

Regardless of their age, our children need our encouragement. They need to know we will stand behind them "no matter what!"

Accept

Closely tied to encouragement, is acceptance. Our children need to know we accept them for who they are, with their myriad of strengths and weaknesses. This is especially important in those times when our children enter into power struggles with us.

If someone promised me $500,000 to re-live the years my son was 14-17 I wouldn't hesitate to say, "No Way!" We all survived that roller coaster, but thankfully it was a one-time ticket. And like most grandparents, I have this devilish little laugh deep within me when I think his time will come to experience that rough ride.

It's ok to let your kids know you are disappointed in them -- angry, shocked, or whatever. But never, ever let a day end without them knowing you love them. I grew up in a family that never said the "L" word, but it truly is a word that warms the spirit. Even to this day, when my son and I talk on the phone (he lives 1500 miles away) we end each phone conversation with an honest, simple, "Love you."

Respect

Last, but certainly not least, is simple respect. Our children, regardless of what stage of growing up they are going through, need and deserve to be respected for who they are.

Who they are is not necessarily who we would like them to be, but as individuals, we need to respect their individuality -- likes, dislikes, etc. We can advise, help and guide them, as we should, but we will never be able to fashion them in the mold we might prefer for them to be.

With caring, loving support from parents, grandparents and others, the "mistakes" our children make will serve to make them better, successful adults. And when the task of raising a child makes 18 years seem like 80, I like the following bit of sage wisdom..."This, too, shall pass!"

Happy Parenting!