A child's first experience with death changes her life - or ends it. |
“Mommy, where are we going?” asked Michelle from the backseat of her father’s blue van. She was wearing her nicest black dress, or as nice as they come for five year old girls in Trailer Park, USA. Her blondish-brown hair was in pigtails, tied with black ribbon, and her bangs were curled above her misty blue eyes. She was holding her doll, Missy, in her arms and playing with her black, synthetic curls. “Daddy, do you know where we’re going?” she asked when her mother didn’t respond. Andy Isaacs, Michelle’s father, sighed and tightened his grip on the steering wheel. “We’re going… to see your Grandmother.” “Oh!” she exclaimed, her face lighting up, “Is it Christmas? Because Mommy told me to dress up today and we never dress up unless we go to Gramma’s Christmas parties!” Michelle bounced up and down with Missy. She loved Gramma’s parties! When they had ice cream, Gramma always gave her an extra spoonful of chocolate, her favorite. Last time Michelle went to her house, Gramma gave Missy to her. There was always a gift waiting at Gramma’s house for her only little grand-daughter! “Sweetheart, it’s not Christmas, and we aren’t going to Gramma’s house. I guess,” Andy said, looking at his wife, Lisa, who was holding her head in her hands, “I guess you could call it a party. There will be lots of people there. You’ve probably seen them at the Christmas parties.” “Daddy?” “Yes, Honey?” “Why are we following so many cars? And why are more cars following us? I’ve seen them there for a long time Daddy. Are they bad people coming to get us?” “No, they’re going to the party, just like us.” “Oh,” she said, looking out the back window. “I think this is Gramma’s biggest party yet, ‘cause there must be a gazillion cars back there, Daddy!” “Yes, a lot of people knew your Grandmother. They loved her.” His heart shattered, piece by piece, a little more as he watched his wife tremble and listened to her mute sobs. “Why don’t you just play quietly with Missy for a little while, alright? Mommy is tired, and she needs quiet right now. Okay Sweetie?” “Okay Daddy!” For almost an hour, Michelle and Missy played the ABC game (which was difficult, driving in the almost empty towns) and told eachother their secrets. They talked in their heads, and Michelle laughed from time to time. Missy was just such a silly person! “Hey Missy… I wish I were just like you.” “Why is that, Michelle?” “Because. You’re so pretty. Your hair is soft and curly. Mommy always tells me that I don’t take care of my hair, even though I try really hard to. And she tells me I’m too small. And too sick too much. You’re not too small, and you’re never sick.” “But Michelle, you’re a big girl. You’re always so happy. And you’re a person.” “You are too, Missy. Hey, Missy?” “Yes?” “Will we always be friends?” “Forever and ever, Michelle.” “I’m glad, Missy.” She hugged her doll tightly and smiled. She leaned her head back carefully closed her eyes. “I get to see Gramma soon….” She whispered as she fell asleep. -------------------- “Lisa, she didn’t know!” “But… she’s just so stupid sometimes! I mean, can’t she see me crying? Can’t she hear me cry when she talks about my mother?” “Lisa, she doesn’t know. We still haven’t told her. Do you know what this is going to do to her? And of course she can’t hear. You’re huddled up here and she’s in the very back of the car.” “She’s seen me at home!” “It’s been three days. And at any mention of Eva, you run into the bedroom saying you have to do our taxes, pay bills, make the already made bed. Which you never do that when you say you are going to.” “What are you saying, Andy?” “I am saying that she is five. She doesn’t know what’s going on! You can’t hold her responsible, and whether you’re her mother or not, you have no right to call her stupid. Or anything else condescending.” Lisa stared in disbelief at her husband of six years. “Condescending? I am condescending? I can’t talk with my mother anymore and my daughter won’t shut up about her! How am I supposed to react to that?” “Well, she was my mother-in-law and I loved her too. And you don’t see me telling Michelle to shut up, calling her stupid, or running away from my problems, do you?” Lisa buried her face in a Kleenex. “Don’t talk to me any more until we get to the service.” “Fine. Hey - -” “I said don’t talk to me.” “I know. But Lisa, we’re there.” ---------------- “Mommy, why is everyone in black, like us? Oh, did the Christmas colors change this year?” “It’s not Christmas, Michelle…” “For this sort of party,” Andy interrupted, “it’s a very good idea to wear black.” “But Daddy, black is such a sad color. I want to wear my pretty white dress Gramma made for me. Don’t you think Gramma makes the prettiest dresses?” Lisa’s stomach tightened and she sobbed a little more into her handkerchief. “Mommy?” Michelle got no reply from her mother. “Mommy, why are you crying? … You always cry when I talk now, Mommy.” Lisa still did not speak. “Daddy, does Mommy hate me? ‘Cause at school, that Alison girl says that her Mommy hates her Daddy because they don’t talk. So does Mommy hate me now? Because she doesn’t talk to me anymore.” Andy picked Michelle up and held her tightly in his arms. “Mommy loves you, Sweetheart, very much. She’s just having a tough time right now.” “How about Missy?” “Missy loves you too.” “No, Daddy. Does Mommy love Missy?” “I’m sure she does, Sweetie,” he said as he kissed Michelle’s cheek. “Yay!” she cried as she ran to Lisa, once Andy put her down. Barely tall enough to reach Lisa’s hips, Michelle wrapped her arms just around her mother’s legs. “Missy and I love you too, Mommy!!” Lisa took a minute to collect herself, and then took Michelle’s hand in hers. “Come on. They saved seats just for us, isn’t that nice?” “I think that’s wonderful, Mommy!” ----------------------------- Michelle sat under the tents that were set up for the party, on a chair saved just for her. She was swinging her legs back and forth and humming the Horsey Song. “Horsey, horsey, we’re on our way. We’ve been together for many-a-day, So let your tail go swish And the wheels go round, Giddy up, we’re homeward bound!” I like to take my horse and buggy As I go traveling through the town. I like to hear old dobbins, Clip clop, I like to see the wheels go ‘round.” “That sounded beautiful,” Missy told Michelle. “Thanks Missy. Gramma taught it to me. Did your Gramma teach you songs?” “I don’t have a Gramma. I wish I did, but dolls don’t have Grammas.” “Oh. That’s sad, I’m sorry.” “Don’t be, it’s fine, Michelle.” The five year old smiled and looked around herself. They were in a big field, with stones sticking up from the ground everywhere. Most of them had numbers and letters on them. There were flowers and wreaths beside many of them, but some didn’t have any decoration at all. There was a wide, neatly paved road to her left, and a shiny black car was driving toward the gathering. “Daddy, what’s that car called?” With reluctance, Andy told her that the car was called a hearse. “Oh. Well I’ve never seen one before.” “I know you haven’t. These cars are usually only around for parties like this one.” “Really? That’s neat, Daddy!” “I’ll be right back, Sweetheart,” Andy said as he patted Michelle’s head, “You be good for Mommy, okay?” The hearse had stopped just across from the tents and Andy was opening the doors in the back. There were about five other men with him, and they were pulling something out of the car. “Mommy, look! Remember when you and Daddy went on the treasure hunt a few days ago? Remember? Well that’s a big shiny box they have, and treasure boxes are big and shiny, with more shiny stuff inside! Is that a treasure box? Did you and Daddy find the treasure, Mommy?” Tears falling down her skin, Lisa stared almost blankly at Michelle. “A treasure hunt… What do you mean?” “Oh, well, you see, a few days ago, when you and Daddy went somewhere without me, Missy told me that you and Daddy were going on a treasure hunt! I was sad for a while, because I wanted to go, but then the babysitter made cookies for me and Missy, so I was happy. But you didn’t bring home a treasure box, so I thought you didn’t find the treasure. You did, though, didn’t you? That’s a treasure box, isn’t it?” Lisa, still crying, nodded her head. “Yes… Daddy and I went searching for the treasure box… That’s what that is, a treasure box…” Michelle could hardly contain herself. A real life treasure box! This party must be one where people get to have some of the treasure, because Mommy and Daddy are nice people who share! And they chose Gramma to hand out the treasure. And we wear black so that all the gold and jewels stand out better! Andy and the other men set the treasure box down on a stand just in front of the seated gathering, and an old man stepped forward. “Brothers and Sisters, we are gathered here today to mourn the passing of Emily Eva Isakson. We would like to extend a vote of thanks to the pallbearers, and we excuse them to sit with their families at this time. We will begin this service by hearing from the husband of the deceased, Alfred William Isakson.” Michelle saw her Grampa walk up to the stand where the old man had been standing at. “Look, Missy! Grampa’s going to talk to all of us! He’s probably going to tell us all about the treasure box.” Michelle waved excitedly at her Grampa, but he didn’t seem to notice. She waved more, but Missy told her to stop. “He’s not looking at me though. He’s not looking at anyone. He’s…. crying. Missy, why is Grampa crying?” “Because something sad happened to him.” “But there’s lots of treasure there! He should be very happy!” “That’s a different kind of treasure, Michelle.” “Different?” Before Missy could reply, two men escorted her shaking grandfather from the stand. This was too much for the poor man. How could anyone expect him to speak at this? After what had happened, he’d never be the same. He’d never be able to speak about it, about the time they had and the time they lost, about what she was, and what she is now. A few more people came up and spoke. Michelle sat still, and an unsettled feeling came over her. Something was terribly wrong. She hadn’t seen Gramma yet. The people who were talking were also crying, blowing their noses, and shaking as they came on the stand and left. They all looked sadly at the treasure box, and pained expressions came on their faces when they did. It was a treasure box, no one should be sad! Finally the old man came up again and said, “We would like to thank the speakers for their stirring eulogies. We would now like to commence with the viewing. We invite the immediate family to come first, followed by friends and guests. Please take your time, and drive safely on your journey home.” Michelle started shaking, and Andy picked her up. “Daddy, what’s going on? I don’t understand.” “Michelle, what you’re going to see might scare you a little, and it’s okay. It’s okay to be scared and it’s okay to cry, alright?” “You’re making me afraid, Daddy…” “It’s okay to be afraid.” Andy set her down in front of the box and flipped the latch on the soft blue box. Lisa stood behind Michelle and tried very hard not to cry. Needless to say, it didn’t work that well. As her husband lifted the lid, she gasped and covered her mouth. There were a few steps and Michelle hurried up them. “Gramma!” she exclaimed, “Daddy, it’s Gramma! Why would I be sad? Look, Missy! It’s Gramma and she’s just fine! Nothing is wrong!” Michelle jumped excitedly, because finally, she saw Gramma. Missy’s fake curls bounced up and down, just like Michelle’s pigtails. “Wow, Gramma, Your hair looks really pretty done up like that. But you’re not supposed to wear a white dress to this party, you know. You’re supposed to wear black so that the treasure stands out more, you know that, right? Right? But you still look pretty!” Michelle leaned over Gramma and hugged her, but immediately pulled away. “Gramma is really cold, Daddy. We should bring her a blanket, or her shawl." “Those things won’t help her now, Michelle. She couldn’t feel them. She doesn’t feel the cold.” “What are you talking about?” “Michelle… She’s asleep.” Asleep? Then why was Daddy scaring her if she was just asleep? Suddenly, Missy broke into her thoughts, saying, “Has it ever occurred to you that he could be lying? Maybe she’s not asleep. Maybe it’s something else. Ask him.” Michelle looked at her father, then at Missy again. “Daddy… Missy say’s it’s something else… that she’s not just asleep.” She turned her wet, blue eyes up to him. “I… She’s asleep.” “He’s lying,” Missy repeated. “What’s wrong with her? I know you’re lying! Gramma,” she said, turning to the contents of the treasure box. “I know this is something else…. Gramma, please wake up. I need you, Gramma…” Straightening up and scowling, she continued, “If you don’t listen to me, I won’t come to your parties anymore, and I won’t play cards with you or hug you. So you have to wake up. You have to!” “Sweetheart,” Andy said, looking at Lisa but talking to Michelle, “Let’s give Mommy a chance to see Gramma, okay?” “No! I’m going to wake her up! She’s coming back now. Gramma, get up.” There was a pause. “Gramma, I said get up. Get up now. GET UP, GRAMMA!!” Michelle stomped repeatedly on the wooden stand and people behind her gasped, and began gossiping. “What’s wrong with her?” “Don’t Andy and Lisa know better than to bring a child to something like this?” “I heard she’s mentally ill.” “She really has anger problems.” “The poor dear….” “She’ll be scarred for life.” “What’s her name, again?” Michelle began to cry. She didn’t understand. But at the same time, she understood more than anyone else. “Gramma…. I need you. Daddy’s lying to me, and the people are saying mean things about me. And I need a new blanket and Missy wants a new outfit. And I wanna watch Barney with you and I wanna play hopscotch…. And I want you back, Gramma…. Please?” Michelle’s words became incomprehensible slurs of syllables, no one could understand her. She was crying so hard, everything was getting distorted in the ears of those who didn’t believe anymore. Who knows why, exactly, but Lisa stepped from behind Andy and turned Michelle around by her shoulders. “Do you want to know the truth?” “Yes, Mommy.” “Okay. This isn’t a party, this is called a funeral. Everyone is in black because - -“ “Lisa, no! She’s already traumatized enough, seeing her grandmother like this, let it drop! She’ll forget in no time.” “Andy, you let it drop. She’s seen enough trauma, yeah, but the truth can’t hurt any more than what I feel, can it? Besides, you don’t know what she’ll forget or not. Michelle, this is a funeral. A funeral is where we bury people who die. Everyone is in black because they are sad, and black is a sad color, and people are sad when someone dies. Are you understanding this?” Michelle was silently crying, and nodded in affirmation. “Okay. This means that they will close the box and bury Gramma in the ground. She’s not asleep, she’s something that is called ‘dead’. Understand? She won’t come back.” Lisa paused and mentally repeated the last phrase: She won’t come back. It was something she, too, had to accept. It really wasn’t Michelle’s fault. Michelle didn’t know what had happened, she didn’t even understand what ‘dead’ was. “Daddy was lying because he didn’t want you to be hurt, not because he’s mean or doesn’t love you. He really does love you, Michelle. And so do I.” Lisa took Michelle tightly in her arms and they cried together. “I love you with all my heart, and I’m so sorry for being mean to you lately, I really love you, baby girl!” Between sobs, Michelle told Lisa that she loved her, too. The ride home was quiet. They had left early, not wanting to be with all that suffering anymore, they had enough of their own. At least, it was until Michelle asked what the box that held Gramma was really called. “That is…. It’s called a casket, Michelle.” The child took out the funeral program and asked for a pen from her father. For the remainder of her life, she was almost entirely silent. -------------------------------------------------- How does a child stay almost silent for her entire life? Well, it’s rather easy when she was conscious for only one and a half hours after the funeral. There was a police officer chasing a drunk driver. Being intoxicated, the driver was swerving, spinning out of control, and it hit the side of the blue van. In an investigation of the vehicles, a paper was found. It had an image of many caskets on it, with the words scrawled in beginner’s writing, “TREASURE BOXES”. The papers later reported that the windows on the right side had been completely shattered, the pieces blowing in to the car. The woman in the passenger seat was nearly crushed from the dent damage on her door, and some shards of glass were stuck in her body. Some of the shards even reached the man in the driver seat. Both essentially got away unharmed by the collision. The daughter is, at this point, in critical condition, the papers said. About two weeks later, when Mr. and Mrs. Isakson were both out of the hospital, Michelle came out of her coma for a short two hour time frame, in total. By the time her parents had responded to the notification and arrived at the hospital, they had about five minutes with their daughter. “Mommy…. Daddy…” she called to them, towards the end of it all. “We’re here, baby, we’re right here with you.” Andy stroked Michelle’s glass-scarred face and Lisa was patting her hand. The parents were both in tears. Michelle coughed and smiled. “Missy promised to be with me forever.” Lisa saw the doll lying on a table by Michelle’s hospital bed and quickly picked it up, only to place it in her dying daughter’s hands moments later. “Mommy?” “Yes, sweetie?” “Don’t worry. Let me go to sleep, too, Mommy. I’ll be back with Gramma…” “No, Michelle, you’ll be fine! I know it!” “It’s okay, Mommy. I’m happy.” With her last breath, she smiled and whispered, Missy cradled in her arms, “I can have my own treasure box now.” |