Inside Looking Out

Sarah:
         
“Sarah!”  The constant calling of my name seeps under my door to once again destroy the peaceful harmony I find with my music and me… no other world or thought of the future…just me. “Sarah! I know you hear me, come down here!” I roll my eyes as I sit up on my bed bracing me for yet another talk about my “future…”.
As I descend the stairs I see the school envelope on the coffee table and the folded grade report waving in her hand. “We need to talk about this.” My mom scolded me. “What happened? You can’t slack off now. This is the most important year that colleges look at. Sarah, you know this!” She shook her head at me in disappointment as she sat down on the couch. “I mean how many times have we talked about it! Your four point GPA will mean nothing if you start getting C’s now! Don’t you still want that amazing future we always dreamed about when you were little? Doesn’t it mean anything to you anymore? Don’t make all that hard work we did for nothing!”
There was that we word again. We??? Where is this we I keep hear you talking about? Last I checked this was my future and these were my choices. I’m sorry you’re disappointed with the choices that you made, but that doesn’t mean you get a second chance at your glory days through me! This is my life! Now back off! If only I actually knew how to say this to her. Instead the same words just naturally fall off my tongue, “I know Mom, but it was just a bad week. I mean, we barely even have any grades in. It’s not a big deal. Really.” Maybe it was a little true.
“Well, either way, until these grades go back up, no more Kevin, and no more going out on weeknights; just time for school, work, and soccer, otherwise I want you here studying.”
“But Mom! That’s ridiculous! I’m trying to get everything done! With soccer, I hardly ever get to see my friends anyway,” I pleaded with her.
“There will plenty of time for that this summer and after you graduate, Sarah,” She coldly stated. “This is what is important right now and that’s final.” I know that it’s pointless to try and argue with her, so I just slowly turn around and attempt to walk away. But, no sooner does my foot graze the first stair; she starts talking again, “Wait! Now where are you going?” she continued. “Anyway, that’s not the only thing I wanted to talk to you about.” My stomach sank and twisted. The muscles in the back of my throat clenched up and I could feel the tears in my eyes well up. I can only handle so much of the disappointment oozing from her voice in one sitting. “So, I’ve been thinking about Spring Break. I just don’t think that you can afford to lose a week of time like that. So instead of you going to Florida with your friends, we are going to use that week to go on college visits! Okay?” She doesn’t bother to wait for a response. What’s the point? It’s not like anything I could say would matter. “Okay good! So I want a list of your top five schools by, hmmm, Friday, okay? Sounds great! I’m already excited.”
I didn’t even know how to respond. The anger just wells up in me, about to explode all over the walls. I mean it is my life! My work. My choices. My time. Why won’t she let me do it my way and make my own mistakes? I felt the vibration of my phone in my back pocket, undoubtedly Kevin or Chelsea wondering where I was. I’ve got to get out of here. I need to breath. I calmed myself, trying to choke back the anger that was now building with a rapid pace. The anger calmed in a smooth wave. I slowly inhaled to make sure it all settled and no small spatter would escape with my words. “Are you sure?” I begged. “I swear, Just let me have Spring Break and I’ll be completely committed to school when I get back. I promise!”
“You can go next year. I’m sorry, but that’s final.” Not even an ounce of sympathy crawled across her face, just the cold hard features as usual.
“Fine.” I sigh and start my retreat up the stairs to hide the tears that are now freely rolling down my cheeks. Afraid that their discovery could possibly cause further disappointment.






Parental Pressure: the need to please your role model no matter the cost. The quest for the perfect grades, their perfect future, and their perfect child. The unattainable perfection adds stress to a teen’s life

Chelsea:

         Every morning we are forced into this small building, where each day we go through the same routine; we fill out the same kind of worksheets, do the same kind of projects. Each day seems mundanely similar to the days before it. Yet, there are those brief moments between the mind numbing lectures that the hallways are filled with the laughter, the tears, the gossiping, the fights, and the reunions of the “oh so important lovers”. These make up the true high school experiences.
Encircled by my closest group of friends, we stand listening to the latest dramas that unfolded the night before; the break up of the cheerleader and the football star, the suspected baby bump on the class goody good, and the math wiz that got caught in the closet (we’ll just say it was his time to come out). I looked around for Sarah, but her bright smile was nowhere to be found. “ Hey! Kevin!” I called over the chatter.
“Oh, hey Chels, have you seen Sarah?”
“ No, I haven’t talked to her since last night. You know her mom started in on her again. That girl worries me. She always wants to make everybody happy. She thinks it’s her job.”
“I know. I’ve tried to tell her about a hundred times. She can’t always be perfect. Not to mention she’s already about the closest thing to it that I’ve ever seen.”
“God. You are in love with that girl.” I rolled my eyes. “Oh there she is!” I noticed the bright blonde hair floating towards us before I could even recognize the face that came with it. However, she floated right past me into the arms of the tall blonde boy waiting for her. So much for chicks before dicks, I couldn’t help but think to myself. The envious greed swallowed up my emotion and reason. I could almost feel the green tint spread like wildfire across my face. I mean, it’s hard enough to always be the sidekick to my perfect best friend. It’s bad enough to always be the girl that’s alone. I mean, I really don’t mind the shadow. It’s easy to hide in. But, why did she have to pick him? I know she can see the pain in my eyes every time I see them together. Why did I have to fall for him? As he leaned over to kiss her on the forehead, it was like a punch right in the stomach. God, I’m a horrible friend.
“Oh hey Chels! I didn’t even see you there. I swear sometimes you’re so quiet I think you are invisible.”
“Yeah, you know me, I’m always getting trapped in my head.” I weakly smiled at her.
“If you say so, Chels,” he laughed with that perfect smirk that would make any girls’ heart melt.
         God I love how he says my name.




















Jealousy: The things we want and know we can’t have. Followed by the need to hide it from the people we care about add stress to our lives. Constantly fearing people will discover what we really think and want.

Kevin:

Her perfect blonde hair swishes over her shoulders as she walks down the hall. Everything about her seems perfect on the outside. But, I know her better than to fall for this. When you know her, her sadness and insecurities show through every one of her movements. She even walks sad. How? I can’t quite understand. But, what can I say, I guess she’s gifted like that? The guilt started to once again build up in my body. Quickly, I turned and walked in the direction of my first hour.
I slipped into the back of the class where my friends always left a desk right in the middle for me. “Dude, Brian, what am I going to do? I mean, I love hanging out with her and all but, how much baggage can one girl have. It’s just too much to handle. God I feel like a jackass, but I just can’t do this anymore.”















Guilt: The guilt eats away at our subconscious and puts pressure on us to do the right thing or to rid the source of the guilt.

Sarah:

Discreetly I pulled my phone out of my pocket. Thank God for Chelsea. I thought to myself. I seriously don’t know what I would do without that girl. At least, I know I don’t have to once again listen to Mr. Phillips drag on about tax laws again. Surprised I looked down and saw Kevin’s name sprawled across the screen of my phone. An insuppressible smile crept its way across my lips. However, as I flipped open the cover of the phone my heart sank at the words that were staring me in the eyes. The tears began to well up in my throat. My mind racing at the hundreds of possibilities of what the message meant. Completely oblivious to the world around me, everything spun in a giant blur. I didn’t even notice Mr. Philips walking by until he was taking my phone from my hands and replacing it with a pink detention slip. Shit.  I thought to myself. What’s Mom going to say about this?  I can almost hear her already.
“See Sarah, I told you that boy was going to be nothing but trouble. You should be more responsible than to even have your phone in class. I’m so disappointed in you...blah blah blah.” Same song, new tune.
I wish I could just learn to stand up for myself. Hell, I’d settle for just being myself, but no, instead I’m stuck trying to make everyone else happy! Someone has to do it, right?










Relationships: Constant worry of doing the right or wrong thing, break ups and crushes all add stress to our lives.
Chelsea:

The fat lumpy girl that stares back at me in the mirror of the women’s restroom alone made me gag. She doesn’t have the thin thighs and flat stomach that Sarah seems to find so easily. The guilt from the dinner I had just inhaled once again sent me running to the nearest stall. My now trained gag reflex barely needed any prompting; the contents of my stomach came pouring out. “Much Better.” I thought aloud. I pulled the toothbrush and toothpaste out of my purse to rid the incriminating bitter taste remaining in my mouth. Taking my time to carefully clean each tooth and rinse all the remnants down the drain. Again standing in front of the mirror, I carefully adjust my top and make sure everything looks perfect. In reality just trying to waste a little more time before going back to the table. Knowing perfectly well, having left my parents alone for a moment, they were undoubtedly arguing over something miniscule and the peace of the evening was once again ruined.
Surprisingly, as I come within view of the table, I didn’t find the usual screaming match, but instead them talking in hushed tones. My mother notices me walking toward them and subtly tries to hush my father while just smiling innocently at me, as if I wouldn’t suspect a thing. “What’s going on?” I question.
“Okay, the reason why your father and I brought you out tonight is to talk to you in public. You know, that way we know this won’t become a drama.” The worry in her eyes makes my whole body panic.
Oh no! I thought to myself. They know! How did they find out! They just won’t understand, I mean I have it under control. It’s none of their business. Just before the panic starts to burst out of mouth my mom begins to speak in her calm controlled voice.
“Now, I’m sure you’ve noticed your father and I have been fighting a lot lately. We want you to know, it’s not your fault. We’ve been talking about it and we think it might be best that we get a divorce. Before we completely hate each other.”
A sigh of relief runs through my body. My secret is safe for today. “Oh.”
“Are you okay honey?”
“Yeah, I’m fine Mom. It’s not like this is any big surprise. I’ve just been waiting for you two to realize how unbearable you’ve become together. Is Dad going to stay in town though? I mean I don’t want to have to do the whole spend my summer and breaks halfway across the country thing.  That’s just not fair to me!”
“You know Chelsea, it’s okay to be upset. Even your Mom and I were upset when we realized this was our only option. If you want to talk to someone we’d be more than happy to pay for it. We just want you to be okay and happy. You are most important.”
“Dad, I’m not some psycho. I don’t need a therapist. I’ll be just fine.” Yeah that would be just what I need, some nosey old hag snooping around in my thoughts and judging me. Some shrink wouldn’t even know me so how could they possibly understand anything about me?
















Divorce: Going through a divorce and having your life (where you live and with who) taken out of your hands and put in someone else’s adds stress to a teens life and makes the “take control” of other things that no one else can such as eating habits.
Body Image: Concerns about and pressure to try to look like everyone else in order to fit in can lead to further issues such as eating disorders like anorexia or bulimia

Kevin:

“I don’t know you guys. This is probably a bad idea.” I could feel the bass of the music from the house through the floor of the car. The brightly lit windows contrasted like big stars with the black sky and empty cornfields that surrounded it.
“Oh come on Kev, you know you want to go in. I mean if this can’t make you forget about Sarah, then, I don’t know what will. At least for an hour, then if you still want to leave we’ll go with no objections. Deal?” Brain begged. I knew that I would never get to leave once I went in, but the pleading eyes of my friends in the back seat were too much to say no to. Not to mention, I didn’t know how much longer I could stand to sit in that overly cologne infested car.
“Fine. Let’s go. But only for an hour.” The walk up to the front door reeked of vomit and beer. Just as we reached the front steps a group of kids we knew from school stumbled out the door and down the stairs laughing so hard they could barely walk, maybe that was the beer but either way, they were gone. The music inside was deafening, with people drunkenly dancing and flailing about. A lot of my friends from school were there, but many more were faces of people I’d never seen before. Brian appeared at my side and handed me a red plastic cup over flowing with cold beer.
“Kev, remember when in Rome.” Brian yelled as he held his cup in the air as if to toast me.
“God using my own words against me, that’s hardly fair.” I shrugged and downed the first cup. Surprisingly, it seemed to help a little. The guilt that had recently taken stay in the pit of my stomach melted away, replaced by an almost warm, fuzzy, feeling.
A few beers later my judgment was out the door. Brian had me once again picking up random drunk girls for future hook ups, getting cell phone numbers and pictures on my phone (for the morning of course). Brian guided me upstairs. “Now, since you did bring us here and it’s almost your birthday, I have a present for you.” He cracked open the door to a brightly lit room I quickly realized was the bathroom.
“What are we going to do in here?” I said, my eyes squinting from the bright lights. Once they adjusted, I saw a short white powdery line on the counter. “No way man, I’m already screwed up.”
“Come on, just do it. You can’t graduate before you’ve tried it!” he pushed me toward it. I leaned over the sink, took a deep breath and then everything went black. The last thing I remember is the burning in the back of my throat. However, the next morning I woke up naked in a bed I didn’t know.























Peer Pressure: The need to follow the crowd to fit in causes excess stress and leads to poor decisions on issues like drinking, drugs, and sex.

Sarah:

         Everything is falling apart. All I ever wanted was to make everyone happy. I failed on every part; my grades are never good enough, my classes never hard enough, my running is never fast enough, my serving is never nice or perky enough, my love is never sweet enough, my clothes and make-up never pretty enough, my friendship is never solid enough, I’m not even selfless enough.
The tears of pain and failure roll down my face. What do I do now? I lost my one true love, and to try and have him, I sacrificed my best friend. I’m alone. The sharp steel is cold against my soft pink flesh. Each swipe cut deeper into my flesh. Who would miss me anyway?
I swallowed a couple of pain killers to try and ease the inconsolable pain that comes from inside, and that couldn’t be quieted by the pain on the outside. The deep red blood drips down my arm in rippling streams. Crimson droplets slowly soak into my khaki pants.
“I just can’t do this anymore.” The pool of blood on the white tile shocks me back to reality, but only for a moment. I take my phone out of my pocket and dial Chelsea’s number. The phone rings and rings as I knew it would. She’s having dinner with her parents tonight. Her familiar sad voice chimes in with her voicemail. “Chelsea it’s me, Sarah, I just want you to know that I’m sorry. I love you. I wish I was a better friend to you. You deserve so much better than me. You’re gorgeous, you shouldn’t ever think anything different. I love you girl. Please, just be happy.” I pushed the end button, and tried to wipe the bloody fingerprints from the keys.
As I attempt to stand up, to try clean up the evidence from the floor, everything spins into a blur. Crimson blood begins spilling out of my veins even faster now. I stumbled backward trying to grab hold of the sink, but instead collapsed, falling back onto the cold tile floor. I’m just so tired... They won’t miss me… I’m just a disappointment….
Fear of Failure: The fear or the feeling of failing yourself and or important people in your life adds an immense amount of stress. This is closely related with stress or pressure that comes with dealing with or planning for the future (college/career goals).
Kevin:

         I find my clothes scattered across the floor. My head pounds from the light pouring in the front window. I look down at the street, my car still parked in front of the house. “Okay, so where are you then Brian?” I walked out of the bedroom, people were passed out everywhere; scattered on the stairs and couches and sprawled across the floor. I slowly make my way down the stairs into the kitchen. The first thing I notice is Brian’s perfectly shined red and white Converses sticking out from behind the counter. As I make my way over to him, I can tell instantly from the color in his face, something was not right. “Brian! Dude, Brian! Wake up!” I screamed, “Oh my god, someone call an ambulance!” However, anyone that could actually hear me was too hung over to care, they just wanted quiet. I grab the phone off the counter. “I need help. There was a party,  I just found my friend, he’s not moving! I think there’s something wrong with him. Please, help me.” I sink to my knees and sob over his body, praying that maybe I’m wrong; maybe he’d be okay.













Dealing with Loss: the stress of saying goodbye and wondering if there wasn’t something you could have done to save their life or if it should have been you instead.


A Night of Teen Tragedy:
The tragedy it takes to wake a small town from the ideals of a perfect life, and the perfect town, with the perfect children is mind shattering.
Last night, two students from American High met with their tragic untimely deaths.
First, Sarah Watson, (17 a junior,) committed suicide when the pressures of her life became too much to handle. Although family and friends did not wish to openly comment on the matter, a source wanted us to let it be known that Sarah simply could no longer handle the pressures of her life. She didn’t know how else to tell people that she just couldn’t measure up to the standards they had set for her. One teen can’t be everything.
The second student, Brian Johnson, (18 a senior,) was an all-American student. He played varsity sports, yet participated in honors and AP classes.
He and some friends, however, partied and had a little too much fun. Brian died from alcohol poisoning. His family also chose not to comment. However, friends have expressed their shock at his death. “Brian was always the responsible one.” The stresses of peer pressure have taken yet another victim.
The principle at American quoted that “These events have been a wake-up call to the staff here. These issues have now been brought into light and we will be taking great measures to try and prevent anything like this from happening in the future.”
He went on to discuss plans of having mandatory assemblies on dealing with stress, its causes and its effects, and how to go about getting help when it’s needed.
“We’re also going to be taking action to set up a 24-hour help line in the area for people who find themselves facing peer pressure, stress, or having suicidal thoughts.”
I hope that the unfolding of this weekend’s events is a wake up call to all parents. Perfection is an illusion, a standard that can never be met. We set up this ideal for our children that they need to strive to be perfect. Yet, they have no idea what that actually is.
The need to watch out for our children is even greater when they’ve decided they no longer need us. Sometimes they don’t know when or how exactly to relax, to escape from the stress of their daily lives.
It is our responsibility as a community to teach, whether young or old, the importance of managing the stress in our lives.·