Helen

“Helen dear, can you hear me?”

The first time Hannah heard the voices in public she was at a charity softball game. Hannah Moran was just rounding second base when they came on so
abruptly, that it caused her to stumble.
“Time,” shouted her coach from the sideline. “Time!”
Michael hurried over to Hannah’s petite body, as the other team stared
quietly. He dropped down to her side and started calling her name. Hannah was
muttering to herself and had curled her body into a tight ball. To Michael, it
looked as though she had injured herself, but he didn’t understand that she just
wanted the voices to stop.
Although it had been going on for a few weeks now, they had yet to happen
in front of anyone. The questioning, desperate voices that started haunting her,
had no rhyme or reason. Normal people don’t hear voices! she thought wiping
angry tears from her eyes and sitting up. She looked into Michael’s eyes and gave
him a watery smile.
“Are you all right honey,” he asked, his voice laced with concern. “Can you
finish the game?”
Instantly Hannah noticed her audience, Her eyes jumped from her
teammate peeking out of the dugout, to the umpire cleaning his nails, to the other
team gawking at her and finally settling on Michael’s worried expression. She set
her face and standing up, wiped her bottom. “I’m fine Michael and of course I can
finish the game.” She turned to walk toward the dugout when she stopped, and
lowering her voice said, “How many times have I told you, when we’re on the
field it’s Hannah, not Helen--err I mean honey. You don’t want the others getting
jealous of me,” she finished weakly. She smiled but inside her mind was racing,
her stomach churning.

“Helen?”

"--what you’re worried about.”
Hannah looked up though a veil of dark hair at her best friend Sandi. She must
have looked confused because Sandi started laughing. “Are you sure you didn’t
bump your head out there?” Sandi started moving Hannah’s head around
comically looking for knots. Hannah swatted Sandi’s hand and nervously joined in with friend’s laughter.



Later that evening Hannah was sitting with a glass of wine in the
greenhouse, quietly watching the sunset. “Beautiful, isn’t it?” Hannah turned
toward her husband’s voice with a small smile. She looked into his chocolate
brown eyes and again wondered why she was so lucky. Sometimes the mere
sight of him caused her breath to catch. With his longish sable hair and strong
jaw, Hannah knew her husband was attractive. While what drew her to him was
his beauty, what keep her was his devotion. Michael pulled Hannah up from her
chair and wrapped his arms around her. She laid her head on his chest and
inhaled the scent that was uniquely him. Without warning she was scared,
deathly scared. It felt as if someone were trying to take her life away. She
pressed her face deeper into him, tears spilling out of her eyes.
“Whoa, what’s up with you today?” Michael asked. “You have been acting
weird all day. Did something happen at the game?”
“I don’t know, I’ve been on edge all day. Huh Mike, I was wondering what
would--I mean actually I was thinking--” Hannah started.
Michael slowly dropped his hands from her waist and took a small step
back. “Hey you’re actually starting to worry me. You’ve never had a hard time
talking to me before, why now?”
“You know what, it’s nothing. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I guess
I’m just flaking out.” She laughed nervously, “what I need is to get is a good
nights sleep.”
“You haven’t been sleeping?” Michael began.
Hannah slowly ran her hand through her hair, suddenly very, very tired.
When she spoke it was deliberate and chipped. “No Michael, what I meant to say
is that I need a good night sleep tonight. I have been feeling strange all day.” She
smiled what she hoped was a relaxed smile because she wanted nothing more
than to be left alone to think.
Michael, sensing his wife of nine years mood, decided that he’d better scoot.
“Well I’m going up to bed and read, come up when you’re done. Goodnight
babe.”
Michael turned and walked out of the room. Hannah picked up her glass of
wine and emptied it with shaky hands. She had been steadily drinking since they
got home from dinner, She realized that she was beginning to feel the effects of all
that wine. Usually a glass at dinner was an rare thing. But tonight she needed to
silence the echoes of those voices that called out that name. That horrid, horrid
name.


Helen.


The mere thought of it caused the fine hairs on her arms to stand on end.
Why were they haunting her? Why where they calling her that name? And why
did that name terrify her so?



Hannah slipped into bed, careful not wake her sleeping husband. She
looked at Michael as he laid there with an open book on his smooth chest. What
did I do to be so fortunate? She thought back to the time when she first met
Michael seventeen years ago, when she was thirteen and he was fourteen. It was
something out of a fairy tale, how connected they were so young, so quickly. They
spent hours together just talking. At the time when most kids felt misunderstood
and lost, she found that Michael made her feel differently about herself, about life.
When they started their junior year they were together romantically and they’ve
been together ever since.
Hannah reached out and ran a soft hand across Michael’s brow, and was
amazed to see his turn his face into her hand. “I love you so much, you know that
right?” she whispered fiercely. “And no matter what she wants I will never leave
you--” Hannah stood up too quickly causing the room to spin abruptly, but she
didn’t notice. Where did that come from, she thought. Of course I’m not going to
leave! What is happening to me? Hannah turned to look in the mirror searching
her almond shaped eyes. Her long chestnut hair framed her heart shaped face,
and she smiled nervously at her reflection.
Without warning she felt more then heard the wailing start. Hannah
moaned quietly as she turned towards her sleeping husband. The pain! It was
incredible, it began in her abdomen and continued up across her chest to her right
arm. Tears sprung to her eyes as the voice was joined with another.

“Helen,” the first voice whispered.

“Please answer me, sweetheart,” the other voice pleaded.

“We need you so much with us,” the first one implored. “Come back to us,

Helen.

"I know you can hear me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t go on without
you.”

“Come back to us, Helen.”

“Come back to us, Helen.”

“Come back to me.”

“Come back.”

“No! I will not come back,” Hannah clenched her fist and whispered
harshly through her teeth. “I will never come back. So leave me alo--”
“Wha-. Who are you talking to?” Michael asked from under their comforter
“No one Michael, go back to sleep.” Hannah smiled even though she felt
like she was truly going crazy. “I’m going to jump in the shower before I come to
bed. “So just go back to sleep.”
Hannah left the room quietly and walked through her house, picking up
things only to lay them back down almost instantly. She was bone tired but
unable to turn her brain off. Hannah stood in her kitchen and although her body
was drained her mind took in the beauty of her home. When Michael was made
partner at the firm, the couple celebrated by house hunting. Hannah thought back
to the day they pulled up to 1338 Dark Horse Drive, after a long day of searching.
It was love at first sight for Hannah. Everything about the house so clearly
reflected her personality that when they closed on the house three months later
there was little need to even paint the walls. However Hannah did enjoy
decorating the house. It was as if whatever she need she stumble upon. She spent
many days at the local flea markets, going from table to table, meeting the local
merchant, finding treasures. She enjoyed it so much that she actually entertained
the thought of opening a decorating venture. But in the end decided to focus on
looking for the perfect table to sit in her perfect dining room in her perfect house.
“Yeah, perfect,” she thought bitterly.
Hannah ended up back to her greenhouse and curled up on the couch falling
into a dreamless sleep.


“Wake up, honey,” Michael whispered to his wife. Hannah sat up so swiftly
that she knocked him back a step. He knew that something was wrong with her.
And he’s sure it’s been going on a lot longer then the game yesterday. She had
been having trouble sleeping, tossing and turning well into the night. He knew
she had been close to opening up last night, but he watched her big hazel eyes as
she chose to shut down. He loved his wife very much and he just wanted nothing
more then to spend the rest of his life looking into her eyes. He knelt down to the
couch and held her hands in his. “Honey, you have to talk to me. What’s going
on with you? We’ve always told each other everything, I can’t stand to see you in
so much pain.” He pulled her to her feet and after a moment whispered, “Who is
Helen?” Hannah’s reaction was more then he expected.

She fainted.

Hannah opened her eyes to see her husband’s concerned face floating above
her. What am I going to do she wondered. I--we can’t handle too much more of
this. She loved him, she loved her life so much and she felt her time was running
short. She did not understand the urgency but something was coming and it
wasn’t good.
“Listen I have to go.” She stood up and hurried to their bedroom. She
stopped abruptly. “Don’t worry Mike, don’t worry. I’m going to out late. Just--, I
can’t talk about it right now O.K. But I will take care of this, so don’t worry
please.” Hannah realized that she was babbling, and her mouth shut with an
audible snap. She turned towards Michael and hoped that she wasn’t shaking to
noticeably. “I’ll be just fine Mike. Don’t worry. Michael watched his wife’s
retreating form and felt not worry but the cold hands of fear.
A hour later, as Michael watched Hannah’s red Mercedes drive away, he
finally felt he had the privacy to fall apart. It was as if she was losing touch with
reality right before his eyes, and he was powerless to help. He sat down heavily
on the couch and cried.
Hannah turned on the radio as she drove way form the house to tried to
drown out the “old lady’ who started talking to her about fifteen minutes ago.
She was talking about people she did not know and things she did not care about.
Hannah had to be careful not to let Michael see any reaction, she could feel his
strained stares.

“---you hear me Helen? Oh please Helen, talk to me. I get so lonely here without someone to talk to. I sit here day after day, hour after hour waiting for a sign, something to let me know that you are there. I know you are there. Please answer me. Oh why don’t you answer me. Helen, please Helen.

The landscape flew by as she drove towards her destination. “I am not
crazy. My name is not Helen. I am Hannah Marie Moran, and I am not crazy,”
Hannah said, as she turned the volume of the car stereo higher. She drove by a
park and the tennis courts in her gated community. The warm breeze came in off
the ocean and Hannah could almost taste the salt in the air. She pulled up to a
stop sign and a small child sitting in the grass with her mother, caught her
attention. Her eyes welled up as the morning sun shone in the little girl’s long
blond hair. Hannah felt her chances for having children become more unlikely as
the “old lady” droned on and on in the background. She always knew that
someday she and Michael wanted to have children and up until this moment she
didn’t think that would be a problem. But now.....
She watched, what she assumed was the child’s father come up behind her and
pick her up. the little girl squealed with delight as his tan strong arms threw her
high in the air. She tried to imagine Michael holding a raven haired little girl and
just couldn’t see it. Hannah realized that she hated Helen. Hated Helen, and if she
could she would gladly kill her and that stupid old lady too.
Hannah drove around aimlessly for about a half hour when she found
herself near Sandi’s part of town. “Sandi. She’ll be able to help me. She’ll have
an idea,” Hannah said to herself as she sat at a light. Hannah pulled up in front
of Sandi’s condo and hopped out of her convertible. “Hey Hotness,” leered a
young man riding by on a bike. With her lean athletic body and smooth olive
skin, men always appreciated Hannah’s inherent beauty. Usually she was able to
ignore the rude comments, but today of all days she’d had enough of strangers
talking to her.
She spun around and screamed at the man as he road away, “my name is
not Helen!!”
“Hi, Hannah how are you doing,” asked Sandi, standing in the doorway.
“What the hell did that kid say to you?”
“Nothing. You know how these young guys are. Always saying things that
are crude. It’s nothing that I can’t handle.” Hannah gave her a fleeting smile and
grabbed Sandi’s hand to drag her in the house. Sandi wanted to ask Hannah
about what she said, but Hannah changed the conversation. “I just came over to
find out how the redecorating is coming along. Have you decided on your color
scheme yet? I still think that with these windows, French Provincial is the only
way to go.” Their feet echoed off the bare hardwood floors. I don’t know if I
would recommend paper, i would just paint. I mean paper is so permanent, you
know?” Hannah stopped to breathe, realizing that she was babbling again. “I
was just wondering,” she ended weakly.
“Are you all right?” asked Sandi solemnly. “I mean you are talking a mile
a minute. And you’re not saying anything.” Sandi put her hand gently on her
friends shoulders and led her to the kitchen. Hannah picked up two coffee cups
while Sandi picked up the cake dish and both ladies sat down at the table. Sandi
picked up the coffee pot and smiling warmly at her friend said, “So I hear that
you are having a little insomnia.”
Sandi examined Hannah as she picked the small piece of coffee cake sitting
in front of her. Sandi and Hannah had been friends since high school. Ironically
they met when Sandi tried to horn in on Michael. She was never able to turn his
head but Hannah and Sandi found out that they had a lot more then their taste in
men in common”
“I don’t know what’s happening to me. I’ve been,” she paused as she tried
to compose herself. “I have been hearing voices.” She waited, ashamed of her
weakness. “I don’t know, I think I may have to see someone. Professionally.”
“Oh honey, How long has this been going on?” Sandi fell to her knees and
grasped her hands in her. “What are they saying to you? It’s not telling you to
hurt anybody--”?
“No, but it hurt me.” Sandi sat back down in her seat and furrowed her
brow. Hannah continued speaking before Sandi could say anything. “This
morning, or last night actually when I was about to get into bed, this pain, this
incredibly blinding pain. It hurt me so much Sandi.”
“How do you know that one has anything to do with the other?” Sandi
asked.
“I just do, O.K.!” Hannah snapped.
“Hey, I was just asking Hon. Don’t bite my head off.” Sandi stood up in a
huff, and walked stiffly to the refrigerator. She opened the door and initially
Sandi grabbed herself a beer. She thought better of it and she grabbed them all.
“I’m so sorry Sandi. I think I’m having what one would call a bad day.”
She laughed bitterly “It’s just these voices, the whole situation scares me.”
Hannah took the beer and didn’t stop until it was almost empty. “When they
started I was at home in the pool, and I thought someone was in the house. It’s
been primarily two, a man and an older woman. It’s the older woman that I hear
more often. And they don’t say anything important. Just nonstop drivel. I mean
the other day she talked about a cat or dog or something, for like a half hour! She
bothers me a whole lot more then the guy. Because that woman--she really talks
to me as if I should know her. And then there’s Helen.
“Helen?”
“Helen. They call me Helen.” She whispered “That bothers me more then
anything else. I hate Helen, Sandi,” she said through clenched teeth “Every time
I hear that name I just want to scream. I mean I really hate that woman.” Hannah
wiped angry tears from her eyes.
Sandi put her arm around her dejected friend and said softly, “Hon, Helen
isn’t real. You can’t hate something that isn’t real. Now I can ask around for a
doctor, so we can get you fixed. I mean, your life is too cushy for you to be
cracking up. Hell, you’ve got my beautiful house and my hot man.”
Hannah looked up at her friend’s smiling face and even thought her world
was falling apart, she couldn’t help but laugh. She knew that Sandi was trying to
lighten the mood and Hannah loved her for that. “You know, if it gets out about
Helen, you just might end up with that beautiful house and hot man.” Her
laughter quickly turned to tears. “What am I going to do, Sandi?”
Sandi watched her best friend’s beautiful face as Hannah sat hopelessly.
“You know what, Hon? You are going to be just fine. I told you we are going to
find a doctor and you are going to get to keep your perfect life.” Hannah stood up
and threw her arms around her friend and cried.
After her emotional breakdown Hannah stood in Sandi’s bathroom washing
her tear stained face. While she was crying in her arms, somethings suddenly
became crystal clear.

“Helen, I love you so much dear come back to me.” the old lady pleaded.

Hannah looked at her reflection, her hazel eyes hard and flinty. “But I don’t
want to go back.”
When Hannah returned to the kitchen Sandi was washed the dishes from
their lunch but it was obvious that her mind was elsewhere. “Hey, you’re acting
like your dog died. Or maybe your best friend’s crazy.” Sandi spun around
quickly, knocking over a coffee cup. She stared at Hannah opened mouth. “Oh
look what happened.” Hannah said stepping out of the doorway. “Here, let me
help you with that. When we’re done, lets go take a look at those swatches.”
Sandi watched Hannah scurry around looking for a broom. It was if they weren’t
just talking of voices and psychiatrist. She wondered briefly if her friend was on
drugs. Sandi felt the cold hand of fear grip her securely around her heart.



After Hannah left a quiet Sandi, she headed back home. She knew her
friend was worried about her. As she pulled into her driveway she frown,
something was dancing just outside of her memory. Something that she fears she
should remember.
She unlocked the front door saying, “Mike, I’m back!” Hannah walked into
the foyer and hearing splashing, went out the back door to the swimming pool.
She stood watching Michael as he swam the length of the pool. She admired the
ease in which he finished the lap, he barely made a ripple as he started his next.
She walked to the edge of the pool and waited for him to notice her. Hannah had
pleaded with Sandi to keep Helen between them. At least until they found a
doctor. Hannah knew that Sandi didn’t want to, but she got her to agreed
anyway. She knew that she was taking advantage of her friends shock, but she
had to before it was to late. Michael reached the end of the pool and smoothly
pulled his distracted wife in the water. “Michael!” she screamed playfully hitting
his chest.
“I see the visit did you some good. Were you able to get things figured
out?” He pulled himself out of the water and reached his hand back for Hannah
to come out too. “What’s Sandi up to? Hey, I started dinner. I’m just doing steaks
on the grill. Why don’t you start the salad.” He paused and smiling softly at his
wife’s expression asked. “What?”
Hannah throat closed and her eyes burned with tears as she threw herself in
his arms. She wrapped her legs around his waist and looking into his eyes
whispered, “I love you John Michael Moran. That’s all, I love you more then
anything.” She kissed him deeply.
“The hell with the steaks”, Michael guffawed, as he carried his sopping wet
wife through the house to their bedroom. Their laughter rang through the house.

Hannah walked down a dark hall, towards a door hidden in darkness. Written on the door were words that she couldn’t read. She blinked her eyes repeatedly, trying to clear her blurred vision. As much as that shadowy door terrified her, she couldn’t stop herself from moving towards it. She desperately tried to stop walking, to stop moving but her feet never broke stride. Whatever it was, breathed behind that door. And yes something behind that door did breathe, labored as it was. She could see the door pulsed in and out with each
unnatural breath. It wanted to destroy everything that Hannah held dear. It wanted to
destroy the whole life that she’d made for herself. It wanted to destroy her.
The air smelled of disinfectant and decay, the floor was cold on her bare feet. The
lights overhead flicker in time with the movement of the door. Her arm curled into her chest and white hot pain began coursing through her upper body. The closer she came to the door the worst the pain became. Gradually her breathing became more and more difficult. Her feet started to drag and she pitches forward. She laid on the floor grateful to be still, when she felt her body start to slide towards it’s destination. “Nooooo,” she screamed.

Hannah sat up biting back the scream that rested in her throat. She turned
to Michael to see if she had disturbed him, and was relieved to see him sleeping
peacefully. She ran a shaky hand down his chest as her mind relived the dream.
She thought about the pain and looked down to her stomach half expecting to see
a wound or bandage there. Why is she feeling it here? She was relieved to see
that the ache was a slow ebbing memory. She cautiously laid her head back
down and buried her face on Michael’s heart.



The next morning Hannah rolled over languidly to the inviting smell of
bacon and coffee. “Mommy?” Hannah sat up quickly gawking at a little black
haired girl standing by her bed. “Dad asked if you wanted him to send you up a
cup of coffee?”
“What the hel-” Hannah started jumping up from the bed. She backpedaled
from the little girl biting back a scream. “What--who are you? What did you just
call me?” She felt the head start to swoon. Hannah wondered who this little girl
was.
“Mom are you all right? I’m going to get Dad.” The little girl turned to run
down the hall when Hannah jumped up and grabbed the child’s arm.
“No you don’t need to do that, Madison. You just startled me. Yes, why
don’t you bring me up a cup of coffee, while I jump in the shower.” Madison
looked at her mother, her eyes narrow with suspicion. She turned away from her
Hannah, but never took her eyes off her mother as left the room.
Hannah stood up and walked stiffly into the bathroom. Five minutes later,
she was still sitting in the bathroom trying to wrap her head around the reality of
the little girl that she heard laughing somewhere in the house. She knew that
little girl was not in the house last night or that is, she thinks that she was not in
the house last night. Her head hurt and her stomach lamented the whole
situation. Hannah looked down at her hands as they shook in her lap and
seriously questioned her sanity. People just don’t jump into existence but that little
girl--Madison was not in the house last night!! Hannah ran her hand through her
hair and her eyes combed the ceiling Madison. What a beautiful name for what
Hannah had to admit a beautiful girl. She was a vision with her raven hair and
hazel eyes. She had her fathers nose and her mom’s dimples. It was as if
everything that was perfect about each was mixed to make that little girl. Hannah
assumed that Madison was 6 or seven years old--no she knew she’s 7 and would
be eight this coming April. In a flash, she remembered Madison’s birth, her first
Christmas, and when she learned to spell her own name.
“But that’s not possible,” Hannah breathed. “She was not here yesterday.”
“Mom, are you still in the shower? Dad wants to know if everything is
O.K..” Madison questioned in a hushed voice. Hannah’s heart broke. She knew
in her soul that she loved that little one and would do anything for her. She also
knew that Madison wasn’t here yesterday, no matter what the memories stated.
Trying to combine those two concepts was hell on her already fragile state.
Hannah sat with her eyes closed, going over the different memories of a happy
child who was, is loved by her parents. She smiled as she recalled the first steps,
the first time she ate carrots, her first boo-boo. Hannah felt the tears fall down her
cheeks. I can’t handle this, she thought bitterly.
Hannah stood up and said to Madison, “I’m just getting out, tell your dad to
get me another cup of coffee. I’m on my way down.”
“Do you want some breakfast?” Madison asked through the door.
Hannah looked in the mirror and smiling brightly, threw open the door.
Madison jumped back startled at the sudden movement. “Hey chick, sorry about
this morning. I was having a bad dream and you just caught me right in the
middle of it.” Hannah reached down and kissed her forehand tenderly. Her skin
smelled of soap and baby power and Hannah felt a wave of fierce loyalty wash
over her. “My little girl,” she said. She ran her hands through her daughter’s
hair. Smiling down at her tenderly, she whispered, “My beautiful little girl.”
Hannah grabbed her daughter’s hand and walked out of the room. They
started down the hall, passing what was one of the guest rooms yesterday. Now
the walls were adorned with pictures of various Disney character and sitting in
the middle of the room was a large ruffled covered canopy bed. “Wow, I always
wanted one of those kinds of beds,” she whispered.
“What are you talking about,” Madison questioned. “This is your bed
mom. You were so excited when Gram sent it to you. You are acting too weird
lady.” Madison smiled brightly at her mom.
“Am I, chick?” Hannah whispered sweetly as she kneeled down to look in
her eyes.
“Yeah, lady.” Madison said as she threw her hands around her mother
neck.
Madison turned and ran down the stairs laughing uncontrollable. “Dad!
Dad! Mom’s trying to kill me. Help.” Madison ran quickly to her father and
stood behind him, peeking mischievously around his back. Hannah looked
incredulous at her daughter and Madison stuck her tongue out at her mom.
“Michael, your kid is a monster and you little girl, are going to get it,”
Hannah hesitated for a second, realizing what she said. She smiled at the two of
them but when her eyes came to rest on Madison, her smile faltered just a bit.
“You know what Mike, I’m not really hungry. I promised Sandi I’d stop
back by her house this morning.” Hannah said sipping her hot coffee.
“Well can you take Madi-” Michael began.
“No!” She said suddenly. Michael and Madison turned towards her
frowning. “What I mean to say is that Sandi and I have plans and there won’t be
anything for her to do except get under foot. I going to run and get dress and I’ll
be back before dinner.” Hannah smiled briefly and left the room before Michael
had a chance to respond.
Hannah was in the shower sitting on the floor of the stall, crying. In the
back of her mind she hoped that Michael and Madison didn’t hear her. But for
the most part she didn’t care. She was cracking up and she was doing it all alone.
Between Helen, the voices and now Madison, she didn’t know what to do. The
fact that she couldn’t tell anyone, was what she struggled with the most. And
Sandi was no longer an option. How could she tell her that she doesn’t think that
Madison is real. “Hell, that sounds crazy even to me.” Hannah said to herself.
She looked down at her arm started to curl as the pain begin to riddle her
body. “No not now, why don’t you leave me alone. I can’t take it right now.
Please.” She slid down in the tub and closing her eyes, let the water pound her
flesh.

“Helen I need you to open your eyes and look at me.”

In her head she sees a little old lady in a tatters overcoat. The woman was sitting in a
brightly lit cafeteria, The glare of the light was harsh and unforgiving on her wrinkled skin,
but her face was kind. Across from her sat a boorish man in a cheap suit. As the older
woman sipped at her tea, the slightly younger man would sneak a sip out of a flax in his
jacket. His eyes were bloodshot and he hadn’t shaved in days. He was obviously drunk and
only a moment away from causing a scene. She could see that they were discussing
something intensely, although she couldn’t hear what they were saying. She could see the
relationship was volatile and she feared for the old woman’s safety. Couldn’t those around
them hear them, see them? It was at that moment she noticed that there was no one else in
the cafeteria. The harsh light was really a spotlight and the all the tables around them
empty, chairs on top of them. And those people argued on and on.

Hannah felt icy water hit her shoulders, as she woke with a start. She wiped
her hair out of her eyes and started coughing as she unintentionally swallowed
water. By the way the water felt she must have been here for awhile. She got out
of the shower and turning off the water toweled off.
“Mike? Madison? Is anyone here? She walked into the kitchen and sees a
note on the counter.

Hannah,
I don’t know what happening with you but you were very hurtful to Maddie
and I felt that it was best if we went out. You have been acting very strange
lately and I don’t know how much more we can take. You need to figure out
if this is what you want, me---Madison---because you are not making life easy
for us,.... for Madison. We love you very much--I love you very much babe.
Now what?

me


Hannah sat at the island in her kitchen crying into a dishtowel. At her feet
was the letter her husband wrote her. Panic was causing her head to pound and
her fingers to tingle. The tingle turned to pain as she felt her hands once again
start to curl. Hannah slipped out of chair and fell to the floor.

Mary Pane sat crying in the hospital room.
“Helen can you hear me?” she asked. Her head was bowed on the bed, all around her
were the beeps and whooshing of machines. She had been coming here for weeks and her
doctors said the stress was starting to wear her down. But she knew that Helen was in
there, her baby was somewhere in that shell. She looked up at the woman laying silently in
the bed. Helen’s arm laid twisted on her heavily bandaged chest. Mary watched her
daughter breathe, willing her to just open her eyes. Helen had been this way since her
neighbor found her 3 months ago.
Mary knew her daughter’s life hasn’t been easy, the choices that she made weren’t
always the best. From the falling grades in school, the abusing of drugs and alcohol, to the
teenage marriage to a older man who Mary was sure had beat her daughter repeatedly. The
doctors believe that Helen tried to kill herself with the amount of drugs that was in her
systems, but Mary refused to believe it. Sure Helen didn’t have the best life but she could
find a better way to handle it, couldn’t she? She felt it was better now that Philip wasn’t
coming up to the hospital, causing trouble in his drunken state. Mary wasn’t sure of all the
details of Philip and Helen’s life together but Helen’s third husband was the worst one so
far.
“How are you two doing this afternoon, Mrs. Pane,” questioned the young candy
stripper in a hushed voice. The small girl looked at the older woman sitting next to her
emaciated daughter and felt that familiar tingle in the pit of her stomach. This was a weird
family and Megan didn’t like dealing with them, but her supervisor insisted that each
patient needed attention. Nevertheless room 1338 was always the last on her rounds. She
was grateful to see that big guy had been asked to stop coming to the hospital. She knew he
was the patient’s husband but he was the worst of all the visitors. He always smelled of
alcohol and felt the need to stand too close to all the female staff. There were times that
Megan wanted to stop coming in to volunteer, her best friend Katelyn did. Something
happened to Katelyn right before she quit but Megan wasn’t able to get her friend to talk
about it.
Mary looked at the young girl and wanted to weep, remembering when Helen was
that young but never that innocent. “Nothing has changed, everything is the same. It was
touch and go after the operation on her heart, but she is stable. The doctors says there’s no
natural reason for her to still be asleep.” Mary leaned in and whispered to Megan, “And I
swear, I know she can hear me. The doctors say that there is no sign of consciousness, but a
mother knows.....” Mary turned back to her Helen, and wiped a whips of mousy brown
hair from her daughter’s oily forehead.
“Isn’t that true, honey? You can hear me right, Helen? Please Helen, I know that
you can hear me.” Megan turned and left the mother with her child. “I just stopped in to
tell you that I’m not going to be able to see you for a while. The doctors are saying that they
have to move you to another facility upstate. You know, long term care. It’s too far for me
to see you everyday, but I’ll take the bus to come and see you as much as I’m able to. I think
Philip is seeing someone, but that’s for the best because that man was nothing but trouble
for you. Now when you wake up you can find a good man and have babies. You always
wanted babies, right? You always wanted a little brown haired girl. You even picked out a
name--Madison wasn’t it? How can you find that good man and have that fat baby if you
don’t wake up Honey?”

“--wake up, Honey. the old lady pleaded.

Hannah sat up on the floor and straightened out her arm. She felt oddly
refreshed. She had the bizarre feeling that she wasn’t going to hear those voices
anymore. Hannah suddenly knew what she needed to do.
She always wanted a good husband and a little girl. Why was she trying to
figure out why she had what she had? That was just an exercise in foolishness.
What she needed to do is enjoy this life that she made for herself. Hannah stood
up and rushed to her bedroom to change her clothes. Cuz she needed to find her
husband and daughter and beg their forgiveness. Hannah stopped to look at her
reflection in her mirror and smiling whispered , “My perfect life.”


End