A Heartbeat Away

The plaintive calls of gulls hovering over the dunes woke Hannah from a deep sleep. Even though the beach was still blanketed in an early morning fog, she could only manage to open her eyes to paper thin slits against the dull glare. Lifting her head from the pillow, she struggled to make out the time displayed in red digits on the alarm clock. A cool ribbon of ocean wind slipped in under the half open window sash to whisper over her exposed skin and she shivered, promptly rolling over. Pulling the comforter over her bare shoulder, she buried her face in Toby’s warm chest.

He was still asleep and shifted slightly, as if instinctively making room for her. His hand had already been resting on her hip and traveled with her when she rolled, so now it was resting on the opposite hip as she faced him. She cuddled in close, turning her head to press her cheek to the smooth, hard planes of his muscled chest. Closing her eyes, she could hear the soft sounds of the surf outside, but focused instead on the steady beat of his heart.

She remembered when her nephew was born, her sister Meg bought a teddy bear from a baby catalogue that could replicate the sounds of a mother’s heartbeat, as heard from the womb. A smile twitched at the corner of her mouth, wondering if she could somehow capture the sound of Toby’s heart like that. Put it inside a pillow, so she could have him with her even when she couldn’t be in his bed.

Twenty-three days. It didn’t seem possible that in just a little over three weeks she would be leaving this little seaside town, the place she was born, and moving to a college dorm room in the middle of a new and strange city. The thought was alternately thrilling and terrifying.

Toby sighed, murmuring in his deep and gravelly morning voice, and slid his hand up to the curve of her waist. He gently rubbed it back and forth before sliding around to the small of her back to pull her in close with another sigh. She felt him, hard against her softness, and that warm heat of anticipation pooled in her stomach. Smiling, she arched so her lithe body glided against him, tilting her head back as he lowered his mouth to her neck.

It was a rare luxury to be able to spend an entire night in the same bed like this, despite the fact they had been friends since kindergarten and something more than friends since sophomore year of high school. Although they relaxed the rules a little this summer, her parents didn’t usually allow her to sleep over—most especially since Toby had moved out of his folks’ house and into his own cottage by the beach, anticipating the steady income that would come from working as a local lobsterfisherman this summer.

Hannah supposed it was the ‘something more’ that gave her parents pause. Not that they didn’t love Toby, because they did. It was the fact their youngest daughter loved him too that was their concern.

And she did love him, with every beat of her heart. She wanted to tell her parents not to worry so much, because she and Toby intended to be together for the rest of their lives, getting married once she was finished with college—but she knew it wasn’t something they’d be ready to hear. For a while now, they had been gently trying to broach the subject over dinner at night, bringing up the fact she and Toby seemed to have very different life paths laid out before them. But that wasn’t something Hannah was willing to hear.

She sighed as she felt his warm, wet kisses ease down her neck, his mouth lingering on her pulse points to do such indescribable things with his tongue. When they did have the chance to sleep together, they would always wake up like this. Without even a single word exchanged, it was all done as if on instinct—every touch and every kiss like some secret language that only the two of them could ever possibly understand. Sometimes she wouldn’t even know if it were real. She might think that she was dreaming about him inside her and then suddenly he was, and she was falling helplessly over the edge before she even realized she was reaching it.

His hands were traveling over her skin with a practiced ease, leaving a delicious trail of nerve endings tingling in their wake. He rubbed the calloused palm of his hand over her breast, causing the peaked nub to go tight and hard, and then lowered his mouth to it, soft and hot. The sensation elicited a quiet moan from the back of her throat, and after that everything started to go hazy, a lovely blur of feeling and sensation.

She allowed him to roll her body, was vaguely aware of him gently pinning her wrists to the pillow above her head, and then he was inside her and all coherent thought vanished. The room fell away in her periphery, and then the world seemed to drop out from beneath her. She was floating, rising and falling, climbing towards those heights of ecstasy.

It was so gentle, tender and slow at first, washing over her like a warm, heavy tide, but then it was faster, harder, keeping pace with the rapid, breathless beat of her heart. His breath was ragged in her ear, a soft growl of lust and desire that made her smile. He was usually never rough or impatient—something she heard from her friends at school about the other boys they dated. But when Toby got like this, caught up in a moment of fevered passion, it secretly excited her.

‘Someday I’ll tell him that’, Hannah thought, knowing he always encouraged her to talk about what she wanted or liked—no matter how much it might seem slightly embarrassing to her to say it out loud. But she trusted him like no one else, and he’d never once broken that trust. Ever since the day he’d first given her his heart, over three years ago now, everything he did and every decision he made was with her best interests in mind. He even waited for her to be ready, which turned out to be almost two years after they started dating. But that’s just how Toby was. He loved her completely, and unselfishly.

And that’s why Hannah knew this would last forever.

She came on a gasp and a stuttered cry, clutching onto his strong shoulders and moaning his name, and then she was gently falling back to earth.

Toby lay on top of her for just a second, regaining breath and composure, and then rolled away to pull her with him. She snuggled her body as close to his as possible, trying to recapture some of his warmth, and laid her head on his chest.

Seeking out the sound of his heartbeat again, Hannah smiled softly as she listened to the thunderous pounding gradually slow to a more normal, even rhythm. It always gave her a little thrill to think that she had the power to do that to him—to know that was what was going on inside him, just by being with her. Toby was never one for over-the-top declarations, but Hannah liked to think that this thumping beat inside him spoke to her, in a way—all the things he didn’t have to say.

“I’m going to invent a Toby pillow,” she mumbled sleepily against his skin.

“Huh?” He rubbed his hand over his hair, his voice so husky and low it rumbled through his chest like a distant summer thunderstorm. “And what exactly might that be?”

Waiting for her response, he gently ran his other hand up her back, tracing random patterns along her spine and threading his fingers through the silky strands of her hair.

“A pillow that feels like you and sounds like you,” she explained, trying rather unsuccessfully to cover a yawn. “To bring to school with me.”

It was the only thing keeping her from seriously stressing out and breaking down about this major move away from home. Toby had always been her greatest source of support, even if school had never really been his thing. He was smart about life and about people—so much more mature than most of the other guys, even with his tendency to be the comedian—but wasn’t really interested in getting his life experience inside a classroom or his knowledge from a book.

He’d been nearly bursting with pride when she received her college admission letter and scholarship, however. And even though she was going to be over a hundred miles away at school, Hannah knew it would all work out. For one thing, they’d always have holidays and then the summer. Toby kept promising her they would talk about it all in this time they had left, but Hannah wasn’t worried. She knew he loved her and wanted to be together.

He seemed to take a moment, only gazing up at the ceiling of his bedroom.

“And why would you want to do that?” he asked finally, his voice much softer and quieter.

“So you can always be with me,” she said, “even when you’re not right here next to me.” Her voice was drifting off into a drowsy murmur as sleep started to overtake her senses. “I haven’t read all my catalogs yet, but something tells me that my dorm would probably not look too kindly on me sneaking you into my room—and into my bed—at night.” She adjusted positions, finding that perfect place for her head under his chin as she threw an arm across his body. “But after the last couple of weeks, it’s getting too hard for me to fall asleep without you now…I don’t think I can do it…”

Toby only continued to gaze up at the ceiling as he gently caressed small circles over the back of her shoulder. He thought about how smart she was, how hard she worked all these years to get into the college of her choice and how much she had to look forward to in her future. And then he thought about his future, staying here in this small town, working on his uncle’s boat.

He’d been in love with Hannah nearly his whole life—at least as long as he could remember. He felt he was a better person because of her and she’d given him so much. Now it was time to give her something back, even if it turned out to be her heart.

He listened as her breathing started to slow, sensing that exact point when she finally gave up the fight and eased back into her dreams.

And then he leaned down to press a gentle kiss to the top of her head.

“Don’t worry, Han—you’ll learn,” he whispered.