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by kerpow Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ · Novella · Fantasy · #1272448
This is chapter 1 of a book I'm trying to write. Please tell me what I can improve on.
Chapter 1
         
         It was a beautiful day in Renacle. The sun was shining and there was not a cloud in the sky. The occupants of Renacle were as happy as can be. Everything was as it should be. Unfortunately the peace would not last long. It would soon be shattered by the fury of war.
          You see, a few rebels were trying to lay the king's castle to waste. The king was a very spitefull man. He would send an innocent child to the gallows for merely looking at the king in a certain way. If the king didn't offer the trio so much money to protect him they would have been helping the rebels. Yes, our heroes are mercenaries. Cold blooded, ruthless mercenaries. The rebels were the only ones who were brave enough to go after the king. The rest of the country just tried to pretend that he didn't exist.
         Renacle was a huge empire, it was getting larger every day. It had hundreds of thousands of people and most of them worked in the army. But Renacle was nothing compared to its neighboring country, Lyria. Lyria was one of the most powerful and hateful kingdoms in all the world. Lyria and Renacles' kings couldn’t stand each other, they waged great and terrible wars against each other almost annually. Lyria always one thanks to its superior man power.
         Daz, Bonez and Zeno were outside of the castle watching the rebels fighting the guards and trying their hardest to get inside. Luckily for the king right behind the gate their were many other guards."We probably won't have to do anything. The guards will just get rid of them all, such a waste of a day" said Bonez, interrupting the silence between the three. "We better get to fight" Zeno replied, picking up his enormous battle axe "or I'll kill the king myself."
         The rebels did it, they breached the gate. The guards were shocked and some of the cowards started to run."Well...time to get to work" they said simultaneously." I'll go inside and protect the king, Zeno you get those stubborn idiots that are fighting the guards. Daz you take out any coward who tries to run away. Got it? Alright, lets go" the team ran off to their positions.
         Zeno had no problems with the rebels. He crushed them just like he would crush an ant. Daz stood around watching Zeno fight, he knew that Zeno wouldn't let any of them live long enough for them to run away. But miracuasly one did get away from Zeno. He ran twards Daz idiot he said to himself. Dosent he know who I am? I guess not. If he did he would be running from me not Zeno. Well, I suppose I should show him what I am capable of doing.
         Daz ran at him, full speed and unsheathed his scimitar. It's bright, silver blade shone in the bright sunlight. As soon as Daz was in striking distance of the rebel he shoved his sword into the chest of the rebel. He tore the scimitar out of the man's chest and left him lying on the ground, somehow still breathing. "You should have known better" Daz said and drove his blade into the man's head.
         Bonez was sprinting inside, dodging the occasional strike from a rebel. He was nearly inside when he spotted three of them running twards the king's main chaimber. "Die!" Bonez swiftly tossed his knives at them. They didn't utter a sound as they fell to the ground with Bonez's throwing knives lodged in their heads. Their blood flooded the once spotless floor. Bonez took a second to look around, he noticed how amazing the castle looked. "This is surely a palace fit for a god" he mumbled. He remembered what he had to do and started running off again.
         Bonez was nearly in the king's throne room when he saw two well armored men in front of the door. Bonez figured that they were the royal gaurds. They were covered, head to toe in glorious golden armor that glared in Bonez's eyes. The guards also had enormous spears by their sides. They looked strait ahead, showing no emotion at all. He was about ten feet away from the king's fearsome guards when he stopped dead in his tracks. Slowly, they turned their heads and looked Bonez in the eyes. It felt to him like they were burning a hole in his skull. "A rebel! Get him!!!"
         "What!?!" Bonez was not able to react fast enough. The guard closest to him ran and hit him in the chest with his shoulder plate. Bonez was knocked back a few feet but he was mostly unharmed. "Cheap shot" Bonez mumbled "you've just bought yourself an extremely terrible death!!" Bonez, being a master in necromancy, started to cast a spell. It was one of his personal favorites, he called it necro water. He whispered a special chant and held his palm to the floor. "Goodbye" he told the guards.
          Suddenly Bonez's hand started changing, it turned into a black liquid. It was thick and made a disusting slopping sound when it hit the ground. The necro water started to flood around the guards. One of them tried to lift up his foot, but with no success. even though it was only an inch deep the guards were sinking. They were sinking and there was nothing that they could do about it.
         Bonez, however was just fine. He watched with a triumphant grin on his face as the guards heads disappeared and the last air bubble when *plop*. Bonez whispered another chant and the black liquid started receding back into his arm. Soon the floor was back to normal and the guards were no where to be seen.  Bonez said to himself "I love that spell."
         Bonez, being well content with himself walked into the king's throne room. He looked around, he couldn’t see the king anywhere."Come out  your highness." The throne room was the biggest room in the whole castle. The king's throne was almost as tall as Zeno. Out of the corner of his eye, Bonez saw the king's face, hiding behind the throne.
         "There you are." He walked over to the king. He was an old, fragile looking man, who wore a red shaman's robe that was three sizes too big. He was almost completely bald, with a few strands of gray hair.The king got on his knees and begged "please, please don't hurt me, I'll do anything, anything!!"
          Bonez could see how frightened he was, so he decided to take advantage of the moment. He pulled his favorite knife out of the back pocket of his robe. The knife's blade was covered with rust, but still extremely sharp. Bonez had cast a spell on the knife almost a year ago.
          The spell gave the knife a terrifying power, anyone who is cut by the knife would die a horrible, painful death. Even the smallest cut from this knife could bring down a wooly mammoth.
         What will you give me if I decide to spare your wretched, meaningless life?" Bonez asked the king in his most threatening voice. "As much as you want." "Show me the gold" "s-show it to you?" "Yes." The king ran over to a locked door with the most elaborate keyhole that Bonez had ever seen.
         He pulled out a key tied to a golden necklace. He pushed the key into the hole and turned it. Bonez could hear a quiet *click*. Bonez walked over to him as the king said "if you spare me all of this will be yours."
         He grunted as he pulled the heavy door open. A light from the inside of the room glared so brightly That it almost left Bonez blind. Inside the room their was more gold than Bonez had ever seen in his whole life. "Really? Do you really fear death so much that you would give me all this to spare you?" The king nodded quickly.
         Bonez put his hand on his chin, as if he was thinking about something. An idea popped into his head."If you had any more gold I could possibly make you a potion for eternal life." Bonez started to grin. "Impossible, all of the greatest sages and alchemists in the world cannot create one. It is just a myth!" Bonez's grin grew wider. "Well, did you ever ask a necromancer?""W-well no, but necromancy is forbidden!"Bonez's grin grew into a wicked smile "I know."
         "S-so you m-mean that I could be invincible? T-t-thats impossible. Isn't it?" "No, its easy" Bonez bluntly told the old man.

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         "So if I drink this...I will be invincible?"Asked the king as he held up a vial filled to the brim with a strange red liquid. "Yup, there is only one way that you will be able to die.""And that is..." "If I decide to kill you." The king looked shocked "just kidding" Bonez added.
         "Pleasure doing business with you, your majesty." Bonez struggled to carry a large, heavy, sack with him out of the castle. Rebel bodies covered the battlezone, and several guard bodies too. Some of them were still moving...a little. Bonez handed the sack to Zeno and he carried it with one arm. "Woah, all this for just taking care of a few rebels?" "Yup. That, plus I made a little extra money by striking a deal with the king." Bonez was indeed satisfied with himself, scamming the king was something almost no man could acomplish. But Bonez got away with it "I just gave him a vial of blood and told him it would make him invincible."
         Our heroes gathered up their earnings and started to leave. They were halfway out of the king's sight when they heard marching. All at once they drew their weapons.
         "Somethings coming" said Bonez, confirming the obvious. Far off to the east Daz could see people. They were armed with swords, axes, spears and sheilds. There were tens of thousands of men marching twards the castle.
          "This should be fun" Daz said with a smirk as he stared at the oncoming force. Bonez only agreed with him, Zeno, however said "we better get paid extra for this."
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