Mama, wish u knew me deep inside

Life aint just the same.....It's true to say time never changes , we just change the way of looking at things......................
And maybe i'm changing and the way i'm looking at things is changing too.

I'm 19, and maybe in the past i didn't know who i was or what was my purpose on earth....but now i' ve come to realize that i only know who i really am...what really lies within me.........In my 19 years of life..I've met many people but there are rare people who understand me. Some people know me in the other way round.

Even my mama doesn't seem to understand me..She thinks I'm a person who doesn't care for anyone but she doesn't know that I really care for her n love her...I know I'm really bad with words, I am not good at expressing...So most of my feelings left hidden in me...

So mama this is for you...

Dear mama,
I just don't know where to start from....but I can 't keep it any longer in me..I've to tell you everything thats been hidden in me for this past 19 years....
I'm so sorry if I ever hurt you...I know, I did because I am always bad with words and I always ended up with harsh words which I never meant to say..
I remember every fight I had with you...and after each fight I wished i could turn back the clock but all in vain....and  I know, you always thought I hated you like hell..but thats not what you think...
.And with each passing day i saw u get sick...n sicker..I didn't know what you were going through....And as i grew up i learnt that you had PBC, primary biliary cirhosis....It was not cause you were an alcoholic but due to that many disease you got and all those medicines...I saw you getting sick and weak .....I was really helpless...i wished you would get well soon but you never got well soon.
...Mama, do you know what is my biggest wish? i wish i was the richest person on earth....So, that i can treat you with the money i've......If only..but wishes never do come true , do they?
Mama...i know you are sick and old now..but believe me i'm always here for you if you ever need me...even though i always let you down.
Now that i'll go to college....i will work hard out there and become somebody someday...and i'll make you happy..i'll make your every wish come true.....but you have to wait for me..Please don't go away from this world till i make all ur wishes come true....I know god will let you be here...because i asked god to give half of my life to you...i need the other half to become somebody and make you feel happy.

Mama all this time i've been loving you with all my heart..If only you knew how i really felt deep inside about you..Above all this things i have to thank you for bringing me in this world and also for giving me the best of everything you had...I know u might have had a lot of trouble because of me..maybe many sleepless nights too....i am sorry for everything...and thank you so much for everything you have done for me...I am what i am because of you....I don't know where i'll be without you...Mama i know you will get well someday...So, don't worry..everything happens for a reason..Right!You just have to believe in yourself and god...and i am always here for you....

Miracles do happen , we just have to wait for it....Love you with all my heart..
Hope you understood me now....Love you always.May god watch over you always.

with love
Your daughter
DC.