All's Fair

All’s fair
A one-act play by Sam Roos.

Lights “up” on a dark stage. The scene is a dorm room, though we can’t really tell that now, as its dark. PHIL, a 20-year-old college student, sits on the couch center stage, his roommate ED in the bed stage right of the couch. Phil’s empty bed is stage left. Phil’s desk is at the foot of his bed and faces SL, Ed’s desk faces the audience, and is a few feet in front of the foot of his bed. A television would rest center stage, facing the couch, but it is imagined so as not to obscure the scene.

Phil lights a lighter, and we can see that he has a large (2-3 foot) bong in between his legs. He lights it, and the slow gurgling of the bong fills the room. Phil sits up sharply, exhales. He coughs a little bit, and Ed stirs.

[Ed]
still half asleep
Are you smoking?

[Phil]
Eh?

[Ed]
Pot, are you smoking pot?

[Phil]
Oh. Yeah.

Ed sits up slowly and turns on a desk lamp, casting light onto the room for the first time. It’s messy, but not historically so. Paint cans and brushes sit in front of the couch. Ed holds his hand out for the bong, which Phil passes to him.

[Phil]
Didn’t mean to wake you.

Ed, already mid-hit, waves off the apology.

[Ed]
Exhaling Smoke
What were you doing up?

[Phil]
Painting.

[Ed]
Yeah? Let’s see it.

[Phil]
Alright.

Ed turns off the light. Phil reaches over to a loose cord, flicks the switch on it.

A couple of large blacklights turn on, revealing a mural that takes up the entire back wall of the room. It features an enormous half-finished dragon blowing psychedelic fire all over some kind of town. The paint is clearly made for blacklight, as it glows an ethereal, otherworldly combination of greens, whites, and oranges. Phil’s hands and arms also glow multicolored from the paint. Ed surveys the painting as Phil takes another hit.

[Ed]
Damn. That’s hot.

[Phil]
Exhaling smoke and passing the bong.
Beautifully understated.

Phil turns the blacklights off and flicks on his bedside lamp.

[Ed]
That’s a lot of progress, you been at it all night?
He begins to hit the bong.
There’s a knock on the door.

[Phil]
Yeah!

Another knock.

[Ed and Phil]
It’s Open!

The door opens and it’s Lola, Ed’s girlfriend.

[Lola]
Hey baby.

[Ed]
Hey sweetie.

She leans in and they kiss briefly.

[Lola]
God, it’s like a cave in here.

She crosses to the window

[Ed]
Wait!

[Phil]
don’t—

Too late. She pulls the shade open, sending light cascading into the room.


[Lola]
Well.

[Phil]
Bong hit?

[Lola]
Love one. Can I see it?

[Phil]
Ya. Here you go.
passes her the bong

[Lola]
Thanks, but I meant that.
She gestures towards the mural

[Phil]
Oh. Yeah.
He reaches over and turns off Ed’s lamp, leaving only the blacklight

[Lola]
Wow Phil. That’s…
looking at Phil, not the painting.
really beautiful.

[Phil]
standing to admire it
Thanks. I’m starting to really understand it. See, at first, I thought that maybe the dragon was society, and that the town was me, but I think that maybe I’m the dragon now, or Ed is and maybe that—

His philosophizing is interrupted by Lola’s cellphone. The tune is “whatever Lola wants”. Lola puts down the bong and answers it. Phil is a little offput, and turns to look at and think about the painting.

[Lola]
Hey bitch.
Pause.
Nothing, I’m just chilling out in Phil and Ed’s room.
Pause.
Yeah, we are.
Pause.
Just me and Phil.

She looks at Phil and, without words, asks him if another can come over to smoke with them. Phil shakes his head no.

[Lola]
Sorry Hayden, this is the last of the pot.

Phil takes notice of the name Hayden.

[Phil]
Actually, it’s fine.

[Lola]
Yeah?

[Phil]
Yeah I forgot, I’m picking up more this afternoon. I’ll roll a joint.

[Lola]
Kay.
Into the phone
Just kidding, come on over.
She hangs up.
Hayden’s on her way.

[Phil]
Now sitting, consumed with rolling a joint.
Cool.

Lola stands up and surveys the painting.

[Lola]
Phil… this is incredible.

[Phil]
Not listening. She’s missed her chance for him to talk about it.
Thanks.

[Lola]
I mean it.  It’s so… powerful.

[Phil]
Well, it is a dragon.

[Lola]
Shut up, I mean that it’s like, really compelling. Something about the fire, it’s so visceral, so… passionate.

[Phil]
Uh-huh.

Lola seems put out that Phil isn’t listening. Just then, a rapid knock on the door.

[Lola and Phil]
Yeah!

HAYDEN enters.

[Hayden]
HeeEEeey!

Hayden and Lola swap kisses on the cheek.

[Phil]
Hey Hay!
Pause.
You see what I did there? With hey, and hay, and your name is—

[Hayden]
Yes Phil, very clever.
She turns on the light, not interested in the painting.
To Lola:
He’s such a smart boy!

[Lola]
Oh, he could be a doctah!

[Hayden]
Or a lawyah!

The two girls giggle.

[Phil]
Well, this doctor is prescribing a heavy dose of vitamin THC.
He holds up the joint.
Anyone up for a burn ride?

[Lola]
We can’t smoke it here?

[Phil]
Eh, a joint is a little conspicuous as far as the smell.

[Lola]
Please?

[Phil]
We shouldn’t.

[Hayden]
Oh come on, nobody cares.

[Phil]
I guess you’re right.

With that, Phil lights the joint. They pass it around for the remainder of the scene.

[Phil]
So, you ladies got big plans tonight? Ed and I were thinking about seeing that new DeNiro movie. It’s supposed to be unbelievable.

[Lola]
Yeah, that sounds like fun!

[Hayden]
I kind of wanted to see the Meg Ryan one.

[Lola]
Ugh, they’re all the same.

[Phil]
(Quickly)
I’ll go! Ah, I mean, I’m up for whatever. Whatever.

Ed bursts through the door.

[Ed]
Jesus, I could smell that jay from the chemistry department.

[Phil]
Should have invited your professor.

[Ed]
taking the joint
Probobly couldn’t hurt, at this point.

[Phil]
He noticed you were late?

[Ed]
Yeah, “noticed” is a nice word for it.

Ed takes a puff, then leans in towards Lola. He blows the smoke into her mouth, and they are centimeters away from kissing.

[Phil]
Aw, the happy couple.

Ed and Lola share a quick peck on the lips, and the joint is passed to Phil.

[Hayden]
I want to try that.
Phil offers her the joint.
No, the other thing.

[Phil]
Oh. Okay.
He sits up in preparation to lean in and blow smoke into Hayden’s mouth. Hayden snatches the joint out of his hand.

[Hayden]
Ed. Do me.

Ed seems to choke on the sexual innuendo. He looks at Lola, who shrugs her shoulders in a “whatever” fashion.

Phil stares jealously at Ed and Hayden as Ed almost kisses Hayden. Hayden is really into it, really almost kissing Ed. Lola looks away from the two of them. Hayden holds Ed’s eyes as long as she can.

[Lola]
So… Movie?

Lights.
Scene 2
The same room. Lights are on, Phil, in his boxers, is speaking into his phone on his desk, which is on speakerphone, as he gets dressed.

[Phil]
Look I don’t care what we see, so long as we don’t fucking get there late again.

[Hayden]
On Speakerphone
Well, Lola says she doesn’t care, and I don’t want to see that DeNiro one, so let’s go to the other one.

[Phil]
Fine. We’re leaving in five minutes.

Loud knock.

[Phil]
I gotta go.
He hangs up the phone
Yeah!

Another knock.

[Phil]
Yeah! Come in!

The door swings open slowly to reveal the DRUG DEALER.

[Phil]
Oh yo, come in.

[Dealer]
You said you wanted an 8th?

[Phil]
Yeah, but better make it a quarter.

[Dealer]
Ok. I have to go get the rest then.

[Phil]
Alright, but I’ve gotta leave soon.

[Dealer]
It’s right in my room.

The dealer opens the door to leave, revealing Hayden standing there, about to knock. Lola is behind her.

[Hayden]
Hey.

The dealer slips past them. The girls enter and shut the door.

[Lola]
Who was that?

[Phil]
That’s uh, my, ah, my guy.

[Hayden]
Stage Whispered to Lola
His dealer!

[Lola]
Thanks for the tip, but I’m actually not retarded.

[Hayden]
Never know. Where’s Ed?

[Phil]
Bathroom. He’ll be right out.

[Lola]
Okay, then I’m going to go too.

She opens the door to leave, revealing the dealer, hand poised to knock.

[Lola]
Well we’re getting good at that.

She slips past him. He enters and closes the door.

[Dealer]
Alright I got everything I have: Weed, mushrooms, coke, and e.

[Phil]
Just the pot is fine.

[Dealer]
$80.

Phil rifles through his wallet.

[Phil]
Ten, thirty, fifty, sixty… Hold on, let me grab twenty bucks from Ed. Be right back.

He scoots off to the bathroom.

[Hayley]
Hey, um, did you say you had E?

The dealer holds up a large bag filled with white pills.

[Dealer]
Ayuh.

[Hayden]
How, um, much?

[Dealer]
Five bucks a pill.

[Hayden]
Let me, um, let me get four.

She holds out a twenty. The dealer chuckles and takes it, then gives her four pills.

[Hayden]
Whats funny?

[Dealer]
You were my freshman orientation leader.

They both laugh. Phil re-enters.

[Phil]
Alright, eighty bucks. There you go.

He hands the dealer the cash. The dealer counts it quickly, then tosses Phil a bag of marijuana.

[Dealer]
Pleasure doin’ business.


[Phil]
Pleasures all mine.

The dealer opens the door to leave, and Ed is there, zipping up his fly.

[Dealer]
This is some fuckin’ door.

He leaves.

[Ed]
What’d he mean by that?

[Phil]
Who knows. Lets go.

[Ed]
I can’t wait. They’re already saying DeNiro’s going to win the Oscar.

[Hayden]
God, he’s so sexy. I’m excited.

[Phil]
But I thought you—

[Hayden]
Looking at Ed
SO sexy.

Lights.
Scene 3
The Room. It is empty. The door swings open and Phil, Lola, Ed and Hayden all pile inside.

[Ed]
And then that guy is like “Run! Run or I’ll kill you myself! RAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!”

[Phil]
Laughing
And the girl is like “I can’t I can’t! I need you in my life more than anything ooooh la laaaaa!”

All four laugh

[Lola] to Josh and [Hayden]to Ed.
You are SO funny.

They all look at each other, realizing how weird that was. They fall into laughter again.

[Ed]
Picking up his backpack
Allright, I’m out of here.

[Lola]
What?

[Hayden]
Noooo!

[Ed]
I’ve got a paper to write!

[Phil]
It’s Saturday night!

[Ed]
Yeah, and tomorrow I’ve got like four different things I need to do. I’m going to the library.

[Hayden]
No! Edddddd!

[Ed]
Sorry guys.

[Lola]
Fine. We’ll just get plastered and go to Big Mike’s house without you.

[Ed]
Suits me, that place is a shithole.

[Phil]
A shithole with free booze.

[Ed]
Another time. Bye.

[all others]
bye.

Ed leaves.

[Lola]
Well fuck Ed, right?

[Phil]
Isn’t that your job?

[Lola]
She hits Phil in mock disdain
Well I never!

[Hayden]
Well that’s not true either, I’ve walked into our room one too many times to know that.

They all laugh.

[Phil]
Okay, let’s do this.

[Lola]
I need to pee.

[Phil]
Figures. You go pee, I’ll go get my bong back from Al down the hall, Hayden, can you mix up some drinks?

[Hayden]
My pleasure.

[Phil]
Okay. If I’m not back in 10 seconds, we’re smoking the bong and I’ll just be a minute.

[Lola]
Figures.
She sticks her tounge out at him.

[Phil]
Laughing
C’mon.

Phil and Lola exit.

Hayden waits a minute, then locks the door. During the following monologue, she prepares three rum and cokes.

[Hayden]
mocking Lola
Ahaha! Figures! Sticks her tounge out. God, she makes me want to vomit. Flirting with him like that… she doesn’t know how lucky she is. Ed doesn’t deserve this. He deserves better. He deserves me.

She takes out the pills, crushes one of them under a glass.

Well, we’ll see how long she can keep her hands off Phil now.

She crushes another pill and puts the powder in a drink. She does the same for another drink.

Bottoms up.

She takes a large gulp out of the “clean” drink.

Lola re-renters.

[Lola]
Ugh, the bathrooms on this floor are disgusting.
Pointing to drink
Is that mine?

[Hayden]
yeah.

[Lola]
thanks doll.

[Hayden]
Sure thing.

Phil re-enters, bong in hand. Lola hands him the other drink.

[Phil]
Thanks.
He takes a big sip.
Hayden you mixed this?
She nods
Delicious.

[Hayden]
Then let’s toast!

[Phil]
To what?

[Lola]
Robert DeNiro?

[Phil]
Eh, he wasn’t that good.

[Lola]
Hmmmm…

[Hayden]
to friends.

Lola and Phil nod.

[All three]
To friends!

They all drink. Lights.
Scene 4
The three of them, in the room. Phil has stripped down to a wife-beater and jeans. He and Lola are feeling the ecstasy, and sweating profusely. “Baba O’Reilly” by the Who is playing, fairly loudly.

[Hayden]
… and that’s why I’m not allowed into K-Mart anymore!

Lola and Phil laugh hysterically.

[Lola]
Oh my god Hayden, that’s the best story I’ve ever heard!

[Phil]
I agree.

[Hayden]
Lola sweetie, you look hot… why don’t you take that sweatshirt off?

[Lola]
Well we’re leaving soon right?

[Hayden]
not that soon, it’s only 10:45.

Lola nods and removes the sweatshirt. She is wearing a halter top very similar to Hayden’s.

[Lola]
Twins!!

[Hayden]
Ohmigod!

This is all the encouragement Lola needs

[Lola]
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Phil laughs. The song ends.

[Hayden]
Can I pick the next song?

[Phil]
I’d love you… to pick it out.

Hayden goes to Phil’s desk and selects a song from his laptop. Harsh, bass-heavy techno begins to pump out.

[Lola]
Yeeeeeaaah!

Lola and Hayden start dancing together.

[Hayden]
Come on Philly, aren’t you gonna dance with us?

Phil gets up and starts to dance with the girls. They’re dancing pretty provocatively, with Phil in between the two girls. At first Phil is pressing up against Hayden pretty hard, but Hayden manages to sort of pass him off to Lola. Both of them are feeling the ecstasy hard now, and begin grinding against each other with serious vigor. Hayden slowly steps away, and turns on the blacklight. Lola and Phil do not seem to notice. Hayden turns up the music, and, when she’s convinced the two of them seem inseparable, turns off the overhead light and slips out the door.

Lola sees Hayden leave, but says nothing. Instead she pulls Phil closer, practically dry humping him. The pace of the music intesifies. Lola, overcome by the drugs and the music and her love for Phil, kisses him on the neck. Soon, they are making out. Phil takes off his wife-beater. Lola jumps up on Phil, wrapping her legs around him. Phil isn’t expecting it, and gets knocked up to the ground, Lola on top of him. One of his hands has landed in a paint tray, and he holds it up, glowing like it’s been dipped in a radioactive pond. He flings the paint off of his hand, and it splatters all over both of them.

[Lola]
Oh YES!

Lola pulls off her shirt and kisses Phil passionately. He re-dips his hand into the paint tray and begins to “draw” on Lola’s bare cheast. He draws circles and spirals, and Lola moans and screams in pleasure. The screams get louder and louder as the lights slowly fade to black.
Scene Five
The hall outside Phil and Ed’s room. It’s later that night. Phil is sound asleep on his bed, his bare legs peeking out from underneath the covers. Hayden is sitting outside the door, when Ed returns from the library.

[Ed]
Wow, since when did we have a doorman?

Hayden looks up

[Ed]
Doorperson, sorry. Seriously, what are you doing here? It’s past two am.

[Hayden]
Well, I, uhm, I, wanted to keep you from going inside.

[Ed]
Oh! Did Phil meet someone at Big Mike’s?

[Hayden]
Not… exactly.

[Ed]
so…

[Hayden]
well, I don’t want to jump to conclusions, its just… I left the room because it seemed like Lola and Phil wanted some… time alone… and, well, Lola never came back to the room…

[Ed]
Oh yeah, they do this all the time. Probably talking about me!
He laughs, and puts in his key.

[Hayden]
No, Ed I—

Too late. Ed opens the door. Hayden is surprised to see Phil, sleeping alone.

[Ed]
See? And Lola is probably taking an extra-long shower, as usual.

[Hayden]
Oh… okay… well, see you tomorrow.

[Ed]
Yeah. Night.

He shuts the door. Ed takes off his coat and backpack, puts them down. He turns on his desk lamp, but it causes Phil to moan loudly and roll over.

[Ed]
Sorry.

He turns it off

[Ed]
Muttering
Can’t see a fucking thing…

He turns on the blacklight instead. He gasps loudly. There is paint everywhere, lots of it in the form of body prints—prints of hands, butts, brests, arms, legs, everything. It’s clear that there was a veritable tour-de-force of sex with dayglow paint.

[Ed]
What the fuck…

Suddenly the door swings open. It’s Lola, wearing a bathrobe.

[Lola]
shutting the door behind her, not seeing Ed
Hey Philly, ready for another—
She sees Ed.
Ed?!

[Ed]
What the fuck is this?!

[Lola]
Look, Ed, I can explain.

[Ed]
I should fucking hope so! Because it looks like you spent the whole night fucking my roommate!

[Lola]
No, Ed, it’s not like that, we—

[Ed]
Then WHY are you wearing his FUCKING BATHROBE?!

Ed, enraged, rips the bathrobe off of her. Underneath, she is covered in all kinds of crazy designs including handprints on both breasts, which glow under the blacklight.

Ed says nothing, shaking his head.

[Lola]
Ed, I’m… I’m sorry.

[Ed]
Fuck you.

Ed storms out of the room and slams the door behind him.

[Lola]
Oh… oh god…

Lola chokes back a sob and puts the bathrobe back on. She picks up whatever clothes are convieniant, kisses Phil on the forehead, and leaves the room.

Phil groans, and rolls over. He sits up, slowly waking. Then he notices the paint everywhere, and sits up, confused. He looks at his painting in shock.

[Phil]
oh… oh no. No!

he starts to cry, then stops

[Phil]
Ed. ED!
Scene Six
Hayden and Lola’s room. It’s arranged the same way as the other room, although it’s cleaner, and the couch is a love seat. Hayden sits in bed, reading “a midsummer night’s dream”. There’s a loud pounding on the door.

[Hayden]
Who is it?

[Ed]
ED!

[Hayden]
It’s open!

Ed opens the door and come crashing through. He is holding a bottle in a brown paper bag. He collapses on the couch.

[Ed]
Well, you were right.

He tries to take a drink, and, finding it empty, tosses the bottle aside.

[Hayden]
Feigning not understanding
What are you talking about?

[Ed]
Lola! And, and Phil!

Hayden gets out of bed. She is dressed in alarmingly seductive/skimpy clothes for pajamas, but Ed doesn’t seem to notice.

[Hayden]
Oh, Ed!

She embraces him, and he cries softly on her shoulder. She rubs his back softly for a moment, and then holds him tight. She kisses him softly on the ear. Ed, too drunk to care, allows her to proceed. They start to kiss more and more passionately, hands becoming busy. Hayden removes Ed’s shirt. They are groping each other heavily.

[Hayden]
Oh… Ed…

[Ed]
Drunkenly moaning
Lola!

Hayden doesn’t seem to care. Edc elicits a tremendous moan from Hayden, and halfway through Phil throws the door open.

[Phil]
Ed! You son of a bitch!

Hayden screams and jumps off of Ed, covering herself under the covers. Phil looks at the two of them.

[Phil]
You motherfucker! You motherfucker! First the painting, and now her?! Fuck you Ed, FUCK! YOU!

[Ed]
Wha?

Phil slams the door.

Lights.
Scene Seven
Outside Ed and Phil’s room. Ed, Hayden, and Lola are all banging on the door.

[Ed]
Phil! Let us in!

[Hayden]
We can explain what happened!

[Lola]
Please, Phil!

[Ed]
Unbelievable.
To Lola
This is all your fault you know.

[Lola]
Quietly
I know. I just want it to be over.

[Ed]
Well, it’s not the only thing that’s over.

[Lola]
Hurt
Obviously.

[Hayden}
Banging on the door
Phil!!

A campus police officer  enters.

[P.O.]
Alright now, who’s Ed.

Ed indicates himself

[P.O.]
Okie dokie, and you’re locked out of this room eh?

Ed nods

[P.O.]
Well, lets see what we can do.

The cop searches his keyring. He finds the key he is looking for, and opens the door.

Lights up on the inside of the room. The blacklights are on, and the painting is now spread across all three visable walls and the ceiling. It is an incredible scene, with dragons and other mystical beasts intertwined with one another, psychedelic patterns and flames everywhere. It is truly a sight to behold. In the center of the room, though, is the real scene. Phil is naked, passed out on the middle of the floor. There are white pills everywhere.

[Ed]
Oh my god…

Lola shrieks, and Hayden holds her. The cop walks over to Phil, takes his pulse, and pushes a button on his walkie-talkie.

[P.O.]
I need an ambulance at Smith dorm ASAP, I have a possible overdose victim here, no pulse…

Lola screams and starts bawling into Hayden’s shoulder. Ed sits on his bed in shock. The cop tries to restart Phil’s heart.

[Ed]
Look at the painting…

[Lola]
Through sobs
It’s beautiful.