Adventures with Buck Deerkille

The television made a dull click, and the screen slowly illuminated to life.

"Hello, m'name's Buck Deerkille, an' thanks fer joinin' us today." Buck's head dipped and bobbed with his words. He was completely absorbed in what he was saying; excited really. His mouth was tense, and spoke mainly from the bottom right. His thick mustache masked his upper lip, and twitched every now and then. "We got a great show fer ya' ta-day." His voice was deep and burly. He spoke mainly in a series of growls and grunts, in a tone that was something like metal grating grinding together.
Buck was dressed in the typical hunter's gear, camoflauged from head to toe. A cap was planted loosely atop his long, mangy, light brown hair that was dusted lightly with grey. His heavy facial hair envoloping his mouth and chin was the same color, but held less of a grey hue.
The camera zoomed out to show Buck's full frame, and revealed a bit more of the scenery in which Buck was filming his show. It was the typical mid Fall's forest, where only half the tree's leaves still clung weakly to their branches. The rest had already given way, and resigned to the bed of the forest.
Buck's feet shifted, crunching over the dry corpses of leaves, and he adjusted his massive rifle to rest, cocked in the nook of his neck and shoulder, holding the grip of the weapon loosely, finger still resting comfortably on the trigger. With his free hand, he made a nonchalant gesture, directing behind him with his thumb. "Now, ba-hind me.. I nailed me fine lil' critter. I saw this lil' feller no more 'an a few seconds ago. Now, the camera weren't read'ay yet, but I was able to get the lil' guy before he was able ta' run away."
Buck stepped to the side, and went to his haunches to expose his fine bounty to the camera. A warm and charming smile graced Buck's lips, at least as charming as a mustached mouth like his could achieve. "Boy, ain't he a beauty. An' look at 'im bleed." Buck took a moment to embrace the sight of the creature he'd just shot down.
The bunny rabit sure did bleed, and a lot more than it seemed a small bunny should have. Granted, the bunny had nearly been torn in half by Buck's massive bullet. Broken bones and bits of cartilage poked out of flesh still oozing with what little blood was left. Buck reached out, and gently carressed one of the few small patches of clean, soft, unrendered fur with the tip of his index finger.
"He's a fine specer-min of woodsy majesty. Look here at the fur, nice and thick fer keepin' 'im warm in the winter." The bunny's tongue hung lifelessly out of the side of it's mouth, and the eyes were frozen in a stale, lifeless shock of empty pain. "Alright lil buddy," Buck straightened and smiled down warmly at his kill, "... see ya' later." Buck looked back at the camera, directing that smile of his to the audience. "Bunnies are cute." Buck began to walk along the forest bed of crunching leaves. "But we got somethin' else for ya' today, too. We've been trackin' a purdy big buck fer the past hour er so. He's left big ol' markin's on the trees with his antlers, and I gotta' say.. he's gotta' be one of the biggest bucks I'll ever see. But if you jus' folla' me, we'll track this big fella' down in no time, and I'll share with ya' some of the great wilderness of da' woods that ya' can't find at home, 'er in the backyard."

The camera fades out.

The camera fades into a closeup of Buck. His eyes were large and bug like, excited and overwelming with charismatic glee. His lips stretched into a wide grin that cocked to one side more than the other. He was a like a little boy in a candy store, an old person who won the ultimate game of bingo, or perhaps a crook who got off not guilty.
"Alright folks, we've come up on our bounty." He was, again, nodding enthusiastically with his words; bobbing this way and that. He shot a thumb over his shoulder, directing behind him. He was crouched, pressing his back against a large tree at an attempt at stealth. "We've tracked the big fella' all the way out here, and now.. I'm'a get m'first look at our big friend, as soon he steps from the small gatherin' a' trees over yonder."
The camera shot in the direction Buck indicated, and about thirty to fourty yards away, there was a gathering of small trees. Amongst them a dark brownish figure shifted from side to side, and a low, dull scraping sound came from it's direction. It was probably the massive animal's large antlers wrestling with the thin, flexing branches of the lesser trees it had walked into.
Buck held his weapon eagerly, peeking from around the tree at the scene, and after a few moments the beast began to back step, turn, and head out of the gathering of minor trees. The camera zoomed in to catch the majestic moment of revelation when the deer would step into it's view. Finally, it did, and the animal was quite enormous for a deer.
In fact, it held some very awkward qualities that are not found in any normal deer. It's face was much longer than that of a deer, and wider as well. The eyes were set towards the middle of it's face, rather than angled along the sides. The beast's mouth hung lazily agape, and it was not the common, petite and dainty mouth of a deer. Instead, it's mouth was large and spread wide across the sides of it's head. The only things that resembled a deer of all it's features was the nose that ended this odd creature's face at a button, and the gigantic rack that mounted it's cranium.
A manly grunting sound came from somewhere to the side of the camera. It was Buck, and the camera zoomed out immediately to return him to the picture's frame. His face was painted in the greatest amazement of all. His own mouth was hung agape, only not in the same lazy manner the deer-thing's was, but in a fashion of one who'd just been touched by the pressence of God. He readied his mighty weapon.
Boom! The shot was a low, deep crack, and it's kick rocked Buck nearly off his crouching stance and onto the ground. The kick was harder for the deer-beast, and it hit the animal high on the hind leg. The wound was massive, and it was obvious many bones were broken and dislocated.
The deer-thing immediately made a loud growling type howl, and it was something monstrous. The creature had no function of it's wounded leg, but with the other three it tried frantically to drag itself away. The thing was in a horrified fury.
But Buck was swift and moved much more nimbly than his form appeared it could permit him. It only took him a split second to recover from the buck of his shot, and he was quickly charging the beast. The deer-beast didn't have a chance to drag itself more than a few feet before Buck came upon it, stopping a short distance away. Buck aimed the barrel of his massive firearm at the thick, muscular neck of the gigantic beast he preyed upon, and let off another fantastic round.
Boom! Buck was knocked back onto his heels, and almost fell over. Blood had exploded in every direction, and it was flung thickly across Buck's frontside. The massive deer-thing had collapsed onto the ground with a loud thud into the dead leaves, and let out a final gurgling moan like an industrial sized garbage disposal slowing to a stop as it passed into death.
Buck had quickly regained his stance, and kept his big gun aimed into the half severed neck of the mighty deer-beast he had just conquered. His clothes and face were splattered with blood, and his eyes were so bulbous and full of amazement that they seemed eager to leap from the sockets of his face. It took a few moments, as he stood their aiming his weapon at the bleeding and lifeless animal that lay defeated at his feet, to return from his superhuman killer's trance. Finally, he slowly lifted his head and gazed with his big glassy eyes into the camera. A grin slowly graced across his lips, and it was so wide it nearly split his face in two.
"Amazin', folks..." he said in his deep, growlish, manly voice. He rose a callussed fingertip to wipe blood from the nook of his eye. The deer-thing was completely still, and there was an astonishing amount of blood that pooled over the area. It ran freely from the half-decapitated beast.
"This ain't no ordinary deer." His head twitched and bobbed ever more energetically now. Buck was high.
"We gone found ourselves a douche!" Buck had meant to say doose, but it came out douche through his heavy, hearty way of speech.
"Douches are amazin' things, and they look somethin' like a deer.... mixed with a mouche. That's where we come up with the word for 'em.... Douche." Of course, by mouche he meant to relate to his audience the common forest trekker, moose.
The thick snap of a twig echoed from somewhere in the distance. Buck was too embraced in the moment by his excitement to break from his explanation on the origins of the doose, and take notice of the distant sound.
"Ya' see, douches are a result of deer, mouches, and the nuclear power plant that was built ten miles upstream of the river that runs through this, here forest."
At this, Buck's giddy grin turned into a warm smile, and he set his head to the side slightly, "Ain't it amazin' what nature and man can do together? We make the world a better place."
"Huh?! Wha's that?!" Buck's smile was quickly swept from his face, and his eyes shot bug-like again. Something was shuffling through the dry leaves nearby, and it was too obvious for Buck to ignore now. Naturally, Buck's hands grasped his mighty handheld canon with deadly intent.
Something gave a huff, then an angry roar. It was deep, vicious, and cut sharply through the crisp forest air. Something mean was charging speedily through the bed of dead leaves now, and it's voracious padding sounded far too close for comfort. It was bearing down on them.
"Oh man!" Buck hooted.
Plowing through the forest brush came a hulking brown bear. It smashed through the camera man on it's barge toward's Buck, the monstrous beast's true objective. The camera flew out of his hands, and tumbled across the bed of leaves. The frame fell in Buck's direction, showing him being pummelled to the ground with mighty claws.
Buck would have sent off a shot to halt the attacking bear, but he wasn't quick enough. Instead, he held his gun out, shielding himself from the massive claws that hosted nails whom threatened him with a rending death. "Hooof!" He was on his back now, holding back the weight of a fierce, adult brown bear with his weapon. The monster hurled a vicious bite with it's jaws of terrific power in the direction of Buck's face, but Buck evaded with not an inch to spare.
The bear snarled angrily, but Buck gave out a battle cry of his own. "Raaarrrr!" Buck Deerkille had instantaneously become a vicious beast, himself. By the sound of his mighty roar, he sounded as ravenous as the opposing brown bear, if not more so. This gave the bear pause, just long enough of a split second for Buck to counter attack.
The butt of the hefty riftle smashed into the bear's snout, and blood spurted from the beast's nose. The tactic stunned the bear enough for Buck to pull himself from under his predator, and up to his feet.
At this point, perhaps a normal person would have taken this opportunity to escape while they could, but Buck was a true hunter, through and through. He was a man amongst men. He was apparently intent on showing this bear that he was the one who wore the pants around these woods, because he lunged at the beast without a shred of hesitation.
Their bodies collided, and Buck locked his arms around the bear's neck. The beast flailed from left to right, tearing at Buck's clothes and slashing gashes along Buck's back and shoulders. Buck felt no pain, instead his face was infused with a ferocious and violent anger. His arms tightened their lock on the bear's neck. Buck reeled back his head and then shot it foward, headbutting the bear. Then he did it again, and again. The bear grunted and huffed, then roared woefully. Finally, Buck reeled back once more and sank his teeth deep into the fur just above the bear's eye. Immediately, the bear gave another distressed groan. Buck pulled back hard. The veins in his neck bulged and quivered as Buck ripped away a large chunk of flesh from the bear's brow.
Blood poured over the bear's face, and shrouded it's vision. The beast began to get anxious, and no longer was it's violence set by anger, but by surivival. It reared up onto it's hind legs, taking Buck off of his feet as he kept his powerful lock on the bear's neck. Buck's intentions were set to lethal, and he jerked at the bear's neck even harder. The bear rocked from one side to the other, trying to shake Buck off, but Buck wasn't having that. Instead, Buck retailated by bashing his head into the bear's some more. He clashed into that bite-wound on the bear's head, and blood was beginning to splash everywhere with every cranial attack Buck sent. The bear began to stumble from side to side, on it's hind legs.
The feud left sight of the camera for a few moments. All that was heard was the bear's shuffling clumsily over the leaves, and growling with every exhale, but so was Buck.
The bear grew dizzy with haste. The combination of the head blows and the death-grip arm lock Buck had on his neck meant defeat for him. In the corner of the camera's view, the bear's claws were seen sent out in a few uncordinated, lazy thrashes. They were weak, and fell short of causing Buck any harm.
Finally, the bear collapsed, it's face directly in front of the camera's perspective. Buck's was still bashing his head into the bear's. The beast was obviously out cold, but Buck connected his noggin a few more times with the bear's.
Then, he let go of his grip on the bear's neck and scrambled to his gun that lay restlessly on the ground a few yards away. He stood, and ran back to the bear and put the nozzle into the juggular of the beast he had conquered. Boom! This time, Buck was knocked off of his feet and fell on his bottom. Blood sprayed over the lense of the camera, blanketing the screen of the television with a dark red, almost black hue.
Some shuffling was heard, then the lense was wiped clean with a cloth. As it was wiped clear, the frame embraced Buck's face close up. "Well..." Buck's smile was as vibrant and joyous as ever. One could even say it was insane. "I ain't had that much fun since I was boy." Buck was the one holding the camera. One could only presume the camera man fled for his life. "I'm 'afraid tha's all we got fer ya' ta'day, folks. A few things ta' reflect on 'til next time; bunnies are cute..." Buck nodded gently, and his smile aquired a sense of warmth. "Nuclear wastes and nature CAN hermonize.... just think of the douches!" At this, Buck's expression suddenly grew sincere and determined. "An' finally...... ain't no Whinney the Pooh gonna' take out your old pal, Buck Deerkille!" Buck gave out a hearty chuckle. A chunk of fur was stuck between his teeth. "Well.. see ya'll next time!"
The screen faded to black, and the credits began to roll. Starring - Buck Deerkille.
The television gave an electronic click, and it powered off.

Jennifer was lounged comfortably on her sofa. She was young, seemed to be early twenties. Her hair was long, chestnut brown, and tied back into a pony tail. Jennifer had a very attractive face, heart shaped with a strong yet slender jaw line. Hazelnut was the hue of her eyes that were encased with thick, long lashes. Jennifer's nose was low, and it's bridge was thin, arching smoothly into the tip. Her lips were medium-thin and seemed small until they stretched wide, revealing her perfected and pearly teeth. Right now, the crease of his lips played a charmed grin. Jennifer was dressed in a tank top and a pair of very short shorts. This was her lounge wear, and they fit snuggly to her healthy form.
She leaned foward, and set the television remote down on the coffee table. Jennifer mumbled at the blank television through her enticing grin, "Buck... you are soooo hot...."

- Fin -