Here... I am Free

Here… I am Free

Have been thinking about what you were saying, and asking...
about what I hold back and why...
I do, and I know it, but what I hold back
is that which would hurt, not just me but others as well.

I am... can be... a very emotional person.
Because of what I have been through,
and because my mind's chemistry
does not always work correctly,
my moods swing, sometimes very drastically.
I have learned that many cannot or will not
deal with this side of me, so when the pendulum swings too far,
I crawl into my shell and wait it out.
There have been times when I have been asked
not to do this... to share instead... try to lean...
and have tried, but have not found anyone
strong enough to withstand the pain
that comes with the down swing.

I don't like hurting others,
and those who want to share are often those I care about. 
The pain and sorrow, which flows so swiftly down,
runs like molten lava,
searing and burning those within its path,
devouring all that is good as well as that which is not. 
Would you not hold back this wanton destruction? 
Could you inflict such agony on those whom you hold dear. 

I hold back none of the joy and delight,
sharing those freely with whoever wanders into my light.
Allowing them my soft embrace so they too may sing
and their hearts may fly with mine
into glorious azure spring and midnight velvet winter. 

You tell me there are people who can help with the darkness,
which descends without warning…
mention I am not alone.  I have sought them out,
learned from them, heard their encouragements, taken their pills,
and watched them walk away.  They say I am strong,
I will endure, I will overcome, I will survive;
but I want so much more than that, I want to live free.
 
“Let them walk away,” you say, “you only want to keep those
who will accept you for who you are,”
but when alone... have to be strong...
have to be in control.... even of me....
can never just let go and be truly not in control. 

I grow tired of being strong, chafing under the yoke of control,
weep for the freedom to just be…
ache to have control taken from my weary shoulders
so I may soar and fly even while the darkness burns…
yearn to know that my strength
is not that which drives the darkness away.

“You share in this place where you know you are safe.”
No, say I, no place is safe for one who shares, for one who cares.

You need not touch me to hurt me, you only need to know me…
all of me… deep inside of me… the darkness and the light. 
I seek here… that which eludes me in real life…
for here is the only place I can be free…
if only for a time… for here is the only place
the darkness cannot overcome control.
 
Here… I am free.