Life on a Two way Street

            As I, sit here wondering if all of this is still worth it. I feel like I do not belong here, this place, this world. I often dream about places that feel real, but not. How would one know from what is real to what is not real? Can such a person live in two places and still act like that there is no need for concern? I think not. I myself am going completely out of my mind just trying to live just one simple life. Well, some what of a simple life. I work Mondays to Fridays and have no clue on when I get home after work. The hours are never set. I deliver produce all over the city, so I am done when I am done. This is not an easy job. I have to deal with crazy drivers, a lot of people, and slow days. I work hard, but at times, I feel like I am still in my dreams.

    So what is real? Am I a truck driver or am I a homemaker? How would you really know? Have you ever had a day that you could not explain on what just happened or even on how you got through the day without a memory of it? How about doing something that you know you have never done, but you are doing it as you have for years. Well, that is how I feel, just about all of the time. I get the feeling that I have lived for thousands of years. My simple little life, it turns out, to be an adventure. Every day I look forward to something new and seeing that I can do any thing, I want. However, what if all that I am doing is just a dream. What am I supposed to do?

I feel that in times I do not know on who I am? Where I am? Alternatively, even what I am.

    If you just try to find it in yourself that, you are not alone in this mad world. You would then understand yourself a little better then you would ever imagine. I am always lost. So what am I? Am I dreaming or just crazy? I will always find no answer and myself with questions. I am a loner and love every minute of it. People think that is not normal, but what is normal? Is there such a thing as normal? We can only hope that the little things that are "normal" are just really simple. People that do not accept the weird and unusual, are also the ones that do not like change, nor change themselves. How can someone survive without change? I, I have tried to change and all I got was pain from change. So, why be normal in the public eyes.

    Every day I am asked why I do the things I do. Well, that is a hard one to explain. I will just give you just a small run down. I have been Miss treated, beaten, and unloved most of my life. I cannot give affection nor show love for someone that is close. There for I will always be alone. I dream about living with animals and being alone. I work everyday so that I can survive in this world and am a truck driver for a local produce company. I deliver produce to all the restaurant and casinos. I love driving and seeing all of the customers. I enjoy going to all of the different places and seeing all the things they make. I also have gone out to eat at these places and enjoyed it. I have also gone to places that are not local. Like the ones in the mountains that are just so beautiful. Therefore, I do a lot of travelling. That always gives me the reason to live. That is my job. I go in every morning and just cannot wait until I see my customers. They all miss me if I do not deliver to them because I am on a different route. This is what I like and will continue to be a truck driver.

    Then there are my dreams. Where I am a homemaker and I am also very happy. I am taking care for the house, animals, and my husband. I am going to the store to buy groceries and just doing errands. This is also a simple life. What people would say a normal life?

    Every morning I wake up next to my handsome husband. I get up before he does so I can make his breakfast and his lunch before he goes to work. I get him up with a cup of coffee and a gentle kiss. He gets up and takes a shower and I am putting his breakfast on the table. I put his lunch in his lunch box with treats and a note saying that I love him. How can I not love him? We have been married for seven years now. With no children. I want a child. We just are not ready for a child. He works and I am at home working with the horses and training them, so in turns I also work.

    So, if my dreams are dreams and I am both a homemaker and a truck driver. Who am I? I do not see my self as a homemaker of seven years. I am a loner and I need no one.
I like the idea that I can do whatever I want and not to have to worry about the other person. So I ask myself again, am I just dreaming or just crazy? How can a person tell from fantasy to reality? How would I know fact from fiction? Maybe I really do not exist and I am just someone else toy to play with. I just believed that we are all from the same spirit and our mothers’ earth helps us live. I try to live my life, as it was to be the last. I have dyed my hair red and at one time have put blonde down the sides of my face. People say that I am not normal because I like to be different. That is daring to be different. I do things to make people think.

    They try to figure me out and all I do is put them in their place, by doing some thing else different. Like my dreams, I am always on the go and doing things different from other people. To make things more difficult I have a girlfriend. (That is, I am also gay.) I try to be in any kinds of relationships to try to get out of being alone. After I think about what I have been through and things I have done, I love my life. I also like seeing and hearing people’s reaction to the things, I do. I have colored my hair to the brightest color to confused people.

    When I am delivering to my customers, I usually have to wait. When I do, I just sit back and think about all the things I could have done. Have you ever thought about going back to the past, with the knowledge of what you have now to change things? I have, all the time. I would change a lot of my past. The stuff that I have done wrong and the people that have hurt me. I would avoid all of that and be rich with the job I got. I would be a truck driver still and be alone till I was ready. What can I say? I just want my life to be mine. I do not want to be controlled and I would do anything to just be me. Even if it kills me, like it is now. If I have to be me all of this time, I would not have to struggle with my life now. Nevertheless, then again there are my dreams that get me thinking, if this is supposed to be.

    Am I really the type of person to run my life with no one, or am I really a person that is being controlled by everyone? How can I know if I am living my own life or that I am living the life of some ones dream? Life to me is confusing enough, without all of the drama. People that I know like to add drama to my life. I do not like this because it makes it hard for me to sleep. I am all ways up at night wondering if what they say is affecting my life to the point that I cannot sleep. If this is so then what of my dreams? The life of a homemaker. With a loving husband of seven years. I really like to know because I kind of like being the truck driver that leads a lonely life and the homemaker that lead a loving and caring life. I am going to be 30 years old tomorrow and I still do not know if I will ever love someone or even be loved. If I do choose what life I want to lead, that would be both lives. Everyone needs some room to breathe or just a time out from one another and everyone need someone to love. I have filled my heart with love for my horses and dogs, but I just need to give someone my love once in a while. I really like showing someone the things I got and the things I am getting. I also like to share my time with someone. That is when I go camping, fishing, or some thing that is related with the outdoors. I enjoy having the company of others in the things I do, but not every day. I love doing things for others and I like to share them. I also like for someone to like me for me while doing things for others and I like to share them. Is that hard to ask?

    When I am ready for that kind of commitment, then I will slow down. No way! I will always be this way and if people do not like that then the hell with them. If you cannot accept me for who I am then you can just leave me alone. Enjoy life in any way you want and to live it to the fullest. Does all this with responsibilities and respect as if you want it. I need a lot of respect and understanding. Life is too short to be controlled.