Finding The Goddess Within

I was born into the Roman Catholic Faith. My mother is from Spain, so Catholocism is the rage there. I attended Mass, had my first Communion, and participated in Confession all the way up until my early teens. Finally, I was allowed to make my own decision about Church, so I decided that I was through. I never could grasp the whole Saint for Everything concept, especially when you go into Saints to pray to when you have a hangover??? Please. (Saint Bilbiana, for those who are interested.)

So, I still read the bible, which in itself is fascinating. But I was more interested in learning about the women of the bible. What made them tick? And why, oh why, were they always judged because of what a man thought about them? Take the case of the adulteress, whom Jesus pardoned. Where was the man that contributed to her adultery? Last time I checked, it took two to commit adultery.

So you see, I was becoming discouraged, and just plain irritated with the bible, and religion, and the whole cruel mess of Christianity. Thnk about this, infants were murdered along with their mothers, all for the sake of a religion. The only thing that remained constant and relatively "good" were the angels.

The year I began to write on Writing.com, I began to write a story about a Greek Goddess, as I have always been fascinated with Greek mythology. In my story, I decided that the main character should be a witch. Well, I didn't know anything about witchcraft, Wicca, Pagans, anything. So, I found a New Age group here on Writing.com, applied for, and was accepted into the group.

I was fascinated. I have always been an eager learner, and very open minded, so I began to read on the site about spells, and initiations, and walking the path of the Goddess, and my favorite, The ThreeFold Law. Not one thing I read caused me to so much raise an eyebrow in question. It seemed so logical to me. Everything made perfect sense.

I thought I was in heaven. This is what I was looking for. Never mind research for my novel, this is research for me! This is not to say that I was ready to don a cloak and begin chanting spells. I was no where near ready for any of that. Anyone who first ventures into Wicca, will hopefully understand me when I say that this is not a Path to jump into. This is a Path taken with reverence, and an honest heart.

I read the Charge of the Goddess and the Charge of the God for the first time, and I was reduced to tears by the time I was finished. This is what I was looking for. An identity into a life that truly cared about me.

"For if that which you seek you find not within yourself, you will never find it without."

If you cannot care about yourself, why should the Goddess or God care about it? If you cannot care about yourself, you will never find anyone who will. This is the message. This is the message that caused me to sit up and pay attention to myself. Did I like myself? Not particularly. A failed marriage, horrible credit, and a spinster outlook on life.

How many of us are so willing to just say, okay, here is my problem, now fix it for me, while I sit back and do nothing.

The Goddess says, Stop Right There Miss Thing. Uh uh. You take three steps, and I will do the same, but the first move is always yours.

So I made four moves. And the Goddess heard.

It was Mabon, 2004, when I decided to pamper myself a little as I had a bit of a cold. I was putting together my Book of Shadows, and was a little tired, so I napped. And what happened in the dream I had, would be the deciding factor on what I was going to do with my life.

I had an extremely vivid dream in which Artemis made herself known to me. I did not realize it was She at the time. She appeared as an ordinary woman, clothed in a gray sweatshirt and jeans in a house I found myself arriving to, although I had never been there before. I had the feeling that I was expected. This woman, as I had no inkling as to who she was, never took her gray eyes off of me. At first it was with mild curiosity. Almost as if she was measuring me up. On the wall to the right of where she sat was a large portrait of a very handsome man, who I had never seen before.

As I stood, staring at his portrait, it suddenly blew up, shattering in millions of colorful pieces. I instinctively turned and looked at the woman, who was calmly taking slivers of the shattered portrait and fashioning golden arrows out of them. Her expression towards me changed from curiosity, to daring. As if she was waiting to see what I would do, before actually making up her mind about me.

My first instinct, which I gave into, was to run away. I ran from the house, without any destination except to save myself. I knew with absolute clarity that she had killed this man. And as she had killed this man, what was to stop her from killing me?

I then had a second thought, which made me stop. I then thought, what if she came after my family? I decided right then and there that whoever she was, she was going to have to get through me, before she tried to get to my family. I then ran home, not to hide, but to stand and fight. It was then that I awoke.

I was still feeling the nuances of this dream, when I looked up and asked, “Diana, was that you?” In response to my out of the blue query, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up, and I had my response.

I believe that She was challenging me. Challenging me to change my everyday thoughts away from me, me, me. She challenged me to turn and fight instead of run away. I believe she was measuring my worth, testing me.

I call Her “Diana”, as this seems an intimate way of conversing with Her. I know she is one and the same Goddess. I have been very blessed since she chose me, and I have also had to prove myself to her in more ways than one. Each time has been a valuable learning experience. I feel very close to her some days, and I know when she is not pleased with me, or the choices I have made.

She is not easily pleased, only when faced with a challenge, and meeting that challenge head on, is when I can truly feel Her acceptance of me. It is my own warrior-goddess aspect that I believe she gets a kick out of. I still have a way to go to be in complete favor of her, I know. My experiences with her have been eye opening, and have truly made me into the person I am now. I was chosen, and it is a blessing.

The one thing I know that has changed me about becoming a Wiccan, is that I have this infinite capacity to remain calm, when normally I would fly off the handle. The Spanish Fury aspect of myself. I am known as the peacemaker. It's a nice handle to use, however I have to be careful to not let my empathy lead me away from my own emotions.

Since declaring myself as a Witch, I have not stopped studying. I read, and read some more. And if I do not understand, I ask. I am currently studying in the Sacred Mists Tradition as a First Degree Priestess, and just recently began studying the Dianic Tradition. I am also studying for my Second Degree Reiki Certification, and hope to be a Reiki Master/Teacher.

I give my gifts freely. I feel that as many times the Goddess has been there for me, with asking nothing in return except to believe in Her, then I can do the same.

Again, let me point out, I am not in any way, shape, or form, a glorified peacekeeper. I am loud, I speak my mind, but I know when to shut up in the process. I am learning to embrace my Amazon side as well. These things make me strong, make me a force to be reckoned with, and make me who I am.

I have found the Goddess within me. And I am honored that She showed me the way.