A Good Listener

“So you agree that Baruca Salt would have a prima facie case against Willie Wonka on a theory of strict liability, based off her status as a licensee?”

“Ashton, we’ve been down this route before--"

“But you’re not getting it!  First: Wonka had a strict duty to warn her ahead of time of the dangers he knew existed on his property, and he didn’t.  He just took her to an easily surmountable gate and pointed at the candy-striped chute of death and the fuzzy animals, and his actions after that point were tantamount to saying ‘Dive on in!’  Not to mention--"

“We both know where this is heading, and it’s a place you don’t want to go, Ashton.  This will be the second time--"

“Yes!  Second: an owner is strictly liable for any tort directly resulting from the foreseeable actions of an exotic pet.  Granted, a squirrel is not akin to the great white shark in our last hypothetical, but ask yourself: what is ‘exotic?’  According to Black’s Law Dictionary, it is, and I quote, ‘beyond the ordinary range of domesticated animals.’  Do you keep a squirrel as a pet?  No.  Of course you don’t.  In fact--"

“Ashton?  Ashton.  You and I both know I only understand precious few words that escape your mouth, and the ones I do understand--”

“Next subject: Violet Beauregard.  Unlike Baruca, I think assumption of risk is a relative non-issue: Wonka told her not to chew the gum, but did she listen?  No.  She didn’t.  Granted, there is a comparative negligence issue--”

“WOULD YOU JUST SHUT UP?!  You’ve been at it for half an hour now.  For the love of God, Ashton, shut it.  Shut the mouth.  It’s like listening to a reading of the Yellow Pages--”

“Hang with me, though.  I’m working up to the Ompah-Loompas’ options with regards to the National Labor Relations Board and any possible--”

“How long have you been studying for the bar exam, Ashton?”

“Two months.”

“How much sleep have you gotten?”

“Two hours last week, I think.”

“What have you been drinking?”

“Coffee and red bull.”

“What have you been eating?”

“Coffee and red bull.”

“What are you wearing?”

“My underpants.”

“Do you think I understand English?”

“Well… you look at me like you do…”

“I’m not interested in what I look like.  Do you think I have even a passing grasp of the English language, spoken fluently?”

“Umm… no, I guess.”

“And why is that, do you suppose?”

“Because you’re my ex-wife’s dog?”

“Yes, Ashton.  And it’s raining, it’s midnight, and you’re in her backyard.  Again.”

“Think she minds?  You’re a good listener.”

“Mind if I lick myself while you prattle on?”

“By all means.  Just let me know if you hear the sirens again.  Also, did you know there’s a good case against Wonka on an attractive nuisance theory?  In fact…”