This Illusion

There were a few shards of sun left over
In the church parking lot
Where I used to walk--
Where the grass snuggled up
Against the curb
And the shadows moved like
Cross-shaped sunset messengers.

I used to think about you
During those times of
Natural, flickering beauty
Between silhouettes of cherry leaves
And the silence of pavement light.

You were a yearned-for presence
That stirred the dirt under my feet
When I whirled, on a whim,
And danced ballroom style with you
As my schoolbag slapped my shoulder
And the Holy Spirit peeked through
A darkened church window.
My desires were written so clearly
In the church parking lot
Till the sun took them away at dusk
To the world's underside.

There were only tarmac shadows
The day you told me you loved me.
I floated high, distant from that place
Where I'd danced on a wave of fancy.
The cross was tiny like a fallen crow--
Then it was nowhere to be seen.

I am not a religious person
But I return to the church parking lot
To catch glass-blown pieces of sun
In my delicate eyes.

I will blind myself to your love
So I may wander there again,
Oblivious.