Depression & Guilt after loss of mom

The death of my mom has been the hardest thing I've had to endure in my entire life. Her death was unexpected. She passed away right before her 59th birthday. Due to her behavior that day, I stayed the night with her: falling asleep constantly, incoherent, eyes were dilated. I felt in my heart that she had taken an overdose of different medications.

When I tried to get her to let me take her to the ER, or call an ambulance she would not let me. She told me she was just tired and it was time for her to go to sleep, to rest. Now, as I think back on that night, I have a feeling she knew she was going to pass and just wanted to go at home, not in the hospital.

That night I fell asleep about 2:00am. The next morning I woke up at 7:00am to get ready for work. The first thing I did was go into her bedroom to check on her. That's when I found her. She was in the same position as she had been when she lied down at 8:00pm the night before. Try as I may, I could not wake her. At that moment I started to scream and cry. My daughter, who had also stayed the night, came running into the room. She already knew what happened because of my cries out for help.

Right after that moment, the chaos started: Police and EMTs were every where, family members, my co-workers and a preacher were all coming in and out of her apartment, trying to console me. I was lost in a trance. I vaguely remember kneeling beside her bed, holding her, screaming to God that if He was able to raise Lazarus from the dead, He could also do the same for my mom. I then fell backwards. I know this happened because my husband and daughter were in the room when I did it and later told me what I'd done.

My sister and dad both drive big rigs cross country. I had to call them and break the news to them over the phone. It was so hard to do it that way, knowing they would have to find a way to get themselves back safely for the funeral.

I feel so guilty, thinking I am the cause of my mom's death; not getting her to the ER or calling an ambulance. I took it upon myself to do her hair and makeup for the funeral. There are other issues that will always make me feel guilty about her sudden death, but I cannot bring those issues out yet. The Lord and I know what occurred prior to her death, and when it comes time to expose what happened, then the Lord will lead me to do the right thing, He will provide me with the words to say.

This loss has put me so far into depression that I do not want to do anything. My mom passed away at the end of September. At that time I was working in our town hospital. I tried to go on because, aside from my daughter, my work was the only thing getting me out of bed to do something with my life. In December, thirty minutes after our office Christmas party, the human resource department fired me. Talk about a slap further into depression. I was doing my work, going in everyday, and they still fire me. I could not help how my depression, over losing my mom, was lasting longer than they thought it should. The medicine the doctor had me on was finally starting to pull me out of my depression. I dedicated 2 1/2 years of my life to that hospital and they discharge me during a major crisis in my life. I fell deeper into depression

I tried to work at another job for a couple of months, but that job did not work out. It did not have anything to do with my depression, it had to do with the bosses wife and my co-worker conspiring against me. Also, the gas prices were too high to drive forty miles one way, eighty miles round trip. It just didn't work out for me.

Now I'm back in my depression slump. I can't hardly get out of bed in the mornings. I feel guilty living when my mom cannot. And I do know that she would not want me doing this to myself. I try to pull out of it, but I can't seem to.

I have to take it one day at a time and eventually the Lord with help me replace the guilt of my mom's death with loving memories of her in my heart. He will give me strength to go on.

God Bless!