Heaven and Hell - Meet the Waves!

         Once upon this time lived two twins who were identical in looks, but complete opposites in personality. May and Amy were their names. May was simple, she enjoyed any and everything she did, every moment of life was perfect in her eyes; Amy was complex, she was always jealous of others and the items they possessed, to her, life was boring and she had no desire to do anything to make it any better. May enjoyed sitting with close friends and talking of the future and past memories; Amy enjoyed going places to get as much attention as she could gather. May was in all advanced classes, school was a simple task to her; Amy barely showed up to her average classes and would beg May to do her homework to make sure she would pass. May was pleased with the simple items of life, books, Clarence movies, small novelty items, and simple electronics to get her by; Amy demanded the best of the best, Her computer had to be the best, her digital camera had to be high quality, her cell phone had to be the latest, and her MP3 player had to be top of the line. But lastly and most important, May treated everyone as equals, no one was better or worse than her; Amy felt superior to many, if they were not as beautiful as her or did not have a social standing as high as her, they were just nobody's that did not deserve to be in her presence.

         One tragic day Amy and May were driving home from school, Amy was chatting away on her cell phone and wasn't paying attention to the red light she ran and they were nailed by two cars; Killing Amy and May instantly, their 17 years on earth ended in a split second. But instead of mourning their deaths, we are here to hear the beginning of a new story, the story of their lives - after death.

         May walked through the electric doors into the large building that was in the theme of white and blue. She understood she was deceased but she had no idea where she was, was this Heaven? Hell? She looked around for a moment and ten feet ahead of her stood an obese teenage girl with multi-colored hair, torn up pants, a large assortment of bracelets, and a faded 'Pink Floyd' shirt that had a blue vest over it with a name-tag that read 'Archie'. She signaled to May to come closer; May hesitated for a moment but walked towards the girl so she not think of her rude.
"Where am I?" May questioned
"Welcome to Wal-Mart! How may I assist you?" Archie spoke in a chipper voice with a smile.
"Wal-Mart? Why am I in Wal-Mart?"
"Well you see, my wave and I thought long and hard of what would best represent Heaven and Hell, and we both fully supported the idea of Wal-Mart being Heaven. It's a place where everything is perfect in every way!"
May pondered for a moment and let out a gasp
"So YOUR GOD???" Her voice full of shock. Archie let out a little chuckle
"Well, Co-GOD, My wave and I share the position." May felt confused by this response.
"Your wave? But I thought their was only one GOD, and it was a...well, HE."
"My wave is my best friend and Co-GOD, she and I have always worked together, and we put in all the bibles that GOD was a 'he' for shits and giggles, we never really expected religion to actually become a big thing, but oh well. Now just relax your mind for awhile. Let me give you a tour of Wal-Mart and I'll answer any more questions you have at the end of the tour." Archie spoke in a very friendly manner, soothing May but still leaving her in utter confusion, but she did not question anymore, she did not want to come off as stupid to GOD...or Co-GOD as Archie had called herself.

         Archie slowly began to walk, May stood by her side and looked around aimlessly at all the unusual things she was in the presence of. She saw many other people roaming about, all of which waved to her and Archie, to not be rude, May would wave back every time. Archie pointed out a few sections, the food section was first, all the foods were completely fresh with affordable prices above them, why everything was priced she had no idea. Near the food section was the clothing area, Every size and brand-name known to man was there, neatly on their racks, with large extravagant dressing rooms. Past that was the toy section, every toy ever invented was there, from 'Jenga' to 'Moon-Shoes'.
"The toy section is one of the most popular sections, everyone loves toys!" Archie spoke out with glee.
Archie continued to point out the items in the sections around her, The shoe section, Jewelry section, Liquor section, Home appliances section, and everything between till she squealed out in joy.
"ELECTRONICS!" Archie grabbed onto May's hand and made her run with her to the large area.
"This is personally my favorite area! Cameras of every kind, Every movie ever made and many that will be made in the future, every type of player known to man, and the best computers, and every little great thing my wave and I have graced the earth with!" May smiled at Archie, she liked her much more than the fictional 'GOD' that Archie and her 'Wave' had made up.
May looked around for a moment till she saw a never ending pit with people happily swimming within it.
"What is in there?" May asked
"That’s the 5.50 bin, every movie ever made is 5.50, Doesn't matter how great the movie is or not, it's only 5.50 each." Archie responded as she happily waved to all the people swimming around the bin.
"But why not organize them so people can just pick up the movies and go on their way?"
"Simple, to just pick a movie up isn't fun, the bin is always fun, you can jump in and dig and dig and find movies that you never knew you wanted till you lay your eyes on it. Every Sunday I jump in myself and fine new neat movies for my own personal collection, as a thanks to myself for having such a great idea." Archie began to walk once more till she stood in the heart of the electronics,

"Now that was the tour for the most part, it's best to not show the entire store on the tour, so then the newbies can find things on their own, like their own personal missions. Also, we have every fast food chain in the world up here, all with very affordable prices. Plus you don't need to fear becoming fat or having some sort of heart problems, you will forever be perfectly heathy, no matter how much you drink, smoke, eat, have sex; It truly is heaven. Now I will answer your questions, throw them at me May-Bay!"
May thought for a moment,
"How do I pay for all the things I want to buy? I don't have any money." Archie slapped her forehead
"Oh yeah! I was supposed to tell you at the entrance. When you die I calculate how much your life was worth, I added up all the nice things you've done or said, how old you were at your death, and just overall how much you deserve, according to my calculations you are worth-" Archie paused for a moment and pulled a crumbled piece of paper out of her pocket and looked at the number,
"Ninety-Four Million, Three hundred thousand sixty-four hundred...and thirty-nine cents." May was dumbfounded by the number, That’s more than she'd ever use in a thousand lives.
"Where do I live and keep all the stuff I buy?"
"Over near the camping area we have millions of tents, you will know which one is yours when you go over there, when you go into the tent, it will become your ideal home, it could be a mansion looking over acres of field that is also yours to do as you wish, it could be a penthouse over looking a beautiful city, it could even be a simple suburban home with a cute little backyard with a pool. It's whatever you wish it to be." May was enjoying the sound of this place more every moment.
"Do I ever get to meet your 'Wave'?"
"Maybe someday. I take care of Wal-Mart, and she takes care of the other place. But her and I share an apartment together outside of both places, on the occasion she will roam around Wal-Mart to buy her own stuff, she doesn't shop at the other place, she just rules it."
"Wait, so she stays in Hell? What is Hell then? Wouldn't that make her Satan?"
"She chose to take care of the other place, and I can't tell you what the other place is, you will find out in due time from other W-Mers. Also, she is not Satan, Satan is another person we made up just to see how many people would really believe in it. We are Assholes like that, it's how we do." Archie paused and looked at her non-pod named Charlie that was in her pocket for the time,
"I have enough time to answer one more question, I have to go play Chess with Terri Schiavo, the bitch demanded a re-battle, when will she ever learn?" May thought for a moment for a good question, but the only one that would pop in her mind was,
"Where is my sister?"
"She is in the other place, she had a bad core so she did not deserve to come here, but you can call her any time you want, that is if she can afford a phone. But I must leave you now, I'll see you around May, and maybe on Sunday you and I can go shopping together!" Archie smiled
"That would be great, it truly was a pleasure to meet you GOD-"
"Please, just call me Archie, I don't like being called GOD, it just feels too weird."
"Well, then it was great meeting you...Archie, and I look forward to shopping with you on Sunday!" May smiled and waved goodbye to Archie as she rushed off to the toy section to meet up with Terri.

         Amy pushed the door to the building open, Everything was in the theme of Red, her most hated color. Amy knew she was dead, but did not know where she was. She looked ahead of her and saw a teenage girl in torn jeans with Honey-Blonde hair standing there, she had squinted eyes and wore a red shirt with a name tag that read 'The Vickkki', The girl inwardly laughed at Amy and smiled,
"Welcome to Target nukka!' Amy looked at this 'Vickkki' girl confused, what was she talking about? Target?
"Your full of questions I'm sure, well, TOO BAD HOE! I'm here to give you a tour of Target, where all the bad people go after death."
"You mean...this is HELL?" Amy said in a shocked manner.
"No shit buddy, Target is the closest thing to hell, bet you wished you were a better person now don't ya? Now lets roll honkey, we have little to cover in much time. Also don't try any shit with me, I'm Co-GOD after all, my wave and I both decided you didn't deserve to go to Wal-Mart. So if you back talk me or even make me feel bored, I can make your eternity stay in Target even worse than it's supposed to be, The wave gave me permission to do as I please with you biotches." The Vickkki let out another laugh and began to walk. Amy stood still in shock near the doors.
"But...I'm not a bad person, I'm really not, I don't deserve to be here!" The Vickkki scoffed at this comment.
"You all say the same thing, 'Oh, I'm a good person, I shouldn't have to be here! I only fucked that sheep once!' Say all you want but the wave and I watch everyone on earth, and we know who's good and who's not, we's like fuckin' Santa! We know everything, including that one time you gave a handy to your science teacher for a passing grade in 9th grade, fuckin' hoe! Now either walk with me or I'll set your hair on fire." Amy did not want to anger this girl any more, so she hastily walked beside her.
"What do you think your doing buddy? You get behind me, you don't deserve to stand next to me, just like how you wouldn't let your sister stand next to you at that one kegger you made her go to just so she could play D.D for yo drunk ass." Amy's eyes widened to that comment
"Are you Satan?"
"Are you dense? I already said I'm Co-GOD, Satan is just a person the wave and I made up for shits and giggles. I run Target, she runs Wal-Mart, I'm the bigger A-hole than her so I willingly took Target just so I can fuck with you sinning bastards! now, LETS ROLL!" Amy took a few steps back to stand behind The Vickkki and began to walk with her.
         The Target was small and over crowded with people who looked miserable, the only smiling face in the entire store was The Vickkki as she looked at the sad people and let out little laughs when they would cower away from her. The Vickkki pointed out the areas, The clothes area only had ratty, ugly looking clothes that went up to a maximum size of 'Medium' that were priced in the thousands. The toy section had few items, none worth the money that was being asked for it. The food section was fairly large but all the foods were rotted and expired with high marks for prices. All the minor appliances were marked in hundred thousands, the most up to date item being a rotary phone for two hundred-fifty thousand.
"Why is everything so much money?" Amy asked finally as they made their way to the sporting goods.
"Because it's TARGET! Man, You have to be one of the most we-tad-ed people I've ever given this tour to, and believe me, most of them have been completely stupid-o."
"But how do I buy any of this stuff?"
"Ah yes, I knew that question was bound to come around. My wave and I calculate how much your life is worth and that’s how much you get after your death, you my dear little friend are worth-" The Vickkki pulled out a small scrap of paper,
"Yup, your worth ten thousand dollars exactly. You only are worth that much because the car crash you created was pretty 'Effin SA-weeet."
"But that can barely get me an outfit! How am I supposed to live on so little money?"
"Well, you can either work hard labor cleaning up for a whole whoppin' dollar an hour, or pull tricks with the other sinners for their money. But here is yo warnin' most of them have badass STD's, AIDS does not exist here, but herpes sure as hell does. So you have fun with that buddy."
         The Vickkki continued to show Amy around, their last area to hit was electronics, the worst area in the place. The computers were old and broken, the movies were priced in the thousands, The only MP3 players were Ipods that were priced in the millions and the whole section smelt of urine.
"This is the end of the tour you Nukka-Cooont, or N-C fo' short. Have any more questions you best ask them now, I'm late for a date to piss all over the produce section and smear my sh-iot all over the dressing rooms." Amy suppressed her urge to vomit.
"Where do I live?"
"Over in the Camping area we have a few hundred tents, when you go into the tent you will be in a small apartment you will be sharing with a few dozen others, Bathrooms are not included and you will all have to fight over the mandatary four beds in each apartment. If you and your room mates get along whatever, if you don't, I don't give a shit." The Vickkki let out a large laugh when she thought of Amy having to fight an obese man for one of the twin sized beds and getting raped in the process.
"Tears." The Vickkki stated as she wiped her eyes after the long laugh.
"But, what do I do all day with no money to buy anything?"
"Do whatever you want. But if you walk out of the store you fall into a pit of fire and will be crispier than chicken. So enjoy your stay in Target. I'll be leaving you now! Bye nukka!" Amy grabbed onto The Vickkki's hand as she began to walk away.
"Wait! If you’re the bad GOD, do I ever get to meet the good GOD? Will she allow me to ever go to 'Wal-Mart?" Vickkki let out a sigh,
"My wave visits on the occasion, sometimes she feels bad for you guys and will pick one or two people who have learned their lession and allows them to come to Wal-Mart, but it's very rare for people who haven't been here for a few thousand years. But on a good day, she will allow a handful of Target people to come up to Wal-Mart for a few hours to buy anything they'd like for affordable prices or see family that were not bad cores such as yo-self."
"What about May? Is she up there?"
"Of course she is, and let me tell you, she is having a blast. But now I must really go. lata fo realze's nizzle!" With that last comment The Vickkki began to skip to the other side of the store, leaving Amy standing alone in a crowd of miserable strangers.

         "OH MAN! What a fun day!" The Vickkki shouted out as she walked into the large colorful apartment, She looked over to the couch and saw Archie relaxing watching humans on the TV, smoking a joint to relax.
"Tell me about it, I had a fabulous day today! I beat Terri at chess again, she's finally accepted I'm a better player than her." Archie spoke as smoke oozed out of her mouth.
"Awesomeness dude, so what is on the agenda tonight my wave buddy?" The Vickkki spoke as she plopped down on the couch next to Archie.
"Wanna get drunk and watch Stephen Lynch take a shower?" Archie asked as she put the joint out and lit a cigarette.
"HECK YES! I'll get the-" Archie interrupted her,
"The Vodka?"
"For shizzle! Wavin' it to ya!"
"Waving it back my friend!"
As The Vickkki walked to the kitchen to get the Vodka out of the freezer Archie put it on Stephen's channel.
"It's good to be Co-God." Archie smiled as she stared intently at the TV.
"It is!" The Vickkki responded as she sat back on the couch with the cold new bottle of Vodka.