The Curious Death of Cats

The Curious Disappearance of Cats


Monty and Archer are sat side by side on the back porch of their home town in Fairfax County
It is sunset and they are communing together under the gazebo, drinking sherry from rather expensive Loch agar sherry glasses.
They are drunk.


Monty Well, I personally don’t see what all the fuss is about. I'm not really a cat sort of cat. In fact, I am borderline hatful of all things feline. I would rather mourn an ant, a spider or even a goldfish, than a cat! But I am- in fact, a cat, and after the sudden disappearance of cats on our street I am beginning to think we should do something about it.

Archer I’m inclined to agree my dear Monty, and may I just say that I’m greatly mystified by the whole matter.


Archer Finishes his sherry.


Monty Us County Cats! The crème de la crème, smart set four hundred upper echelon of the English Cat, being reduced to the ghastly condition of a stray. I hate the word, seriously. Every time somebody says it, it makes me want to disgorge. It just sounds so..so..so..beastly. I am absolutely appalled with the label even being even related to the upper class domestic cat. Strays that poop in our teensy-yard, strays that poop in everyone's teensy yards. The swines!

Archer Here here!

Monty My guessing is that in one street we have lost victim nearly two dozen to the doomed, impecunious circumstance of a stray. I would have called some sort of authority by now, but I have instead decided to solve the mystery myself.

Archer Starts to pour another glass of Sherry.


Monty The nature of beast my fluffy friend is what we need to conceive. I believe we have a serial catnapper on our hands.

Archer What villain dare be held responsible for this fearful act of piracy. I find this most intriguing of all! I suggest a sleep out. Catch the critter red handed!

Monty Identifying the cause might lead in the direction of one of the suspects more than another, once you have narrowed things down to a principal suspect. Never mind a sleep out. You need to have a stake out, with video camera at the ready. Do you suspect that an individual be responsible for this strange and freaky incident.

Archer Our neighbour, Mrs De Vos, who is currently a nervous wreck over the whole matter, might just be bluffing -- They do, after all, congregate on her front yard, under her Bentley and on the front steps. Her yard is very well-manicured and her entire extended family was up in arms today questioning me among other neighbours. It seems a little fishy, don't you think? Her perfectly manicured yard going to hell with empty litter box?
Either that or I am a witch! I have said more than once, "Darn stray cats! Why don't you die already!" Maybe I accidentally killed them with my oh-so-secret-I-don't-know-about-them-powers. Now I will experiment with certain violent thoughts about certain U.S. leaders.


Monty Perhaps Monty, we should observe the nudist who lives behind us. She was a former cat lady whose collection got out of control -- She's notorious for picking up the newspaper naked in the mornings and has one of those houses that reek of patchouli and cheap scented candles. She keeps the doors open for some reason and is easy to spy on. She has recently gone from cat person to dog person and is perhaps replacing the cats with, well, dead cats. She also lives directly behind Mrs De Vos. Coincidence?


Monty This sudden disappearance of cats is beginning to become rather curious indeed. Come Archer, It is our solemn duty as well-thought-of cats to get to the bottom of this puzzlement, starting immediately! What say you we head down to the new swanky joint up town and poke our noses around. To think of the name? Smokey Joe’s Wine bar. Then we can establish some semblance of lead. Make sure you bring the rest of that Sherry, oh and I also have a bottle 1931 Quinta do Noval stashed away in the pantry. Shall I fetch it for the journey?

Archer Naturally.



After a short time, Archer and Monty reach the end of the street where they meet Rover
(a bloodhound)





Monty What a keen sense of irony they have naming you Rover, and leaving you tied up in the back garden.

Rover What is it that you want Monty you drunken fool! I’ve had the most horrible day. My ball rolled under the sofa, then my water dish was too warm and then the squeaker broke on my rubber pork chop. I’m feeling rather stressed out.

Monty Stumbling closer to Rovers snout.

Monty I sir! Am most positively not drunk! As a matter a fact me and my associate here are on a imperative mission to track down a serial catnapper.

Rover Laughs

Rover A cat serial killer! What halfwit twerp would want to take hostage, above all, a cat! Preposterous!

Archer I assure you Rover, there is a great evil at work here that could lead us more respectable cats, to fall victim to the foul act of some loony!

Rover Well Well Monty. I never think I’d see the day that you take to such nonsense. Fortunately you’re less of an ignoramus in your better state. Next you’ll be saying that there’s a suicidal cat cult at large!

Archer By Jove! Why didn’t I think of that! It’s brilliant!

Monty A suicidal cat cult, with its vicious regime of catnap and torture. I say Archer, this cat business is getting more and more exciting by the minute.

Monty Takes a large gulp from the wine bottle

Monty It seems that our fellow cats are falling victim to not one, but a gang of evil, sadistic cats. It is imperative that we find such vile scum and put a stop to this madness.

Rover Do you think it wise to pursue such a delirious set of assumptions? I mean, is there common factors leading you to believe that there is a cat cult at large?

Archer Why, Rover you seem rather despondent tonight.

Rover Loosing patience

Archer Loosing his balance

Archer I think Monty, that Rover is hiding something from us.

Monty How awfully concerning Archer. Our trusty K9 companion, hiding pressing information from us! Do reveal all Rover, I simply must know!

Archer Yes, yes your guesswork with the cat cult seems rather curious for a dog! Which are, lets say, not the most perspicacious of vertebrates.

Rover Now see here cat! I’ll be doing no more guesswork on your behalf. The reason for this sudden disappearance of cats-seems to me- to be beyond you and I
Monty Rubs his paws together in excitement and drinks some more wine

Monty How absolutely titillating!

Archer Yes, this is all very thrilling stuff Rover, do go on!

Rover My belief that if there was a cat cult loose in our town, it would be nothing of great concern. Just another one of you haywire cats believing it has some semblance of control in the real world. This cat cult, where ever it may be, are bunch of unwashed maniacal hangers!

Archer Stands up

Archer How dare you insult us cats ! Tell me the secret location! I know you know, I can see is in your face. Look Monty, look at the face. The swine! We have ways of making your talk my fluffy friend. Prepare to be patted the wrong way.

Rover turns his nose up and laughs.

Rover Damn cats. You’ll never learn!

Monty Come Archer, lets leave this crude mongrel to his doings. We must find the location of the cat hideout and infiltrate it! Come, time is of the essence!



9:03pm, Update: Today has been a slow day on the case. Archer and I strolled the streets for several hours but no suspicious behaviour was seen or overheard. Our trusty dog, Rover hadn’t smelt anything fishy and the street was as quiet as a mouse. In fact, not a single cat was seen. Perhaps they decided to hide out? Either that or it is indeed what Rover had called the cat-cult. Why is it that these damn suicidal cults follow me around? This is my current theory but it could all change by the morning.




Monty Archer we’ve run out wine, and we certainly must procure some more within the hour.

Archer By golly my old chum, you are indeed right!

Monty Look over there.

Archer Where?

Monty The house across the street, the one with lights in yonder window.

Monty Takes a closer look

Monty Wait a minute. Those aren’t lights, I do believe they are candles. Do you know what this mean?

Archer What?

Monty A dinner party!

Archer What a bloody good stroke of luck old boy! We will most certaintly be able to procure some wine there.

Monty But how the devil does one grain access to such a function.

Archer I know. We will feign affection for food, and when their not looking we’ll embezzle all the wine and make a dash for it!

Monty Just spiffing Monty! Splendid!


Monty and Archer stumble up to the front door the house and start to call out. The front door opens.



Women Ahhh how lovely a couple of stray pussy cats.

Monty How dare you wretched primate! I am a most distinguished gentlemen and I demand an immediate apology and a plate of you finest cuisine for me and my associate.

Women Here kitty, kitty, kitty. Aren’t you the sweetest thing.

They walk in to the parlour.

Archer Now, if you would be so kind to show us to your dining room.

Women You two little kitty cats look hungry.

Monty Yes, well what the devil are you waiting for you ghastly homo sapien. Skoot!

Women You stay right here my little cherubs, I’ll be right back.

Monty and Archer move in to the dining room


Monty Look Archer, the wine! Quickly you get the wine while I keep the common people sweet.


Archer jumps on to the dining room table and grabs the wine. Monty moves in to the kitchen. On the side board of the kitchen is a Caribbean pepper pot with Chicken and Shrimp. The woman places a bowl of canned cat food in front of Monty.

Monty I notice a small disparity between our chicken and shrimp dinners.

Woman You eat that right up now kitty and then we’ll give you and your friend a nice long bath

Monty Archer! We’re leaving

Archer calls for the dining room

Archer In here Monty, there’s a open window we can escape from.

The Woman husband walks into the kitchen
Monty stops in his track when he overhears the woman husband talking to her


Husband I say, have you seen Boris recently ?

Woman Not since yesterday. He seems to have wandered off. I awfully worried.

Husband Damn cats, always meddling with things their not supposed to.

Women Apparently my mother said she saw him round by the dock yard just wandering around, perhaps he got lost.

Monty By gosh old boy, I do believe I’ve cracked it!


Archer and Monty round the corner, consuming the last of stolen wine and dispose of it over a wall. They approach the Swanky Bar. They are very drunk.

Archer You s..s..simply tell me where the cats ar..r..re hiding out! I’m ever so curious.

Monty You know Archer, I…uh.. I don’t believe I’ve ever told you this, but you’re a mighty fine cat!

Archer My dear Monty! That is indeeeed a compliment coming from a fine accomplished cat, such as yourself

Monty The hide out my fluffy feline was under our nosssssses all along!

Archer Bloody hell! This is awfully exciting Monty. I can h..h..hardly contain myself. Do tell!


Monty My dear Archer, the cat hide out is on the old abandoned dock yard, right opposite the Smokey Joe’sssss Wine Bar. Our cat instincts never fail to point us in the right direction.

They walk into the bar.


Monty Landlord, I will have a bottle of champagne, two glasses and add it to my sssslate!

Smokey Joe You two cats celebrating this evening?

Archer Yes my dear fellow! We have solved the mystery of the cats! We know where the cat cult are hiding out, and, and, and we plan to infiltrate it, after me and this....

Looks at Monty

Archer Fine cat sort of cat polish off this bottle of bubbly.

Smokey Joe Cat cult you say ?

Monty The bastards! They’ll never get away with this why were still standing on four paws

Monty Falls off his stool

Archer Laughs

Smokey Joe Sighs

Smokey Joe You upper class cats never learn

Monty gets up off the floor

Monty You damn old foooooool! Now give me large brandy! No, make it a house double! House doubles for all you cats here tonight!

Archer And good times

Monty stand on a table and speaks to the whole bar


Monty My fellow cats, tonight is the night. Me and my good friend and companion, Archer, will track down the sadistic members of the cat cult that has swept this town with a unmerciful grasp. Where have all the cats gone?

Archer Here here!

The bar full of cats looks at Monty and laughs



Smokey Joe You damn drunks, what the devil are you talking about. Missing cats! Are you blind as well as stupid! Look around you.

Monty Don’t contradict me you washed up rummy. I am a highly respected member of society

Monty stubbles closer to the bar.

Monty Now give me another large brandy on the rocks. We have a long night ahead of us.

Smokey Joe Well if you think all the cats have disappeared were the hell have they disappeared to?

Archer I thought you’d never ask!

Monty The dock yard! Just opposite this very establishment

Smokey Joe I wouldn’t venture to those parts. Dangerous place for two cats. Especially in your state.

Archer Don’t be a damn fool we’ll be fine. Besides there is cats out there that’s need our help.

Monty Exactly!

Smokey Joe Laughs

Smokey Joe Foolish Cats, you shouldn’t be so damn curious, it will get you in to trouble on of these days.

Monty and Archer How dare you!

Pause. Monty and Archer look shocked


Monty How dare you accuse us of being to curious. Us cats never meddle in things that don’t concern us.

Monty and Archer get up and head for the door .

Smokey Joe Well don’t say I didn’t warn you


Monty and Archer are stood outside looking at the dock yard

Monty I say Archer this cat business has become very curious

Archer I concur, very curious indeed


Monty and Archer head towards the dock yard, and incidentally never heard from again.