Fashion Failures

Fashion Failures

         Ever since I was young, I have always tried to keep up with the latest fashions. I would pour over the pages of magazines like Vogue and Cosmo-aka the Bible-and drool, reveling in the excitement of the latest clothes, colors, and styles. And, of course, the supermodels themselves.
         The early 90’s (that’s 1990’s, you twit! I’m not that old!) was the supreme time for high fashion, high hair, and high heels. Supermodels were everywhere. You couldn’t go anywhere without seeing the crème de la crème gracing the covers of almost every magazine. They made headlines in newspapers and tabloids. They displayed haute couture across billboards, magazines, and TV shows with style and ease. These women, and a small handful of men, were the envy of everyone. They had perfect hair, flawless makeup, and eat-your-heart-out bodies. The supermodel fever was at its pitch when the self-proclaimed Supermodel of the World herself, RuPaul, had a hit song entitled, what else, Supermodel.
         Sadly, gone are the days of uber-supermodels. High fashion still abounds, though, and it seems almost every celebrity out there has his or her own clothing line. Now, instead of Melissa and Joan Rivers heckling celebrities wearing Prada and Wang, they can heckle the celebrities wearing their own creations, which most of these egocentric people deserve.
         I know there are plenty of people out there who don’t care one bit about fashion and that is fine. I’m more worried, though, about the people who don’t seem to have a mirror anywhere near their house. We have all seen these people, men and women, walking around, acting like they actually look good and meant to step out of their house that way. The polite thing to do is put them in a fashion looney bin and help them get rehabilitated. The humane thing to do is shoot them on sight, putting them out of our misery for having to look at them.
         There is a beauty trend I have noticed among old ladies that’s becoming fashionable. They are no longer coloring their hair. They are now bleaching their faces. Apparently someone forgot to tell them the Victorian age is over and that taking beauty tips from Michael Jackson is a bad idea. I saw quite a few of them gathered for the Fourth of July fireworks last year. Their faces radioactively glowed from the fluorescent street lights. When the fireworks started going off, their faces turned into strobe lights, techno music started playing, and teens started rave dancing in front of them. Perhaps these old ladies could be money-savers at dance clubs.
         One fashion trend that has come back to haunt us is guys, mostly teenagers, wearing their pants so far down that they have to walk like they’re constipated to try to keep them up. Most of them have belts on, but it seems it’s there more for a visual accessory than a practical one. Nobody wants to see their crusty, old underwear, yet they think they look cool. I think I have figured out why they wear their pants down so low like they do, though. Girls have training bras. These guys are using their pants as a training/practice cock ring for when they actually hit puberty, sprout hair in their naughty place, and perchance, grow balls. I have seen the few stragglers of this fashion trend from the first time around throughout the years, and it’s these few who probably started this trend back up again. What the guys today don’t know is that this trend went out in 1995 and it should have stayed as outdated as that year sounds. I think it’s sexy, and visually appropriate, for maybe an inch of underwear to be seen above the beltline of pants, and should be seen only when a guy stretches or bends over. Although I do think I have come up with the solution to ending this fashion ick forever-I’ll wear my pants like that. Once these guys see a 30-year-old with ass-fat oozing out over the top of his pants, they’ll quickly pull their pants up so high, it’ll result in an Urkle-like fashion epidemic.