A Modern Vampire

My life as a vampire has been…shall we say…interesting. I have lived hundreds of years on this earth or shall I say…died. Just some simple vampiric humor. As I have been around for a long time, it is only customary for one to develop a sense of humor even if you’re dead. When one looses one talent such as breathing other skills arise. *laughs heartedly* My existence has been long yet simple but not so simple. Eternal life is very complicated for a vampire. Existing is a lot easier in this day and age than it was hundreds of years ago. I mean Witch hunts are things of the past. Vampires do not have to worry about Wolf bane or Holy water or Garlic so much anymore. I always thought that humans have completely screwed up the view on vampires. *Rolls his eyes* We are always depicted as blood-sucking night stalkers who have no feelings and remorse. That is completely not true. I have remorse. And the worst thing that I carry is Guilt. I get really tickled by people who ask me all kinds of questions: Do I like crucifixes? Is there a Count Dracula? How can you kill a vampire? Etcetera…etcetera…etcetera. You know it really sickens me to know that humans have started basing their beliefs off of movies. I mean come on?! And I thought I was crazy for going to Lucrisha Borsha’s wine and anthrax party. It was pretty good. Lots of cheese and wine to go around…uuhhemm..sorry lost my train of thought. *begs you for forgiveness* What was I talking about? Oh, yes, movies. Don’t get me wrong I love them. It is wonderful to see a sunrise that I cannot see with my own eyes. But people have started believing in these movies. I told them that most things heard about Vampires are false. There is no Count Dracula or werewolves in Transylvania…I would know…I’ve looked. * Walks around doing his impression of Dracula* I happen to be quite fond of crucifixes and I am afraid to say that I do go to church on Sundays. I guess I am trying to make up for the last hundreds of years of sins. *Grins evilly* Coffins. I am afraid are not really a necessity but it helps. It's lid can protect you from sunlight. Of course very heavy dark drapes work to, but I don’t recommend it. A buddy of mine was sleeping in his dark draped room and the maid came in and opened the windows. It was not a pretty sight. *Shivers coldly* Let me see what are the other myths…ummm…stake through the heart, doesn’t work. You most likely will not be able to get close enough to even get a try. Unlike the movie Dracula were he just laid there while getting a stake through his heart, we are pretty light sleepers. Me, I tend to snore a little and drool on my pillow…but hey, that’s me. *Blushes* Well, let me see, uhhh…cutting off the head of vampires…ouch…it works for killing a vampire. But it is a really terrible way to kill a vampire. Another buddy of mine had his head cut off and now some guy named Petey Bob has his skull for a dashboard ornament. Scary image, huh? Wouldn’t want to see that happen to anyone. *Rubs his head cautiously* What else do you want to know? Sex?! I know what’s on your mind. *Gives you a playful wink* Yeah, vampires can have sex. Nothing like getting stiffed with the stiffs. *Laughs Hysterically* Man, *wipes tear from eye* I kill myself. Well, look I’ve got to go. Vampires to meet, people to feed upon. Look, if you want to talk later you know my email address. Be careful if you go out tonight. Eat you later. *Gives a small sinister laugh*

Sincerely, A modern Vampire