temptation scene from book

This is a scene from late in my book, when the protaganist, Jacquiline, is tempted to have an affair with her daughter's physical therapist.

//


Jacquiline had stopped listening. Luca continued talking for some time before he realised he no longer had an audience.
'Jacqui?' Silence met his enquiring tone. 'I know this stuff is hard to hear Jacqui, but in these situations, I honestly believe it is better to be informed than in the dark.'
Luca paused, waiting for any response. He slid his chair closer to Jacquiline and grasped her hands in his. His touch seemed to release something in Jacquiline and she lifted her head to meet his gaze. Tears brimmed in her pitifully sad eyes.
'Am I being punished? Is this my punishment for being a bad mother?' As she blinked, fat tears toppled over her lids and dropped on their hands.
'Oh Jacqui.' Luca seemed to deflate as he sympathetically exhaled. 'Only if you make it that way. I've seen many parents, both mothers and fathers, go through these emotions, blaming themselves, wishing it could be different, fighting the situation presented to them. The one constant truth I have learned from this is you will suffer for as long as you choose to suffer. If you decide to see this as a punishment for a life misspent, then I guarantee you will feel penalised for years to come. But Jacqui, there is another choice here. You can choose to see this as a second chance. This could be a reward for all the wonderful things you have done as a mother. Tessa didn't die, Jacqui. That is a reward. She is still here, she is still your daughter. How can that be a punishment?'
Jacquiline's tears were flowing freely now, but she held Luca's eyes intently. He shuffled in closer still.
'I didn't even know Tessa before this, and I can still see the spark in her. Jacqui, she is just luminous. I understand it must be hard for you because you can't help but compare her to what she used to be, but it is time to stop that now. She will never again be the child you knew. All the dreams you had of High School graduations, white weddings and grandkids are gone. Those dreams popped like a bubble the moment Tessa took a razor to her wrists. But they aren't the only dreams available here. There are infinite other possibilities in life Jacqui. Open your dreams up to some of those. Your daughter is still in there, I know it. A small part of her brain is irrevocably damaged. But so what, Jacqui? There is still so much more to her. Focus on that. Get to know your daughter again, in a totally new way. I promise you that if you can consciously see this as a new opportunity, rather than a lost one, you and your whole family will get through this so much easier. And wouldn't that be better than this, Jacqui?'
Jacquiline's tears were slowing. She broke eye contact for the first time since Luca began to speak, and looked down at their hands still tightly clasped between them. His words were sinking into her brain, swimming around and changing her thoughts. She knew every word he'd said was true, and she felt so grateful to have heard them. Sitting there in his colourful, little cube of an office she knew this was a watershed moment. Jacquiline would leave this room differently from when she walked in. Even with all the emotion flooding her body, Jacquiline still marvelled at how one speech could make such an impact. Luca had spoken the perfect words at the perfect time for her. He had known how to help her heal. Fleetingly she wondered how many mother's before her had been privy to Luca's impassioned speeches. She was shamed to feel jealousy.
Jacquiline tightened her grip on Luca's hands, forcing his body to lean into hers. She lifted her head again as his face came close enough for her to feel the warmth of his breath. Their eyes were again locked, but the sympathy and sadness had drifted back. It was a moment seemingly frozen in time. Jacquiline knew it was tenuous - words or even quick movement would shatter it. She was slowly tilting towards him, although her mind was speeding. What am I doing? Why would I do this? What is wrong with me? Oh god I want this!
Almost unconsciously their lips touched. Jacquiline felt a flutter of surprise to realise she was kissing him. She'd just been leaning in to him, fighting her urge, and all of a sudden his tongue was softly sliding along her bottom lip. And still they were staring into each other's eyes. Jacquiline felt a heat rising up through her body, causing her to squirm a little in her seat. She felt a desperation to be connected to this man before her. The anticipation of it was making her light headed. She closed her eyes, sinking further into the kiss.
Instantly she felt the atmosphere change. Luca hadn't pulled away, but his tongue was no longer exploring her mouth. Their lips were just pressing lifelessly against one another. Jacquiline opened her eyes and withdrew sharply. She was looking at him questioningly, too afraid to speak. Luca broke the silence with an awkward, forced cough.
'Jacqui, you are so desirable. I can't help but be attracted to you. You are just so beautiful. But I can't do this. Believe me, I want to. But I really can't. The last thing you need right now is more stress in your life. And trust me; I know from experience, a situation like this causes untold stress in you life. I don't want to be the cause of that for you. You are so sexy, so intriguing, so vulnerable. I want nothing more than to make love to you. But you don't need that right now Jacquiline. You need to go home to your husband and your children. You need them now. You don't need this.'
The tears were back. Jacquiline was nodding, crying, shaking.
'I'm so sorry' she managed to mutter between the sobs. She stood up, letting her hand rest on Luca's shoulder. She paused for a moment, letting the shame wash the last sensations of lust from her body. With no more words to say, Jacquiline left the office.

//

As she drove home, Jacquiline allowed herself to feel everything. She was amazed that so many emotions could be active in her all at once. She felt scandalous, humiliated, excited, shamed, remorseful, sexy, frightened, sad. Had she really just experienced that? Had she kissed another man? Not just any man, her daughter's therapist. Was she really that brazen? She wondered why she didn't feel more guilt. She tried to picture Sam, at home waiting for her, dutiful and loving. But his image was being blurred by Luca's. She felt the longing as she allowed her mind play the kiss over and over. Her muscles were contracting and relaxing rhythmically as she fantasised about where that kiss might have led. She was tempted to turn the car around and go back to find out, but she knew it was futile. Luca had made himself clear. Jacquiline acknowledged the fact that it was Luca's wishes stopping her. Not her own. She wanted nothing more than to go back and relive the moment, letting the inevitable unfold.
By now she was home though. Jacquiline pulled into the driveway and looked up at her house. Lights were shining through the curtains in the lounge room and she knew her family would be watching t.v. together. There was a lone light on upstairs in the computer room and Jacquiline guessed Derek was in there, chatting on line to his friends. She turned off the car and leaned back in her seat. With great effort she sighed and let all the desire wash out of her. Inhaling deeply, Jacquiline forced herself to feel differently. This was her home. Inside these walls were all the people in the world that truly mattered to her. She had built her life around these four people and it was a blessed life. She was loved here, no matter what she did. She was loved.
Jacquiline opened the car door as the front door opened and Sam's backlit frame filled the space. Her stomach gave a little lurch of guilt. She had betrayed this man who had spent the past 16 years supporting her, appreciating her, loving her.
'Watchya doin' out her love?' Oh God, his innocence was heartbreaking. Jacquiline walked slowly towards him, unsure of how to act. She'd never hidden anything from Sam, but she felt sure she should hide this. As she got closer, she saw his expression change to one of concern. 'Sweetheart, what's wrong? Did something happen? You look terrible.' Jacquiline glanced up alarmed. Was it written on her face? Could he see her infidelity? She reached out for him and buried her face in his chest, for no other reason than stop him looking into her eyes.
'Jacqui, what is it. Has something happened with your Dad? Sweetie, tell me what's happened.' He couldn't see anything. She'd gotten away with it. Jacquiline wasn't sure if she felt good about this or terrible. Why couldn't he see it? Shouldn't he be able to sense a change in her? She stopped herself short. She knew she was trying to project guilt on to him. As if it showed his lack of perception to not have guessed she'd just kissed another man. This wasn't Sam's fault. He trusted her implicitly, just as she'd trained him to do after years of testing him. He knew how serious she was about trust in their relationship and he'd learnt to never falter in it. Naturally he should expect the same from her. And now she'd broken it.
Sam gripped her shoulders and pulled back to look at her face. 'Jacqui, talk to me.'
'I'm fine Sam, it's just been a long day and I'm exhausted. Dad's is fine. I'm fine. It's all fine. I just want a glass of wine and bed. Okay, love.'
Sam smiled with relief. 'Your wish is my command love. Come on in and take a seat. I'll crack open a bottle.'

//

Two bottles of Verdelho later saw Sam and Jacquiline relaxing in the cool evening air of their bedroom balcony. Leaning back on the love seat, with her feet propped up on the timber railings, Jacquiline enjoyed the liquid warmth the wine created in her. She was watching the moonlight's rippled reflection on the pool below them, letting the memories it evoked float through her head. Images of kids bomb-diving over each other, squealing and laughing. Pool parties and endless games of Marco Polo. Family fun days, racing pool ponies up and down the water. Sam always let the kids win.
Then there were the night time memories. The ones Sam and Jacquiline made when the kids were having sleep overs at friend's houses. Sitting on the pool's steps sipping cocktails and talking. Deep, meaningful talking. Sam slipping into the water and floating up to her, all wet and sexy. He loved to seduce her in the pool, and he'd been so good at it. He'd be slow, deliberate and teasing. By the time he'd slide her bikini off she'd be desperate for him. Their whole evening would be a lead up to this moment and the excitement of it would be too much for Jacquiline, but Sam never let her rush in to it. Every sensation was an experience on it's own, one to be relished.
All those memories seemed so long ago now. Jacquiline felt as though she was remembering the life of a character in a movie she'd once loved. It hardly seemed possible that she'd lived that life. The place they were now was so different. She'd never again see her daughter enjoying the simple fun of pool games with her school friends. In fact they were going to have to take Tessa to swimming lessons before they could feel comfortable letting her near the pool again.
As for the nights with Sam, they'd long since faded. Sex had been relegated to the bed, and was functionary. They knew each other's bodies so well, there seemed no need to take the time to explore anymore. They just got the job done. Jacquiline has accepted this as part of the evolution of marriage. The passion can't last for ever, but as long as the comfort and trust is there, what does it matter?
And she was back to the trust. With the alcohol fuddling her brain, Jacquiline was tempted to confess her digression to her husband. Reaching over to rest her hand on his, she felt his automatic reaction to link his fingers through hers and lift her hand to kiss it. She looked over at his profile and was taken aback by the rush of emotion she felt for this man. He was so handsome in a warm, cosy way. Sort of ruffled and shaggy, yet so natural and masculine. He had been the strongest cornerstone of her life, never letting her down. He looked back at her and smiled contentedly and Jacquiline knew she wouldn't tell him. She couldn't bear to see disappointment and hurt in those eyes. She felt she was hurting enough for the both of them.
Yet again the tears were flowing. Sam didn't look concerned this time, he just seemed to understand. He slid over on the seat and put his arm around her, easing her head on to his shoulder. His head tilted over to rest on her hair and he breathed deeply. Jacquiline wept. Several minutes passed, the two of them the very picture of intimacy. Jacquiline at her worst and Sam consoling her lovingly.
'Thank you, Jacqui. I needed that.' Sam was squeezing her appreciatively. Jacquiline looked up at him surprised. 'You needed that? What do you mean?' she asked.
'I needed you to need me Jacqui. You've been so distant since Tessa...well...since the day Tessa hurt herself. I haven't known how to talk to you. You've been so angry and guilty and it's like you didn't want me near you. All I've wanted to do is be there for you, but I wasn't sure how to do it. Every time I try to help you just get mad at me or worse, mad at yourself. I want to be the man for you, Jacqui. I want you to lean on me, not push me away. We should be pulling each other closer right now. We should need each other. I felt like you didn't need me.'
His eyes were beseeching, waiting for her to open up to him. He was so vulnerable, so appealing, so desirable. Jacquiline put down her wine glass, stood up and reached down for him. Sam slipped his hands in hers and let himself be led to their bed. They lay down, side by side, and kissed tenderly. All Jacquiline's movements were slow and deliberate, as she undressed her husband. Her actions were gentle and affectionate, and she was enjoying it. She felt in control and sexy. Sam's smirk of anticipation assured her that he was enjoying it too. When they were both naked, Jacquiline lent back and admired her husband's body. He epitomised masculinity. His body had the solid, muscular look of hard work. Her eyes roamed over the matt of hair on his chest that thinned into a line leading down his taut abdomen, only to flare out again below it. The eagerness to rush was overwhelming her, but she restrained herself. She wanted to dote on him, to show how much she desired him. Lingeringly she traced her fingers down his body, watching his eyes mist over with pleasure. Jacquiline lifted her body over his and they moved in sync, small noises of rapture escaping their mouths. Their movements were languid, savouring the sensation. When at last the fervour overpowered them, Sam sat up to embrace Jacquiline as they came together. They kissed and stroked each other bodies as their heart rates eased back to normal. Jacquiline felt a release of tension far beyond her orgasm. She felt connected to her husband in a way she had not experienced in years. She brushed his hair back off his forehead and kissed the tip of his nose.
'I love you Sam. I love you even more today than ever before. And I do need you.'
Sam smiled and leant to rest his heat on Jacquiline's chest. 'Thank you Jacqui. I love you too.' He lay back on the pillows, pulling Jacquiline down with him. For the first time in what seemed to be way too long, they fell asleep in each other's arms.