The Eye of the Grand Atlantic

                             The Eye of the Grand Atlantic

Dramatis Personae:

Arsene -- A shining hero
Clarice -- The beauty of the wilderness
Lapel Pin -- Nothing too fancy, yet bold and impressive
Mussolini --The big man himself
The Professor -- Dignified and old, with an air of pure arrogance
The Handsome Nine -- An assortment of monkeys
The Voice -- Clear and Intimidating (offstage)
The Author --- Guess who!

         Scene 1
A Moustache.
The Author is carried onto the stage on a bed by four large men. Suddenly aware of his nakedness, he gleefully jumps down from his bed and prances offstage

Author (begging for more): Let the opera begin!

(enter the rest of the cast, on stilts)

Arsene (boastful): Oh, Lapel Pin. Ooooh, Lapel Pin!

Lapel Pin: Arsene, you were a devil in university and you have remained so.

Clarice pulls off her top and runs offstage, giggling maniacally. Arsene quickly abandons his stilts and watches the Professor and Lapel Pin do the same. The Handsome Nine behave in an unpredictable manner

Professor (addressing the audience): You are all idiots.

Audience (in unison, shocked): Don't you speak that way to us!

Professor: I will speak however I like.

Audience (again in unison, as if hypnotised): We will leave before you show us more disrespect.

A whale falls from the ceiling and hits the stage, its innards spilling out over the front row of the audience. Some of the Handsome Nine begin to clap.

Arsene (to professor): Stop the music, will you? Sometimes I just wish I were dead.

Professsor (to the whale): Arsene told me to do something, but I won't listen to him because his parents are lifeless vegetables who grew up eating terrible, TERRIBLE food that would make me want to just...fucking...

Arsene: Just fucking what, Professor? You seemed to have all the answers before and now you're as confused as a mouse scurrying about a desolate bordello.

Professor: Just fucking puke! That's it, Arsene, that's the bloody word I was looking for.

The whale makes a loud rumbling noise and then begins to sing both parts of Kurt Weill's Jealousy Duet simultaneously

Arsene: Well, nuts to you then. Go fall through the roof and see how you like it, you pus-filled boil on the ass of society!

Professor (addressing the audience once again): I love a nice hot bath. I love a nice hot bath. I love a nice hot bath. I love a nice hot bath. I love a nice hot bath...

The Professor continues to repeat this speech for about two minutes. While he does this, Arsene slowly creeps offstage. While Arsene walks, he is followed by a large buttered chicken suspended by wires.

Curtain.
Another curtain.
A third curtain.

         Scene 2
A Terrible Room
Clarice is smoking a handful of cigarettes. Lapel Pin, Mussolini, the Professor, and Arsene are sitting around her in a closed circle, playing small drums. The rhythm is intense

         Scene 3
Among Two Broken Eggs
Mussolini is riding on the Professor's back, kicking him constantly in the side. He is weeping, occasionally pausing to scream Italian profanities. Enter Clarice and Arsene

Arsene (clearly doomed): Oh, what a glorious day!

Professor (throwing Mussolini off his back): Oh no, oh no...Last time it rained it never stopped! My entire family is now submerged. They will all be dead... Eventually.

Mussolini continues to curse angrily in Italian. He removes one of his boots and begins to pound on the ground with it

Clarice (to the Professor): Who cares? I'm famous!

Arsene: Clarice, you have run out of chances to have me. I am through with you.

Enter Lapel Pin on roller-skates and the Handsome Nine suspended by wires

Clarice (to Arsene): Oh, you just keep on living, young man. I will make many things out of you-- I can tell you that much!

Lapel Pin (big and bad): Fuck!

Voice: Oh boy, look at what we have here!

Clarice: Come on, mysterio, you don't scare me!

Arsene (lovingly): We'd best not cause it distress, thunderlove.

Handsome Nine (covered in yolk): Squaaaaaark!

Curtain

         Scene 7
Wherever We May Find Ourselves
The Author, still naked, runs onstage and poses for the audience

Author (flamboyantly): Oooh, how European!

End