Dave Rollins

He was a good man…..once. He was a normal man…once. He was even a functioning human being…..once. Once upon a time he was all these things. Now, that seemed like a dream to him. An alternate reality even. As he lay there, in his overused bed staring at the ceiling, trying to get that precious sleep he so desired and thought he needed in order to meet some delusional quota of his own making, these were the thoughts that pervaded his pre-sleep mind.

Dave Rollins, who used to be a good man. Dave Rollins, who used to be a normal man. Dave Rollins, who used to even be a functioning human being. Dave Rollins, who used to be all these things, was now but a shell of all these things. Somewhere on the path we all know of as life he zigged when he should have zagged. He came to that proverbial fork in the road and decided that both choices looked too dangerous so he strolled completely off the road instead. That was so long ago though, that he just couldn’t put his finger on exactly when he had become this vacuous human being. He realized that it was no profound event or great epiphany that sent him off on his way to this miserable existence. It was something much more subtle that happened over a period of years instead of minutes or days. He had heard it once said that a frog floating in a pot of water at room temperature could be put over a fire and not even notice the water beginning to boil until it had already passed on into a beautiful oblivion.

This was Dave Rollins. This was where he was at in his life. It was his life’s boiling point. Did he notice life around him beginning to bubble? The questions in his mind seemed to say he knew something wasn’t right, but poor Dave Rollins just might have been too far gone to read the signs. As he drifted off to sleep these were the thoughts of what was once a good, normal and even functioning human being who went by the name of Dave Rollins.

When Dave awoke he immediately turned over and tried to focus his still blurry eyes on the oversized alarm clock that sat on the nightstand next to his bed. As his gaze grew clear he whispered the time to himself. “Ten twenty-three.” He continued to say it over and over as he opened the top drawer of the nightstand. “Ten twenty-three, ten twenty-three, ten twenty-three…” he continued over and over as he pulled out a notebook and a pen and began writing.

Dave, sometime ago, had began charting how much sleep he was getting. A big grin swept across Dave’s face as he announced to himself “Ten hours and forty-two minutes. That should allow me to skip my mid-afternoon nap.” Dave had three notebooks filled with every waking and sleeping moment of his life for the past….. well…..he couldn’t remember when.

At some point in Dave’s life he grew intensely paranoid of facing that one moment in everybody’s life that they have to face, their own mortality. That one moment right before death when you know you are about to die and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. Dave became so fearful of this one nanosecond that he became obsessed with figuring out a way to not have to face it.

Dave knew, at least as of yet, that there was no magic pill or scientific breakthrough on the horizon that would make facing death obsolete. He knew that one day death would come to him as it comes to all. His fear was being conscious of the fact that he was about to die. He pondered on this day after day for weeks at a time. Then one day it dawned on him what he could do about it. Drawing on his vocation as an actuary, Dave put his talent of gauging possibilities and probabilities to use and researched everything he could possibly find in books and on the internet about death and dying. He began calculating where people died, when they died, how they died and what they were doing when they died.

What Dave came up with first was ways to lessen the chance of accidental death. He figured this was a good place to begin because this was a way of dying that a human being had some sort of say in. Dave figured that if you lessen the chances you take and the dangerous situations you put yourself in you can all but eliminate this aspect of death.

So Dave quit his job. He quit going out places with his wife and little girl. He quit associating with his friends and relatives. All his beloved hobbies that took him away from home like golf, poker night on Thursday’s, fishing with the fellas on the weekends, he quit all that too. Dave left his house for nothing. He even caught himself one day not wanting to stroll out and get the mail from the end of the driveway. Dave, for all intents and purposes, became a hermit.

Dave had, so he thought, eliminated or greatly reduced his chances of being involved in an accident that would bring about his death. It was the other aspect of death that was perplexing Dave. Natural death was unavoidable. How can I keep from knowing that I’m about to die naturally, he thought to himself. The only thing Dave could come up with was that you either had to be unconscious when you died or sleeping. “Sleeping!!! Sleeping!!!” Dave shouted to no one else in the house. This was the answer. Well sort of the answer he thought to himself. As far as he knew Rip Van Winkle was just a fairy tale and you can’t spend every waking hour, well…..sleeping.

So Dave went back to work researching. He researched all the times of death that were readily available through internet, books and newspaper publications. Finally after hours on top of hours of exhausting research Dave came up with a chart of the most likely times of death. Dave reasoned that coupling sleeping during these “most likely” times of death with sleeping greater than 50% of the 24 hours in a day would greatly improve his chances of not having to stare his own death in the face. Dave, proud of his accomplishments in this endeavor, decided to reward himself with some, now, much needed sleep after all the sleepless hours of research and development that went into his plan.

When Dave quit his job and stopped leaving the house Cindy rolled with the punches. She reasoned to herself that it was a mid-life crisis, a phase or maybe even a form of depression that Dave would eventually get over. This sleep regimen that Dave was now adhering to though, was the last straw. Cindy reckoned it with living with someone who was somewhere between the dead and the undead. A vampire is exactly what Dave was starting to look like too. Dark circles had formed under his eyes and his skin was becoming almost transparent. After months and months of discussions that bred arguments that bred fights about Dave’s newfound way of living Cindy gave him an ultimatum, get help or get out.

As he lay there on his tiny bed, in his tiny apartment, Dave replayed that horrible afternoon in his head. He held no grudges against Cindy. He quite understood that he gave her no other choice really. He missed her and Miranda terribly at times, but he felt unable to change what fate had made his raison d'ê·tre.

The clicking and clanging of a metal mechanism being put into motion broke the silence of the dreary, monotone looking apartment. Dave sprang up out of bed and scurried into the living room. Just as he did so the front door slowly opened to reveal the only two people left in this world that seemed to care there was a man named Dave Rollins that still existed.

Miranda came bounding in towards Dave with her arms wide open. “Daddy!!!” Miranda shouted as she leaped into his waiting embrace. Cindy quietly closed the door behind her as she stepped into the apartment. “Hi Dave.” she said as she placed the keys back into her purse and crossed the room. “Hey honey, how you doing? I hope you can stay for dinner I sent out for three.” Dave greeted her back as he glanced at Cindy over Miranda’s shoulder who was dangling from his neck. “Dave please, we’ve discussed this countless times, we’re not married anymore so you can’t call me that. And you can’t just make dinner plans for us and assume Miranda and I don’t already have plans.” Cindy upsettingly shot back at Dave. Miranda slowly released her grip and slid down the length of Dave’s body until her feet reached the floor. She frowned at the now apparent tension and made her way to the couch. “Sorry, but…..well….do you?” Dave asked. “Do I what?” Cindy asked back. “Do you have dinner plans?” Dave asked again. “No, but I’m just saying. You know?” Cindy said exasperatingly. “Ok, ok I know and I’m sorry but I just thought it would be nice with just the three of us. Like old times, you know? Besides I ordered your favorite. Sesame chicken without the seeds right?” Dave said as he opened his arms, inviting Cindy to a hug. “Right Dave.” Cindy answered back, with a forced smile as she accepted the hug and whispered in Dave’s ear, “You ok, got everything you need in here?” “I’m fine. Thanks for asking.” Dave said as he smiled at her.

Dinner passed too quietly for Dave but he used the silence to pretend life was as it once had been. “I’m finished. Can I go watch tv? Miranda asked and broke the peace of mind Dave was having, as she scooted back from the table. “Sure baby, but keep the volume low because Mrs. Winslow next door doesn’t like loud noises and these walls are like paper.” Dave answered. “Don’t get too comfortable Miranda, we’ll be leaving soon.” Cindy said immediately after with a glance toward Dave. “Awww, mom.” Miranda whined as she strode off into the living room.

“Oh boy, I’m stuffed.” Dave stated as he sat back and patted and rubbed his belly. “How’s everything going? How’s your job? How’s the dog?” Dave questioned Cindy like a machine gun. “Dave! Stop with the small talk and diversions! What are you doing here Dave? I mean really what are you doing? You’re wasting away. I mean I can’t keep coming over here like this. It’s just not fair. It’s not fair to me and it’s not fair to Miranda to see you this way.” Cindy cut in before the fourth, fifth and sixth rapid fire questions. A wave of sadness passed through the depths of Dave’s soul. “I know, I know. It’s just that I can’t seem to see my way through Cindy. It’s like I know this isn’t the way to live but I can’t seem to do anything about it.” Dave said as he lowered his gaze and his head. “What are you so afraid of Dave? I mean is it really all worth it? Look what you’ve lost. Your job, your friends, your wife, your life, Miranda for God’s sake!!! You’ve even lost Miranda, or can’t you see that?” Cindy desperately emoted as she got up from the table. Dave, half laughing and half crying added “You forgot my mind didn’t you? Or was you just being nice?” “It’s not funny Dave. I can’t take this anymore. I’m leaving and I’m not coming back. And I won’t let Miranda see you like this anymore.” Cindy said as her emotions began to get the best of her.

“Mommy? Is everything ok?” Miranda asked as she watched her mother hurry in from the kitchen. “Yes everything’s fine honey, but we have to be going.” Cindy said as she grabbed Miranda by the hand and headed towards the door. Dave following close behind desperately plead “Please, Cindy. Please don’t leave like this. You two are all I have left. Please just calm down and let’s talk about this.” “I’m sorry Dave I can’t do this any longer. I have to move on. I have to see a clear future for myself and Miranda.” Cindy said as she handed Dave the key he had given her to his apartment. “I hope you get better Dave. I honestly do. I hope somehow, someway you get better. There’s a whole world outside of this apartment that is living life everyday. Living a normal everyday life. And you’re just in here sleepwalking through it all.”

The inside of the door stared mockingly at Dave. Almost daring him to open it. But he dared not. An alarm rang and jolted Dave out of his thoughts. He hurried into the bedroom and checked the clock. It was time to sleep. As Dave drifted off to sleep he thought to himself that he would think on what had just happened when he woke back up.

A knock at the door sent a startle through Dave. Groggily he arose and as he made his way to the door thought to himself that Cindy must be coming back to talk things out. This made Dave happy as he opened the door and began to say “I wished you would have just….kept …the….key.” His words tailed off and lowered to a mumble as he fixed his gaze downward. There before him stood the most adorable little girl scout he’d ever seen. “Oh I’m sorry darling I was expecting someone else.” Dave said as he smiled at the little girl. “I guess you’re selling cookies, aren’t you? I hate to say it but I don’t have any cash in the house right now. Could you come back next week?” “No, Mr. Rollins I’m afraid not.” the little girl answered back.” “I’m sorry, have we met? Do you live in this apartment building darling?” Dave asked confusingly, knowing full well that the only person in the apartment building who had ever seen him much less conversed with him was Mrs. Winslow next door. And that was only once when she came over to complain about an alarm clock being too loud. “No Mr. Rollins. I’m not here to sell cookies.” the little girl answered strangely. “Well I’m confused. Why are you here? Who sent you?” Dave questioned as he stuck his head out the door and looked to and fro. “It’s time Mr. Rollins.” the little girl stated matter-of-factly. “Excuse me? Time? Time for what?” Dave asked as a shiver made it’s way down his spine. “I think you know Mr. Rollins.” the little girl answered back.

Dave felt his heart sink and the hairs on the back of his neck stand up when he realized what was happening. “No. No! This isn’t how it’s supposed to happen!” Dave sternly said as he took a couple of steps back from the door. “I’ve spent a lot of time working this out. I should be sleeping when it happens. I’ve worked out the probabilities. This isn’t the way it’s supposed to happen.” “I’m sorry Mr. Rollins but it’s your time.” the little girl retorted. “It’s really not that hard Mr. Rollins. All you have to do is take me by the hand and we’ll go for a little stroll.” the little girl said soothingly. “That’s it? Just take you by the hand and walk?” Dave questioned back. “Yes, Mr. Rollins it’s that simple.” the little girl said as she extended her hand.

Dave stood there in a daze for what seemed like an eternity. Then slowly he raised his trembling hand and reached out toward the girls outstretched hand. “It’s ok Mr. Rollins. Everything is going to be just fine.” the little girl said as she grasped hold of Dave’s sweating, shaking hand. As he wrapped his fingers around her tiny little hand Dave squeezed his eyes shut. When he felt no change he opened them again and looked around. Nothing had changed. They were still standing in the doorway of his apartment. “What’s going on little girl? Why is everything the same?” Dave asked, now more confused than ever. “We still have to go for that walk Mr. Rollins. Remember? Oh and don’t forget keep you eyes open.” the little girl cheerily said as she led him away from the apartment.

As they made their way down the hall hand in hand Dave incessantly questioned the little girl about what lies beyond. Every question was answered with a short little “You’ll see.” The elevator was approaching the two as they walked and Dave asked “Are we taking the elevator?” Laughing the little girl answered “No Mr. Rollins, we don’t need an elevator.” As they approached the end of the hallway Dave noticed the stairs and stated “Stairs. Of course stairs. I have to do the work myself and climb there right? Makes sense.” “You’ll see. Don’t forget, keep your eyes open.” the little girl said one last time.

Cindy’s thoughts were racing as she made her way through the Friday evening traffic. She worried she had been too harsh toward Dave earlier on in the evening. She had dropped Miranda off to her mothers and was intent on going back to that apartment and giving another try to redeeming what was left of her former husband and father to her child. She had always felt that her and Dave were meant to be together if he could just get past this sad and deluded chapter in his life.

As she approached the apartment building she saw red and blue flashing lights in front of the entranceway. Her heart began to pound as horrid, terrible thoughts entered her mind. She screeched up behind one of the ambulances and hurriedly jumped out without closing the door behind her. As she ran up toward the entrance the doors swung open and a stretcher was being wheeled out. On the stretcher was a body covered with a white linen sheet. Her heart sank as the stretcher jostled across the doorway and an arm fell from beneath the sheets. Cindy began to sob uncontrollably as she recognized the wedding band around his finger that he never took off, even after their divorce.

“Ma’am, are you a relative?” the emergency worker asked as he gently placed his hand upon her shoulder. “Ma’am, are you going to be ok? Can I call someone for you?” he gently said as he removed his hand and Cindy stood up with tears streaming down her face. “I’m fine, I’m fine. I’ll be fine. Tell me what happened to my husband.” Cindy said as she began to compose herself. “Well ma’am we’re not exactly sure but it seems as though your husband fell down a flight of stairs and received unrecoverable injuries to the head.” the emergency worker stated with a quizzical look on his face. “Stairs? What stairs?” Cindy asked. “The stairs at the end of his hallway ma’am. Strange though because his apartment door was open and it almost looks like he just walked down there and pitched himself forward down the stairs.” the emergency worker said. Cindy felt a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach as she began to think that their argument was too much for Dave to take and she had caused him to take his own life.

Cindy, shaking now uncontrollably, began to walk back toward her car. Her head was spinning and a terrible sense of unreality was beginning to set in as she climbed back into her seat. As she shut the door the emergency worker startled her back into reality by rapping at her window. Cindy rolled the window down and stated “I’m sorry I’ve got to get to my daughter, she’s going to be devastated.” “No ma’am I’m sorry I don’t want to bother you but I was just wondering something.” the emergency worker asked as he continued on “Did your husband sleepwalk?” “What did you say?” Cindy asked as her mouth began to drop open. “Your husband ma’am. Did he sleepwalk?” he asked again. The tears began to flow again down Cindy’s cheeks as she answered “Yes. Yes he did. My husband was a sleepwalker.”











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