Decinegrating.

I looked up from my dinner. Honey-baked ham, sweet potatoes, biscuts, cranberry sauce and corn. Feels like early Thanksgiving... I thought looking over the varieties of food, then I turned my eyes to the ham. The glazed morsal I just wanted to sink my fangs into. I watched blood be drizzled onto the dead pig and form puddles on the side.

"Allie?" My grandmother asked.

"What?!" I shook my head after that episode. It's been happening lately...Just dreaming. I'll be looking at meat or anything red, and blood would appear. "Yes?" I asked, wiping the drool from my mouth.

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." I lied, standing up to go to the bathroom. I pulled out my ipod on the way there, and when I opened the door and looked in the mirror, I screamed dropping my ipod. In the reflection there was a hairy wolf like beast, with red eyes, long nails and red eyes. I dropped to the floor, locked the door, and silently sobbed. What was that? I laid on the floor, tears running down my face. What's going on with me? I closed my eyes and just breathed deeply. After builing up my courage, I stood up and looked in the mirror. I saw my good old self. Long brown hair, with matching eyes, a diamond looking nose with light freckles dotted on it. Wearing her pink collared Abercrombie shirt and jeans. She wiped her forhead of the excess sweat.

"What's going on in there?" I heard my mother's voice yell from the other side of the door.

"I'm fine Mom! I just tripped, and fell! I'll be out in a minute!"

"Ok, come out soon, we're about to leave." You could hear the worry in her voice, and I could't blame her. I've only screamed with real terror like that once, and it was because an inch/two inch spider was on my right shoulder in the mist of night. I was worried for pete's sake! These craving's for blood were just getting worse...

After washing my face, I plugged in my ipod and started to listen while I walked out to the car, without telling anyone. It was dark, except the moonlight. The moon was almost full, In a few days it will be though... I hoped into the car and into the backseat. Wow, I haven't sat in the backseat for a long time it seems...I've always sat in the seat since my parents divorced, fouth grade...And now... I thought, and tears rolloed down my face. I shuffled the song on my ipod, and the first song to turn on was "Chick's Dig It" by Chris Cagle. The tears poured more and more with each word said in the song. This song usually cheers me up...But not so much anymore...My favorite song can't even make me happy anymore, probably because it reminds me too much of Daddy...and how he's...how he's... I couldn't even think it. Only about two weeks ago had it happened, and the pain was getting worse. At first, it was so unreal, and since the funeral, its been like a deep cut that's been torn open again. I'm only thirteen! I screamed in my head, I'm still supposed to have a loving father who I can cuddle with! And watch sports that I'm only begining to understand! And to listen to the most fun and beautiful music while taking long car rides in Austin! I wiped my face of the salt water.

I turned my head and saw my mom, sister and aunt Lynne, (one of my Dad's three sisters) walking out of the front door of my grandparents house. They each got into the car, and smiled at my face, though I was looking out the window. Tears still ran down my face as I thought. Who am I going to dork around with when he asks a silly question about girl stuff? Who's going to shoot peas out his nose and make me laugh until I go in my pants? Who am I going to go with to McDonalds at midnight right before closing time? Who am I going to wrestle with then lose? Who is going to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day?

The tears ran down my face again, and I sniffled all the way to my friend Ashley's house. We were picking her up then going back to my house to have a sleepover, but I wished more than anything to be alone. The worst was when we arrived at her house, my mom got out of the car and sat next to me. She tried to talk to me about it, I of course just blanked out. I didn't even listen, I just nodded and whined for her to go away and leave me alone. Finally when Ashley had been retrived by Bailey, my sister, she hugged me. And I tried to smile, but couldn't.

The barrier is gone. Whenever my friends are with me, it's impossible for me to cry about my father. I call it my barrier, now, it's decinegrating.

~~~

I coughed loudly. For the past few weeks I've had this horrible cough, and it feels like I'm coughing up the inside of my throat. And sometimes, I'll have to barf, but instead its flem...Then from the throat up it feels achey for a little less than a minute. I feel like its trying to burn me from the inside.

I sat up and looked at my phone, it was about ten o'clock. Rubbing my eyes I picked up my ipod and put the headphones into my ears. It's been about a week since the last dilema. Luckily, the cravings for blood were was less, still there, but less. But other things have come up, like being stocked by my friends in the hallways and on my phone, wanting to talk to me, either about there boy problems, or gossip. Sometimes I feel I can never be alone, since my cell phone is ringing every twenty minutes it seems. Yesterday night I have 4 invitations to hang out, and I couldn't go to any of them, (mother).

The song "Dear Bobbie" started to play. I haven't listened to that song in months, because last time I listened I got mad. For no reason. So, I've been a little scared to listen to this song again...Yes, pathetic I know.

My phone had an incoming call from Nikki, and still trying to process the pictures I wanted to move into folders. "Dumb phone..." I whispered.

The ending of the song came on, reminding me of things I'd rather forget. The song is almost over...Just listen to it. Finally the song ended...And My Immortal came on. "Oh my God!!" I switched the song until Linkin Park came on. My cell phone rang for a forth time this morning, then again and again. The screamo played in my ears, as Bach played off my phone.

I thought about what happened last night, how I talked on the phone with Sam for hours, half the time with Brittany. She was at his house. We talked about such random stuff, then serious, then crazy. I had so much fun, I didn't want it to end. But of course it did.

The song Scar Tissue played on my ipod as I thought about what we talked about. I couldn't even write it down if I tried, too embarrassing and too long. Just a crazy conversation.

I got up from the couch and wen down the stairs. I heard my stomache growl in the process. I looked into the closet and the fridge, "Nothing." I mumbled. I sulked to the couch and thought about what I could eat.

"Cereal? No...eggs? Ew no. Hrmmm. Raw bacon could do! Mom went on a walk...She'll never know." I jumped up from the couch in excitment, ipod about to fall from my waist. I thrust open the fridge door and the the drawer. The bacon was sitting right in front of me. I'll just take a small peice, just in case. I pulled out a small knife and cut off a small chunk of pig. I put the morsal into my mouth and chewed. It tasted so good, better raw. I could taste the past blood and could hear the pig squealing as it died. I almost began to cry it was so sad, but deep deep down inside, I was glad that pig died to give me this delicious food. Without thinking, I took the rest of the slice and ripped off a piece with my mouth. The song House of Wolves played in the background as I kept eating the raw bacon.

As I started my forth piece, I heard the door open. I turned, with the slice hanging out of my mouth. There stood my mom, back from her walk in shock.

TO BE CONTINUED...