Identity Lost & Found Before High School

Identity Lost & Found Before High School

"Twinkie"; "Oreo" - Dark on the outside but white on the inside
"American-Asian" - As opposed to Asian-American. Referring to an Asian acting more "American" (Caucasian) than Asian
"Prep" - As opposed to "gangsta"
"The Christian Asian" - Emphasis on the fact that all Asians should be Buddhist

         These are only a few of the many name-calling insults I've received throughout my adolescence. Obviously I was NOT cool. However, that was just scratching the surface of my insecurities. Not only was I looking in the mirror comparing myself to the school's blonde beauties every day but I was also struggling to find a niche within my social life among the people who were supposed to be easy to identify with. However, within the circle of Asian friendships I felt like an outcast.
         The cool Asian kids grew fond of the "gangsta" trend. The closest I got to that was desperately trying to sag overalls over a Hello Kitty t-shirt. The cool Asian kids had parties or were going to a party all the time. I was stuck at home being drilled on words I had gotten wrong on my spelling tests. They also started all the stuff I could only dream about that age: boyfriends. I always had a date but it was with my old piano teacher who was going quite bald at the time.
         No matter what I did I was always that Asian girl who had the strict parents hence I had no life outside of my schoolwork to my peers. I was a wannabe. One of the things that made me think why things were different was my family. Laos is the most conservative country in Asia, so my parents were still firm in their rigid cultural beliefs. Good God, my mom doesn't even like me wearing tank tops because she doesn't think they're proper clothing. However, on top of that, my family was also Christian reformed which added on more rules to our household. My social life seemed unfair. I felt as if they were responsible for my lack of popularity.
         Then, I came to realize that I had the best of both worlds. My parents were very modernized compared to all my friends' parents. There were definitely benefits. My parents provided me with a religion to have faith in during my struggles in life. My friends didn't even realize how much the sacredness of the temple was degraded by referring it to a place to eat. My parents emphasized the importance of doing chores and encouraged me to learn as much as possible. My friends' parents provided them with no curfew or objections to the possible danger whenever they disappeared into the night. My parents had a chance to be proud when I made Honor Roll. My friends had parents who had no idea what that was or what the term "at-risk student" meant.
         I realized that the way my life was completely fine, because I deserved more than what I was confining myself to. I was limiting myself to whom I could be and who I already was. To be Asian-American is to have the best of both cultures. I am 100% Laotian. There is no reason why I wasn't as Asian as my friends were just because my family had different ways of living. I had just as many similarities with them. I, too, had the wonderful feasts with my entire family that consists of an abundance of aunts, uncles, and cousins. I, too, participated in cultural events such as learning to do a Laotian dance. I, too, respected my elders. I, too, embraced my culture - completely.
         After about 8th grade, I started to branch out in regards to the people who I chose to become friends with. I had friends who were Caucasian, African American, Hispanic, French, etc. I dressed the way I personally liked to because I became okay with the person I was. I continued to get good grades even though it made me look like a "prep." I was friends with people of all different races and I grew as a person. I wasn't detached from my Asian friends. I still talked to them in the hallways even though I didn't hang out with them as much anymore. Sometimes the name-calling still happened every once in a while, but it didn't bother me because I knew who I was. Somehow... becoming comfortable with myself had made me more comfortable with them and the intimidation just dissipated. My niche became more of an open area for me to enjoy life in.