The Guilt still haunts me.

It was a winter afternoon. I was trying to convince my parents for my school trip to Shimla. After ample convincing also, they said "NO..". All my friends were going and this time also, I wasn't. I was in 12th standard and this was to be my last trip in school and I knew if i missed it, I would really miss something big.i lost all hopes until a sweet friend Annie called up. She had been with me from past 8 years of my school. My parents knew her very well and liked her alot. We used to play, and study together. She said she would try to convince my elder brother Arnav. I told her there was no chance as I was trying from past one week. Anyhow she called up and I had let Arnav pick up the phone as per our plan. I don't know what all she said but she made it. She convinced him and i knew it was sufficient. I knew if he has decided, then I would surely go and now its his part of job to convince Mom and Dad. I was praying that he gets success in his endevours and it did. I was more than happy and excited. I paid the amount for the trip the very next day to avoid any change in mind of my family.

On the other hand, something was bothering me again and again. My lovely naani(Mother's mother )was very ill. I was really attached to her. She was an idol to me. Her calmness and patience always motivated me to be like her in life. My mother was very upset because of her illness.My uncle told that they had taken my Naani to the doctor and she was better now. My mom felt relaxed hearing that. However, this did not relax me. I don't know there was some kind of bad intution haunting me again and again telling me that i would not be able to meet my Naani again. It was just two days left in my trip and somehow this intution was aggregating fears in me that i was going to lose my Naani forever. I wanted to meet her desperately before i go to trip.

The same night I saw a horrifying dream in which I saw every one crying in front of a covered dead body. I could not see the person in the dream. I was terrified and woke up. But from the known faces I saw flashing in the dream , I could make out whose dead body it was. It made me more fretful. I got up and went to my mom. I asked her many questions about my Naani's health. She was very surpised me asking these questions suddenly at 6 A.M in the morning. I decided that i would go that day to meet my Naani after my school. When I told my mom about my plans, she told me that she would accompany me in the evening. However we could not go as my mom got busy with some relatives who dropped at our place in the evening. Next day again, I decided and called my uncle asking if I could visit their place to meet Naani. However he told me that they were going to hospital for some regular health checkups. So I could not go again. I felt like crying this time as if I was sure what was going to happen, as if God has already whispered the future in my ears.

In the evening, I went to my friend's house. Looking me sad, she asked me the reason. I could not resist and started crying and pouring out what ever was going within me. She was terrified seeing me so much assured about my hallucinations. She tried alot to convince me but within myself, I knew what was going to happen.

Next morning I packed my bags. Before leaving, I left some words to my mom telling her that I am feeling very awful that i could not meet Naanima. She was surprised asking me the reason. I answered her bluntly " I would not be able to meet her again..". My mother was infuriated hearing that. All my words appeared absurd and ludicrous to her.

My friend was trying to convince me all the way to Shimla that it was just a hallucination and nothing will happen and i should not worry. I called up my home as soon as i reached home to enquire if everything was OK at home. My dad told me that everything was fine. I took a deep breath and felt relaxed. It was Christmas eve. We went to Church, bought a big cake for the celebration. Our School teachers organised a bon fire. Our night was full of dancing and singing.

I was tranquiled now after the phone call. I was very tired and went to sleep.
"One dead body covered and every one crying"...This haunted me again and i woke up and realised it was again the same terryfying scene that flashed while i was asleep. Saw the time. It was 6 A.M. Again at 6 A.M.?? I called my home to hear if everything was fine. My dad told me that there was nothing to worry.I did not mention the horryfying dream.
I felt relaxed again and tried to convince myself that it is just a delusion. Nothing else. The day was too tiring and we enjoyed a lot. I was terrified before sleeping as i feared that the same scene would flash again. However the night went calmly and nothing happened. I did not bother the next morning and the day went really enjoying.

We packed our bags and were ready to leave back. My brother called me up. I asked him if everything was ok there. I asked him about Naanima. He told me that she is fine. I felt calm. Our bus took 11 hours and we were back in Delhi. We all hugged each other and said good byes to each other.We did not realise how these three days went by. My friend's dad had picked us up from school and he was to drop me home. The whole time way to home i was thinking of my absurd imaginations, cursing myself "how could i believe on such stupid intutions..".
Finally i reached home after 3 days and no doubt i missed my home a lot...
I went in and hugged my dad and went running to other room searching for my Mom. She was not anywhere. Where could she be at 10 P.M.?I asked my dad "Where is Mumma?". He replied "Dear, she is at your Naani's place from past two days".

He was silent after that. I did not feel the need of asking the reason because I could feel the sense of emptiness when he used "Naani's place" in his words.
Later my Dad told me that Naani left us two days back and they did not tell me because they did not want to create any panic at that time. They wanted me to come back and hear the tragic news because they knew I might broke up.


The sense of guilt still haunts me after so many years also. It felt as if my Naani was asking me again and again to meet her before she leaves us but I could not..