All that Remains is a Shadow

"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy." Why must life be so difficult at times? Welcoming death after colapsing under the tremdous weight of life seems selfish and ungrateful to me. Yet tonight, my drive to continue and stand strong in the face of complications vacated my soul. I found myself "speaking"to God, finally admitting that help was imperative to my survival and sanity. Comparing my existance now to what it was just a few short months ago is devistating. Within the course of one season, I have managed to destroy nearly every true aspect of me.
"Winter just wasn't my season." The solution is clear: grow up (again). I have stopped going to school and use drugs nearly everyday. Sleeping until three or four in the afternoon, living in filth; this situation is quite familiar to me. That aspect is a large facet of my current problem-I have done this all before! The lessons acquired while fighting through this paralysis the first time were held dear for quite some time. Still, I again find myself unable to look at the girl standing in the mirror because my disgust for that individual that grows with each passing day.
This cycle of a slow death can be broken and a new path forged. With one action the self destruction can stop and happiness can be known again: act productively. If I could dig deep within and harness the courage I need, eventually I would be ok; the fear, the paralysis stops any actions from growing beyond a passing thought or a seemingly distant dream. I can't let the fear become stronger than my desire to live.

April 6, 2007