Just feel good

A good friend will comfort you when he breaks up with you. A BEST friend will call him, whispering "Seven days..."

When you get caught looking at him, just remember, he was looking back!

My night in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.

Before you criticize some one, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you’re a mile away and you still have their shoes.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.

One day we will look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Officer, I swear to Drunk I’m not God!

I smile because I have no idea what’s going on.

Life was so simple when boys had cooties.

Boys are like slinkeys, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

You cry I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.

Dear Heart, I met a boy today, prepare to shatter.

I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return alive.

I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

My Reality Check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.