Chivarly Is Most Definitely Dead

A man carrying a briefcase enters the restaurant through the glass double doors and grabs the hand of a woman, standing at nearly five foot ten inches in silver Jimmy Cho heels. Together, they approach the female Maitre D and the man politely extends his hand, loosely gripping hers as she places her fingertips into his palm. He gently nods his head at the waitress as she sets down his glass of Monet. He does not break his conversation with the woman until the cell phone clipped to his belt begins to vibrate. Deeming it unimportant, he returns his attention to the conversation. After their plates have been cleared, the couple decides to enjoy dessert at home on the couch. While watching some chick flick like “A Walk to Remember” or “Just Like Heaven,” she falls asleep where she will awake the next morning. A man, a night we could only dream of.
Granted, there are a few good ones, but sometimes it seems as though infidelity is an innate part of a man’s nature. With all the types of cheating that men do, it’s no wonder women can’t trust them. Whether it’s seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting or touching, their senses are attuned, yet rarely in the direction that they should be.
There are the men with wandering eyes. Most people don’t classify this as cheating. But what ever happened to that old school lyric? “I only have eyes…for you.” If that is the case, shouldn’t you be looking at me instead of the blonde in the True Religion jeans? These men seem to be looking at every other thing with long legs and breasts besides you. And when you show your obvious discomfort in your boyfriend’s salivating over the female species, he answers you in one of two ways.
1. He plays dumb, asks what you’re referring to, denies such an act, gives you a           
big smile – the works.
2. He pulls your hands into his, squeezes tightly, says “I’m just looking. You’re
more beautiful than she is anyway,” gives you a big smile – the works.
It’s always a big smile. It never works. When it comes down to it, wandering eyes can lead to wandering hands and Lord knows what else. So, let’s just stop before we begin.
         Still not convinced? So you catch your boyfriend scanning the figure of the barista when he picks you up from your seven hour shift at Starbucks. Soon, these wandering looks turn into wandering hands and you find him giving extremely (for lack of a more PG term) “friendly” hugs to your co-worker. Example B. Men with the wandering touch.  Most women experience some form of this cheating yet not all see it as that. Why not? I haven’t the slightest clue. Personally, you’re hands shouldn’t be touching her anywhere that you don’t touch me in public. Sometimes, the touching isn’t serious, even though it includes kissing as well. Perhaps it’s a high pat on the thigh or the low placement of the hands on the back. Again, the excuses flow like water. “I thought her waist was lower than that.” “Her shirt was rising up and I just reached in to pull it down.” “She slipped on a banana peel on the dance floor and I had to grab her butt to catch her because I didn’t want to get glitter on my hands from her shirt and I would’ve slipped off her arm because she was sweating a lot and…Oh why was I dancing with her in the first place? Well, I got lonely while you were in the bathroom… It was only two minutes? It felt like forever. See, baby, that’s how much I love you.” Oh please! Regardless, it’s a little too much touching, a little too often.  The columns of Cosmopolitan, Vogue and even Cosmo Girl (because even magazines aimed for thirteen year old girls talk about cheating boyfriends and how to seduce boys these days) contain stories about unfaithful men. The mistaken kiss is always a main topic and the excuses vary but the response is always the same. “What? Did she trip and you’re lips catch her fall?” Familiar yet hysterically funny every time.       
Imagine a dinner table adorned with two candles surrounding a vase of fresh daisies. There’s a woman on one end, staring across at the vacant end of the table. Two plates of chicken parmesan sit there untouched and cold. The meal was prepared at six o’clock. The time now read 11:37. The phone rings and a male voice comes through the receiver. The woman slowly stands up, slips back into her Jimmy Cho heels (of course!), and begins to clear the table. Another untimely meeting? Perhaps, but it’s usually a cover-up for a late night hotel visit with a woman that he has no business with. Having faith in his lies is as foolish as the belief in the tooth fairy. Introduction to cheating man species number three. There is always a surprise business meeting on top of already exceedingly flexible work hours with this man. He can never call ahead of time to let you know that he won’t be there either. Rather he calls you after you have been waiting for nearly two hours on an appointment that he never planned to keep. Typical of his breed. The firm is always close to a huge breakthrough with the biggest case or the boss just slammed five hundred seventy two files on his desk to be completed by six in the morning the next day. Sounds more like something else came up. Regardless of the excuse, the main message is similar. “Don’t wait up for me.”
Men whose key to survival is the Sprint/Nextel telephone company. Dealing with such a man makes you hate the sound of your boyfriend’s cell phone ringer. The sound of a deep raspy voice speaking in rhythmic syllables over an obnoxious hip-hop beat blasts through the speaker on his Nextel and (regardless of how much you loved the song before) disgusts you every time. In the middle of a conversation with him, his phone is liable to ring, which he answers, of course, on the first ring. According to him, the voice on the other end is his boy who is steady stressing about some girl. And apparently, he needs to be at the bar with him and get ridiculously intoxicated by his side. Because that’s what a real friend would do. Of course, you haven’t actually met this distressed friend, yet his needs always seem to come before yours. That’s assuming that it actually is his boy calling. Based on this group of cheaters, it’s probably another woman on the line, wondering where he is and she’s probably as clueless about his two-timing, trifling ways as you pretend to be. This is why you haven’t met him. Because he doesn’t exist.
Denying the existence of the other woman isn’t an issue with the final (and possibly worst) category of cheating men. These men have no shame. He doesn’t care if you know and doesn’t bother to hide his infidelities. As a matter of fact, he may even have the audacity to reveal his betrayal to you himself, boldfaced and daring you to try and stop him. Letting you know that he’s going to see Lynette, his new secretary, and he won’t be back until the morning, he leaves you to eat a pint of cookie dough ice cream, helpless and crying on the sofa. In the movie, Enough, Jennifer Lopez made the attempt to stop her husband and he (member of the deceitful, worthless male species) beats her physically and emotionally. Stopping him is like trying to hold your breath forever. You’ll never succeed and you’ll kill yourself in the process.  He displays a husband who takes his unfaithful acts to an unimaginable extreme. Having a conversation on the telephone with the other woman while his wife stands before him is bad enough. Yet, the demon takes it a step too far (way to far) when he brings their child around his mistress of many. And what’s worse is that the shameless cheater always delivers the news absent of excuses with a big smile on his face. It never works. He doesn’t care.
When you think about it, no unfaithful man really cares. Because if he did he would care about what he was doing to you through his infidelity. With all the liars, cheaters and users out there, you would think that women would just leave men alone for good. Yet, in all honesty, the truth remains that women need men regardless of how we may deny it. And with every low-life man we encounter, our longing grows stronger for a knight in shining armor to steal us away from the web of ugly lies (and truths).