A Mermaid's Tale

A Mermaid's Tale




         Once upon a magical time, when the fantastic was real and miracles were common, there lived a mermaid named Prosynthia. She swam the ocean depths as a bird would grace the sky. Only seldom would her beautiful face break the surface of the water and gaze upon the surface world. And yea, pity the passing sailor who should be so unfortunate as to catch a glimpse of this rare event, for Prosynthia was the most beautiful of mermaids; and even the briefest glimpse of her splendid features would cause the man to fall immediately in love with her. And once Prosynthia returned to her watery home, the poor man's heart would most certainly shatter with unspeakable grief.
         So it was an extraordinary and unprecedented event when, one breezy afternoon, Prosynthia looked above the ocean waves to spy a passing ship. She immediately took a fancy to a human sailor who stood by the rails, falling instantly in love for the first time in her existence. She swam forth, crashing through the waves as she paddled to the ship, determined to reveal herself to the surface world for the first time in ages. She broke through the water surface, appearing before the young sailor, speaking to him with the voice of an angel and with the beauty and grace of a goddess: "Greetings, O human sailor! I am Prosynthia, mermaid of the deep! I have been smitten with thee, good sir, and with thy liberty, I would take thy hand in marriage and join thee upon the surface world forevermore!"
         "Cool," said the sailor, whose name was Jonas. "Do I get to make three wishes?"
         Prosynthia considered him for a moment. "I'm sorry?"
         "Well, you're a mermaid, right? So I get three wishes!"
         Prosynthia shook her lovely head and smiled faintly. "I'm sorry, sir, but I think thou hast me confused with a genie. I am not a genie. I'm a mermaid, and I've come to ask for thy hand in marriage!"
         "Would we have to go live in your lamp?" Jonas asked.
         Prosynthia shook her head a little more forcefully. "No, sir, please listen. I'm not a genie. I don't give wishes, and I don't live in a lamp. I live in the sea, and I'm half-woman, half-fish."
         Jonas frowned. "Shouldn't you be half-woman, half-horse?"
         Prosynthia paused, her eyes moving about thoughtfully. "No, that's a centaur."
         "Then what's half-man, half-lion?"
         "That's a sphinx."
         "Half-lion, half-eagle?"
         "That's a griffin."
         "Half-man, half-koala bear?"
         "That's… I—I don't know what that would be. I've never heard of it."
         "Yeah, I know," Jonas said, waving at her playfully.  "I just made that up. You know what I'd call it, though? Koala-Man!"
         "That's…very original."
         "Or, hey! How about half-koala, half-zebra? I'd call it a zebrola!"
         "Look—"
         "Or maybe a koalabra!"
         "Look!" Prosynthia said, holding up her hands in a preemptory gesture. "I think we're getting a little sidetracked here. I didn't come here to give you three wishes or to talk about koala bears. Do you wanna get married or not?"
         Jonas looked her over. From the waist up, she was truly gorgeous, a curvaceous upper body with long blonde hair and crystal blue eyes. Her bottom half was still submerged in the water. "I don't wanna be rude or nothing," Jonas finally said. "But are you sure we're, you know, compatible? Don't get me wrong—the top half of you's really hot. But let's just say I don't get turned on by a naked carp, know what I'm saying?"
         "Don't worry," Prosynthia assured him. "If you agree to be my husband, I'll join the surface world and grow legs."
         "Grow legs? I thought you turned to stone."
         Prosynthia closed her eyes a moment. She shook her head again and said, "First of all, that's a gorgon, and she turns her victims into stone when she looks at them—"
         "Ahhh!" Jonas shrieked, shielding his eyes and thrusting his palm out to her. "Away, mighty gorgon! Please don't gaze upon me! O what have I done to offend thee?!"
         Prosynthia let out an exasperated sigh. "For chrissake, I'm not a gorgon! I told you a dozen times: I'm a mermaid!  I'm not going to—" She reached out and pulled his hand away from his face. "I'm not turning you into stone! See?"
         "Whew!" said Jonas, looking back at her. "Say, can I use my third wish to wish for three more wishes?"
         Prosynthia pinched the bridge of her nose. "Oh lord, not the genie thing again," she moaned to herself. Then she collected herself and tried again. "For the last time, I'm not a genie. I'm a mermaid, get it? Mer-maid!"
         "Oh yeah, I see," Jonas said unconvincingly.
         "You do? Are you sure?"
         "Yeah, I'm sure. So are you going to trim my beard when you cut my hair, or…?"
         Prosynthia gaped at him. "Okay, that's a barber, which isn't even a mythological creature, so I don't know what the hell!"
         Jonas looked over the waves reflectively. "Know what I wish? I wish I knew what to wish for."
         Prosynthia sat there a moment, looking at him with her nose wrinkled in disgust and her mouth agape. "Good God, you're an idiot," she concluded. And with that, the mermaid dove into the sea, never again to be seen by human eyes.
         "Wait!" Jonas called after her, waving frantically. "That didn't count as one of my wishes, did it?"
         "Who are you talking to, Jonas?" said the ship's captain, arriving on the scene.
         "Ah, it was one of those—what do you call ‘em?—genies."
         "Are you sure it wasn't another whale?" 
         "Nah, it couldn't have been a whale. It didn't have feathers."
         The captain thought about that for a moment. "Well, anyway, Jonas, I need you swab the poop deck."
         "Heh! Poop," repeated Jonas. "Say, after I'm done, can I ring the fire bell?"
         The captain rubbed his forehead. "Jonas, I'm going to explain this to you one more time. This isn't a fire engine. It's a ship."
         "A ship?" Jonas put his hands on his buttocks. "Then what's this?"
         "That's your butt."
         "Then what's that?" Jonas said, pointing.
         "That's a hole in the wall."
         "Then what's that?"
         "That's shinola."
         "Then what's that?"
         "That's… You know what? Never mind. I'll get Wilson to swab the deck." And with that, the captain dove into the sea, never again to be seen by human eyes.

[Taken from the book, "I'm an Idiot, You're an Idiot"]