all of a sudden

In less than a week, I find myself so far from what I wrote. My new beginning has fallen to pieces. So everyone knows, my sister ran away only recently. She just fell off the face of the planet. Ever since my mother passed away, all three of us children have suffered very unique trials and tribulations. Sadly, my sister felt she suffered the worse because she was taken far from her friends and far far from her comfort zone. My dad moved away from the pain and memories of his newly lost wife. This would be the year my sister started high school. To make all matters worse, he moved his girlfriend in too. We all hated her and my father because this was all under a year from my mother's death, but let us get back to my sister. She was extremely bitter, and up until now, most of my faily thought she lived a horribly tragic life full of verbal and mental abuse. I personaly urged her to stand her ground and give my father hell everytime he tried to hold her back from making friends or joining some extracurricular activity at school. My brother was the same way, but he had a longer running fued with my father, so he was much more abrasive and forth coming when it came to giving little sister advice.
So now we find out it was all lies. She was a heathen child to my father, and he bent over backwards to make her happy only to be met with ridicule and cold heart that both my brother and I helped mold. I couldn't feel more guilty. Now, we find out my sister was involved with a girl who opened her up to a very lesbian lifestyle and drug use. For almost a month, no one had contact with her. She had left all of her belongins behind, and I knew at the bottom of my heart I had lost another loved one too soon. Well, now we know differently. She has been seen alive, but her condition is unknown. She is unknowingly involved in a methamphetamine lab that is about to be busted. The cops have told my father it is too risky to pull her out on runaway charges, and sadly she will most likely be included in the raid. I can not say I am happy to hear she is alive. The pain and suffering will not end for her, and unlike the rest of my family, I will not be able to look back at her with anger and resentment. Instead, a deep sorrow for her lost innocence can be felt throughout my entire body. From the knot in my throat, to my collapsing lungs, and every short breath leads tears, I can't imagine her life will ever be joyful again. I still miss her, and if I had a choise I would choose her life over a drug bust.
But, that's not all the joy in my life right now. Remember the guy with the calves? He would be the only man I have ever wanted to marry and start a family with. He is nothing short of everything that brings light and love into my world. I now have to say goodbye to him for the genius that is our military has called him overseas....again. I was not present in his life for the past deployments, and I can not imagine the pain his family is feeling. All I know, is that the man I love, will be gone from my life for a year. Doing what??? Oh no not actually any front line combat zone shit like the past, but office work. Why do they need him? Since this is almost common occurence, he is not really phased, but only saddened by my tears. He promises to not re-enlist, and I will never be able to thank God for this. My pain is only worsened by the fact that I know I am not the one leaving to a warring nation. I hope he understands why I can not look into his eyes without feeling like I am already looking at his coffin. I won't tell him that, but maybe the sheer despair and fright can be felt. It only compounds the pain I feel aobut my sister. I know my weaknesses, and I feel like I am watching God wipe names off of my chalkboard. A plague is now spreading to every part of my being and no prayer or optimistic one-liner will be able to cure me. If you look into my eyes, you will see the darkness and breathlessness that controls my life. Give me a year, and if I haven't succumb to an early depression and valium overdose, than I know I can handle the weight of the world.

Wish me good luck