A Letter From the Heart

Dear Aunty Nirmala & Uncle Ranjith,

I write with mixed feelings. I don’t know whether
you want to hear what I have to say or not, but I feel it
is my duty to explain to you both what happened on that
fateful night. The night you lost your daughter. The
night I lost my friend, my lover, my soul mate, my
everything.

It was a Saturday, sunny, breezy, lovely. Anushka
and I set off a little after lunch. I didn’t know she
hadn’t told you both that she was going on this trip.
When I found out, I wanted to turn back immediately. I at
least wanted her to call and tell you. But she refused. I
think you had had a fight that same morning. About what
I’ll never know, but Anu didn’t want to talk about it. By
the time we reached the hotel it was just past five
thirty. The party started after dark and we started
drinking.

As the night progressed, the party started getting
louder and rasher. Anu suggested we went up to bed. I
wasn’t sleepy and so suggested we leave the party and
climb up some nearby rocks. We did and it was wonderful.
It was quiet, except for the breeze, which gently
caressed our faces. There was nothing in front of us but
open the open ocean and a clear starry night. We sat on
one of the rocks and spoke for a long time. We were
planning a life together, and even though you did not
approve at the time, we were sure that someday, you
would.

At some point, I suggested that we moved closer to
the edge. This was my first mistake. We moved closer to
the sea. It was much better there. The breeze was
stronger and the spray wilder, the sound of the waves
beating against the rock more captivating and the smell
of the sea more intoxicating. At the time it felt as if
we were the only two people in the world. We sat there
for hours our heads resting against each other’s. It was
so perfect, so wonderful. She made me so happy. We
exchanged a passionate kiss and decided to move to an
area a little away, where there was an overhanging rock
that would afford us a greater degree of privacy. I am
not ashamed to tell you, we made love there. I won’t ever
forget that.

We cuddled up to keep warm, as the wind was steadily
growing colder and stronger. I could feel her heart
beating, the warmth of her body against mine, I could
smell her perfume, could smell her, her hair, so soft
under my cheek. And there, in each other’s arms, content
and happy, carefree and at peace, we fell asleep and I
didn’t know that that was going to be the last time. The
last time I would ever feel such pleasure, such
happiness, such utter and total fulfillment.

I am unsure how much time passed by until I could
vaguely hear people laughing, hooting, shouting and
clapping. I thought it was a dream until suddenly, I felt
a thud on my head. I woke with a start. Someone was
beating me. I could see Anu quickly putting on whatever
clothing she could. I remember feeling rage as I’d never
felt it before. With a great burst of energy I attempted
to get to my feet, but I’d forgotten that we were sitting
under an overhanging rock. My head crashed into the rock.
I only remember seeing twinkling lights and Anushka’s
face. Oh, god that beautiful face. It was then that I
realized that I’d lost my footing and my balance.
Everything seemed to have slowed down. I was falling.
Falling off the rocks.

I looked in Anu’s direction, our eyes met and in
that split second, I think, she realized what was
happening and the look on her face went from blankness to
shock and then to panic. I saw her lifting her hand and
distantly I could hear her shouting my name. But I was
falling and there was nothing I could do about it. I
tried to grip something, with my arms, with my legs, but
there was nothing to grip but cold air. It was at that
moment that I realized the end had come. I shouted out
her name. I wanted that to be the last thing I said. I
wanted that beautiful sound to resonate through my
throat, my chest, my head, my body, one last time. I
wanted to close my eyes, yet I wanted Anu to be the last
thing I saw.

Then came the cold. Like hundreds of pins and
needles and knives being stuck into your body all at
once. Everything had gone silent. It took a second or so
for me to realize that I was still alive. I’d hit the
water. My legs strained against the water as I pushed up
toward the surface. I looked up first. Anushka was there.
I felt joy. All was not lost. But then Anu was jumping,
jumping off the rock. My stomach cramped and I wanted to
jump, to fly, to shout, to stop her. I tried to shout.
Nothing came out. Not a sound.

Anu hit the water. I couldn’t believe what was
happening. But then she surfaced. I started swimming to
her. She was swimming too. We fought against the water to
reach each other and the moment we were within reach of
each other, we grabbed and embraced. It was heavenly to
hold something warm in that cold water. Tears flowed
freely from my eyes as I hugged her and the salt water
washed them away. We kissed. And then it happened. Her body was in spasms. She was shivering uncontrollably. Knowing what was happening,
I tried to pry open her mouth with my hands. It was
tightly shut. I kept trying while holding her close to
me. I kept shouting her name. I started swimming toward a
patch of shoreline nearby. And then her whole body
started stiffening. I screamed and started swimming
faster. When we got to the shore I forced her hands off
me and laid her down on the sand and started CPR, at
least the way I’d seen it being done on TV. I shouted for
help. But it was too late. She was gone. My Anu had died
in my arms.

Her eyes were still open, but they were lifeless.
The flame in them had gone out. I placed my hands on her
forehead. It was barely warm, a reminder of what once had
been. I shut her eyes with my hand. I held her hand and
cried, before I gave her lips a final kiss. They were
cold, her lips. Her face was beautiful. Why is it that
people look more beautiful in death than in life? Is it
because they truly are more beautiful in death? Or is it
because we simply never appreciate their full beauty
until they are no more.

After that point everything went blank. If I was
conscious, I don’t remember anything that happened. I
woke up in our room at the hotel. My clothes had been
changed. It took sometime for reality to dawn and hit. I
flew out of bed and yanked the door open. My best friend
was waiting outside for me. We looked at each other in
silence for sometime. Then he firmly put his hands on my
shoulders and led me to the edge of the bed, where he sat
me down. He explained everything to me in detail. I was
beyond tears and beyond grief. Even if I tried I don’t
think I could’ve cried. I wished I were dead.

Instinctively I reached for my mobile and started typing
a text message. I stopped when I realized that the
recipient would never be able to receive the message.
There was a sudden emptiness and desolation that I cannot
explain.

My next visitors were the police. They asked a few
questions. Most of them had smug looks on their faces.
The bastards hadn’t lost anything and they obviously
thought that Anu and I were a couple of spoilt rich kids
who’d been boozing and fucking. But no! It was nothing
like that. We’d had a few drinks, yes, but we never
fucked. It was always love, we always made love, we never
fucked! I wanted to beat up the cop who was in charge. I
was then taken to the cop shed, where I was made to sit
for hours. My friend told me y’all had been informed.

A while later an elderly gentleman walked in and
introduced himself as doctor Hewawitharana. He explained
to me what I already knew. Anu had had an epileptic fit
and had choked on her own tongue. The people who had
assaulted us had been boys from the village. They had
been drunk. He was so calm and collected. Anu was just
another subject in his eyes. I sat there and didn’t say a
word. He finally left. My friend offered to take me back
to the hotel. But I wanted to remain at the station if
they needed anything. Some of the officers were
sympathetic. Some even flashed warm smiles. One lady
officer brought me a cup of tea and a bun. She looked at
me as if she wanted to say something but then walked
away. But then there were the morons who kept smirking.
Then you walked in Uncle Ranjith. I expected you to
comfort me, for us to comfort each other. I wanted to
reach out to you. But you didn’t give me a chance did
you. You just walked up to me and slapped me.
The pain of that slap was too much. Because looking
into your eyes was like looking into hers. Deep, gray,
sparkling.

Anushka was my life, my everything. I loved your
daughter, probably as much as you did, probably even
more. If you hate me it doesn’t matter. But Anushka was
never going to marry that idiot Niran.

In the end it’s all my fault. Knowing her condition,
I shouldn’t have taken her up there alone. If I didn’t
take her there she wouldn’t have needed to jump. But I
know in my heart that whether I survived or not, she
would’ve jumped after me, just like I’d have done for
her. She died in my arms. At least I was able to give her
that much in the end, a safe and comfortable place to
die. Do you know what it feels like to have someone die
in your arms? Do you? Ranjith? Nirmala? Do you?
There’s another thing you should know. Anushka was
pregnant when she died, pregnant with my child, your
grandchild. We were going to get married, whether you
approved or not. I was going to let that piece of
information die with her, but I think it’s your right to
know. And I am not who you think I am. I am not the
jobless delinquent you think I am. I just didn’t want who
I was to cloud your judgment of me!

Anu may have been just twenty-one, but she was wiser
than many people your age. It’s a shame you never really
took the time and took her seriously enough to get to
know the real Anushka, Anushka the woman, not the girl.
Perhaps someday, you’ll find out who I was, but not now.
But, allow me to thank you, uncle Ranjith and aunty
Nirmala, for giving me something no one else could have.
For bringing Anushka into this world.

Good Bye.

Signed.

Mahesh.