You Need a Woman!

                   He’s gay.  I know this for a fact.  I’ve seen him kiss his boyfriend countless times outside the office building where we work.  Each morning a kiss through the car window as he drops him off for work.  And every morning as I watch them kiss, I imagine
I am kissing him.  I’d kiss him with my eyes closed softly and lips barely puckered.  Gentle and smooth.  My kiss would linger longer than a usual goodbye kiss does, because I know my kiss needs to be better and more incredible.  My kiss needs to scream, “You need a woman!”

         This morning I watched his lover drop him off in front of the building, and there was no goodbye kiss.  Jack just got out of the car and shut the door.  No kiss through the window, no wave, not even a look back.  Today, of all days, was my chance to turn Jack straight.

         I quickly unbuckled my seatbelt and got tangled in the straps.  I was rushing, and whenever I rushed I was halted by my own clumsiness.

         “Jack!” I shouted across the parking lot as I fell out my car door.  “Wait up!  Jack!”

         Jack turned around looking in the wrong direction of my car.

         “Jack, over here!  Wait for me!”

         “Oh, Rachel,” he saw me as I popped up from the ground.  “Do you need help?”

         “No, I’m fine.”  I wasn’t so sure I was fine.  I had heard a rip of material when I so gracefully exited my vehicle.  I looked down to see if there was any noticeable rip in my pants, but nothing showed.  I brushed my hands down my butt to try and feel if there was a tear, but didn’t feel one.  “Yeah, I’m fine. Just clumsy.”

         “We all trip sometimes.”  I was now caught up to him and could focus my attention on his handsome features.  Jack was about 6’2” and muscular.  He never talked about going to the gym, nor did he ever show off his body around the office.  I knew he was muscular because I once fell into him entering the elevator.  I could feel his pecks and six-pack as I brushed them with my face.  They were hard, which is why I had gotten a bloody nose.
         
         “Well, I think I do that more than others.  At least this time I didn’t ruin your shirt.”

         “That was my favorite shirt.”

         “Sorry again.  I told you I’d pay for your shirt.”

         “I know, that’s sweet of you to offer.  How were you to know that your nose was going to bleed like that?”  Jack just said I was sweet.  This certainly was the day where I could change the man.

         “So, what’s up with you this morning?”  I was trying to act casual, but couldn’t help the tinge of excitement in my voice. 

         “Not much.  I think Michael and I are going to split up.  We had a big blow out last night.”  Jack looked to the ground and kicked a pebble.

         “Oh, I’m sorry.”  I tried to keep the corners of my mouth from moving upward.  “Maybe it’s better this way.”

         Jack opened the door and let me go through first.  Once I was through, he paused for a moment then said, “Maybe.”

         “Maybe you’ll find someone totally different.  Someone you wouldn’t expect to fall in love with.”

         “Maybe.  Maybe I’ll find someone new.”

         “Like a woman,” I raised my eyebrows.

         “I don’t know about that one.”  We entered the elevator that contained two other people.  I didn’t know exactly how close I should stand next to him.  Normally I would space myself a good person width away from him, but I needed to show him that I was interested. 

         Jack went to the back right corner of the elevator, so I decided that I would stand directly in front of him with only about 6 inches between us.  I figured this positioning was perfect.  First of all, I was nearly ten inches shorter than him, so he got to see my precise part on the left side of my head.  This showed him that I was great with hair and paid attention to detail.  Also, this was a great spot to be in because my butt was so close to him.  The backside would be familiar territory, unlike my front.

         “Rachel, you’re standing kinda close,” Jack grabbed my shoulders and moved me to his side. 

         “Oh, sorry.  I guess I didn’t realize I was that close.”

         Jack leaned over and whispered in my ear, “I don’t want you to block my view of that.”  He nodded his head towards Ben.  Ben was another gay man that worked on our floor and standing directly in front of us.  “Maybe he’s the something new?”  I shrugged my shoulders.

         Jack was looking at Ben’s butt.  He nudged me then winked.  I realized then that I needed Jack to look at my rear if I was ever going to have a chance.  So, I started to rummage through my purse to find something to drop.  There was my cell phone, too fragile, my lip balm, too small, a tampon, too embarrassing.  But as I kept on digging through my overloaded purse the tampon managed to escape.

         “You dropped something,” Jack said.

         I looked down and saw that the tampon was rolling across the floor.  As I tried to bend down and show off my rump, my purse the size of a large pizza box whipped back and knocked the wind out of Jack.

         “Oh, gosh!  Are you okay?”

         “Uh…yeah,” Jack grunted as he was bent over.  “Here’s your tampon.”

         I grabbed the feminine hygiene product and rushed out of the elevator.  As the doors closed I heard, “Rachel, this isn’t our floor.”

         “Crap!”  I pushed the button to the elevator rapidly.  The door didn’t open.

         I turned around and noticed that this floor was much like the one I worked on.  Wall to wall cubicles seemed like a human version of a honeycomb.  Men and women periodically popped up from the partitions to go fax or take a break.  It was almost disappointing to see that this floor was the same as mine.  Were all the floors like this?  Did anything change from one floor to the next?

         I turned around and saw the lighted number above the elevator descending.  Finally, the number stopped dropping and came to rest.  The elevator doors made their clicking noise and started to open like a curtain on opening night at a Broadway musical.  The smallest slit in the doors revealed Jack’s back.

         “Oh, Jack thanks for staying on…” I stopped talking.  Jack wasn’t the only one on the elevator.  When the elevator doors opened to their greatest width they exposed both Jack and Ben involved in a full on lip-locking moment. 

         My stomach turned.  My mouth started to water like it did right before I puked.  Then it happened.  The wretched sounds of gagging and half digested bagel spewed from my mouth to land in the crack between the elevator and the sixth floor.  Not only did I throw up in front of someone that just broke my heart, but also I never got the chance for him to see my butt.

         Jack and Ben turned their heads to see the mess I had made.  “Are you sick?” Jack asked with disgust.

         “No.  I just wasn’t expecting…”

         “Oh, I see,” Jack let go of Ben’s waist and turned towards me.  “You weren’t expecting to see two gay men enjoying a kiss.  I hadn’t thought for one minute that you were homophobic, but now I see the true Rachel Fields!”  Jack shouted.

         “That’s not it at all…” the doors to the elevator shut and cut me off.  Again I was left standing on the wrong floor.  The only difference this time was that I was left with puke breath.