My Statement of Purpose

To the Admissions Committee:

I am young, aimless and restless. I need something to do that isn't morally compromising. Investigating philosophical questions on my own terms would meet my needs just fine. Indeed, if one were to devise the best way to manage traditional masculine frustration, intellectual curiosity and a willingness to have taxpayers foot the bill for one's own masturbatory indulgence, college, round 2, is a perfect candidate.

Since you educated types are so concerned about diversity, I can pass for no fewer than four different 'ethnicities,' so surely I will enrich your campus life by pretending to bring 'new perspectives' to pressing issues, such as the precise diction most useful to discrediting White Male concepts like truth and hygiene.

In today's globalized society, an abundance of fatuous language is required to most clearly obfuscate one's point. Through three semesters of intensive riding the curve and countless pitchers of beer (most of which were consumed abroad), I have become fluent in unintelligible Russian. Since most other applicants possess this level of skill only in English, the advantage in communication is mine.

I believe that I am more mature now than many of your past students have been. In fact, I would say that I have the temperament of a grizzled veteran of the socio-cultural battles that many have to first lose before retiring to academe. I already read The New Republic, hating it and loving it, depending on the page and the current actions of the Israeli lobby. I haven't engaged in any acts of domestic terror, but I routinely vote Democratic and feel badly about it in the morning. Surely, we can skip the formalities of getting me on the tenure track, no?

Despite my presently unorthodox tastes in the flesh, by the time I've been beaten down and molded into something acceptable for the uniformly heterodox scholarly community, I am confident that I'll be greying in my baldness and prepared to just barely avoid scandal with an undergraduate who insists on wearing knee-high boots. If I manage to be too respectable up to that point, I'll fake it and substitute a young wrestler to make up for my disappointing performance.

Indeed, when it comes to producing unreadable nonsense of the hyperbolic or insipid variety, I can ably serve your august institution. Indeed, you may have noticed many of the magic words from the GRE that's I've peppered throughout this essay. They are a testament to my score of 750. I was denied the last 50 points because the test is culturally biased.

By the way, free Mumia.

My admission and matriculation to X University is really a win-win situation. We can promise one another that we will grow and mature and produce grand things together, and then stew in mutual loathing when neither of us delivers. Indeed, it's like a marriage. Which happens to be one of the issues I aim to study with my PhD in Sociology.