Greed, a deadly sin?

    Greed is considered to be one of the seven deadly sins. Would you be shocked if I confessed that I’ve committed that sin … probably not as you really don’t know anything about me? To judge me, you need to know the story of my life.

    My name is Beth and I’m going to tell you the story of my life. The day I was born, I was given up for adoption. Now… don’t just shake your head and leave. This is not a sob-story! I’m just stating the facts of my life. I’ve no complaints against my creator. If anything, I’m grateful that she gave me an opportunity to live my life. She probably had her own reasons for giving me up and I won’t judge her.

    The story of my life starts with an adoption agency. I moved from one foster home to another. For those who are not aware of the term foster care… it’s a place where a child temporarily resides till he/she can be legally adopted by somebody. Unfortunately for me, no such miracle happened. I just kept moving from one place to another, waiting and aching for somebody who would care enough to go through the hassles of adopting me. Another constant change in my life were the social workers to whom I would be assigned. Like any other kid in such a situation, I went through a roller-coaster of emotions… wait, expectation, excitement, anxiety, rage, frustration and then finally acceptance of my fate. I was destined to lead a love-less life!

    Then, I turned 12 and I met her! She was my new case-worker … Christine. She must have been in her early thirties … fair-skinned, beautiful dark eyes and a dazzling smile. She started talking to me like an adult would talk with a 12-year-old … forced laughter in every sentence as if their laughter could hide their nervousness. I kept looking at her, not saying a word, testing her endurance.

    She stopped talking and looked at me … really looked deep into my eyes, “O.K., I give up! You’re not going to make it easy for me, are you?”

    I smiled, but kept quiet! She laughed … not the fake laughter, but genuine heart-felt laughter, “You haven’t said a word and I already like you. Now… I’ve been assigned with the task of finding a good family for you. Do you have any preference?”

    That question shocked me into reality. Nobody had ever asked me that question before! She probably saw the shock in my eyes as she spoke softly, “ I can see the greed in your eyes … greed for love!”

    Three simple words to describe my entire life-time. I’ve done nothing but search for love … true unconditional love that I’d read about in books or heard from my friends. There were people who even tried to console me by telling me that God loved me unconditionally. But, I was human and I needed human love … the kind that I could see, touch, feel and breathe.

    That was the day greed entered my life. My heart yearned for love … Christine’s love. She was the first human who showed genuine affection and concern for me. She put her heart and soul into finding the perfect family for me. But, my heart wanted her … only her. We started meeting every month and she would update me on the status of my adoption plans. Little did she know that I was secretly hoping that she would be the one to adopt me?

    My secret love-affair continued for a year and so did her search. After the fifth rejection by another good candidate, I finally built up my courage to ask her, “Christine, why don’t you adopt me?”

    The ball was in her court now. There was a resounding silence and then, “Beth, honey, don’t you think it would be better if a family adopted you?”

    “What family?” I asked bitterly. “I’m 13 now and that perfect family has still not come into my life.”

    “I like you and I know you like me. You even told me the first day we met.” I almost begged.

    She turned to look outside the window, “Yes, I like you, but I can’t adopt you.”

    That was it, straight talk … no excuses or anything, “Oh, so you can have pity on me, but can’t love me, is that it?”

    She winced, “There are reasons, adult reasons that you shouldn’t have to deal with. Trust me; it’s not a good idea.”

    And so ended my dreams … I decided that there was no point in struggling with my fate. I was after-all destined to lead a lonely life. Our charade of searching for the perfect family continued. As far as I was concerned no such family existed. Life moved on and another couple of years passed. I started noticing a change in Christine. She turned more irritable and began to lose concentration. I even heard some rumors that she might be fired.

    I decided to take the bull by its horns, “Hey Christine, what’s going on with you? Why are they talking about firing you?”

    Christine looked straight into my eyes, “I’ve AIDS! It is in advanced stage now.”

      A moment of stunned silence when all I could hear was my heart beat, “Why didn’t you tell me before? You could’ve adopted me. I could’ve taken care of you!”

    Christine laughed, “Yeah, I could’ve adopted you to take care of you. Wouldn’t that be perfect?” She continued, “Beth, you desire for love gave me a reason to live before I die! Do you have any idea what a precious gift you’ve give me?” She was breathing hard now, “Your need is to be loved and my need is to give you that love … alive and healthy! Please don’t take that away from me.”

    I couldn’t think of anything else to say! So, I did what had to be done. I decided to go through the roller coaster of emotions that had been my life … for the second time. I hoped and yearned for love … that elusive true and unconditional love, the kind of love that I got from Christine. Now, you know the story of my life. You tell me, do you think I’ve committed a sin???