Shattering

Preface

Day 1, week 2. Time passes even when it feels impossible. Breathing comes and goes even though it seems like I’m not breathing at all. When he died my world came crashing down. Living in a world with out him was like not living at all. When the man in the uniform came to my door I already knew what he was about to tell me. At first as he walked up to my door I rejected the theory that it was what I thought. But when he told me I crashed down to the ground. And from that day on I didn’t breathe, or at least it didn’t feel like it. I didn’t live. I was just there. An empty space that filled part of a room. They said I was catatonic but how can you be anything without a soul? My soul was gone. My soul died when he did. People always said death was hard to deal with, but what happens when you don’t get to say goodbye? When you don’t see them in months? Don’t hear from them in weeks? When you don’t ever get to see their smiling face smiling at you ever again? Nothing happens.

Life just stays still. You play in your mind what could have been. What would have been. But nothing changes. Days go by, soon followed by weeks. Weeks and weeks of wasted time. Time that was precious, time that could have been something else besides waste. You try and hide the theory that your life is gone, your excuse for existence is gone! But somehow the bills get paid, and you keep on living.

Chapter

It was September 5th when I heard the news. News that over came me. I remember that day like I had been living it every day since. I tried to dull the pain. I remembered he was coming in 3 weeks. 3 weeks was all that was left for me to wait. I woke up with my blonde wavy hair sticking to my face. I tried to numb the pain that I knew would soon over come me. The pain that would never leave. My mother tried to calm me saying “Only time”, what time? What is time, life, meaning, without him? Without that one thing that completed me. The one puzzle piece that completed my puzzle. I heard the phone ringing, I wanted to answer it, but I couldn’t get up. I couldn’t move. And then it hit me again. Just like it did before. With the same rush and intensity. The pain, it came, not slowly, but hard. Like some one hit my with a baseball bat. My breathing started increasing rapidly, my mind started rushing with memories, memories, faces, faces that I would never see again. I wanted to cry, oh did I want to cry, maybe crying would slowly drip out the pain that took over my tiny frame. But I couldn’t, I stared at the wall, feeling all the pain and anger rip me inside. Tearing holes out me.

I locked my arms around my chest. Maybe, just maybe it would help. Maybe I could be conscious and not feel the overwhelming pain. I slowly rose from the couch. The tea in my kitchen was whistling angrily. I walked to take it off the burner. As I turned around after taking the tea pot of the stove and turning the burner off, there it was. The last letter. The letter that would never grant me happiness like it was meant too. I picked it up as I had did a million times before. And I read my name slowly, analyzing every letter. Do I dare read the letter that will send me shattering again?

I set it back down where it was. I am already in pain. One day I will read it, when I am stronger. If ever, when will I be strong? When I die and the pain fades into a hazy dream? I sighed trying to block out the pain, and went back to my position on the couch and started staring at the wall. It felt like I was frozen in time. Just sitting there. Nothing moving or changing. Just there, hours must have went by because the next thing I knew some one was at my side. Patting my hair, I wanted to tell them to go away, I just wanted to be alone. It was my mother. My stupid pathetic mother. She was against this marriage from the beginning, I don’t want to talk to her of all people right now. She started repeating “Only time” I snapped to reality, I yelled at her. “WHAT TIME, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?” “I HAVE NO MORE TIME, MY TIME IS GONE AND YOU SAYING THAT ISN’T GOING TO MAKE ME HAVE MORE, SO WHY DON’T YOU JUST LEAVE?” I don’t know where what I said came from. I felt like I was defending him, that I had to protect him.

I knew I was being selfish. She only wanted to help, but some how I knew she now knew that I was truly in love. That is wasn’t some fling like other young couples my age. That when I married him it wasn’t because I was pregnant or something trashy like that, it was because I loved him. Loved him with everything I had in me. We were like Noah and Allie from the Notebook. Inseparable from the day we met. But the difference between our story and their story is (other than the fact one is fiction and one is real) my ending doesn’t have a happy ending. Happy ending are for gullible people who believe crap like that. Maybe from now on I would start aging faster and become a bitter old woman. But no matter what I become I will be nothing without him.

When I faded back to reality I found myself lying in the middle of my bedroom. I got up and looked around. Memories rushed back like a force that I couldn’t explain. I was in a room that I had forbidden myself to go in because of the pain I would feel. This room had the most memories. The memories that use to make me smile, use to make me laugh and giggle and feel giddy, But now they make me feel…pain. Pain and only pain. I crawled out of the room. Trying to dodge the pain that I knew would creep inside me if I liked it or not! I successfully crawled out of the memory taunting room. When I closed the door behind me I saw my reflection in the mirror of the hall closet.

I looked sickly. My brown blonde wavy hair looked messy and un-kept. My skin looked snow white, but the prominent dark bruises that now attached to my skin made me look like I was dead. My matching tank top and pink underwear that hugged my body didn’t look right with my skin.