Slowly But surely

Indeed the first cut is the deepest. And after such a blow to the mind body and heart you begin to wonder how do i go from here? I thought for sure it would take so long before i would wake up and feel that all this had never happened . That i didnt loose the best thing that ever happened to me. But every morning i woke up with constant reminder that half of me is still gone. The last time we spoke before my heart was broken was sometime in July. Today it is December 1st. And we've indeed been talking again. It started sometime in late september when i recieved a phone call after sending him an email telling him we should talk oneday and catch up after all the past months for me had been a new obstacle everyday. After our Breakup i tried to find an easy escape from the hurt. I didnt even think of suicide but drugs and alchol always seemd to do it. Its the middle of my Junior year in high school and though i promised myself nothing would stop me this year from getting the grades i needed for college. Everything from day one of the school year was already downhill. Still i managed to control my emotions that day when he called. As much as i wanted to scream the feelings that had errupted inside all over again i acted as if this was simply content to my needs. I dont know how he felt talking again. Maybe it was a relife to hear my voice after a while . Because i no for me the feeling was unexplainable. I wanted to know so much. What have you been up to ? How are you doing ? And have you met anyone? But i didnt wanan seem nosey so i let him talk and bring up the simple questions that i wanted to be answered.Yet the one question we both deflected eventually came up . What happened between us? He said he missed talking and was hoping that now we could be "Friends". I hated that word from his mouth. Its hard to be just friends with someone you love. You cant have half of you something that you want a whole part of. But i wasnt gonna let him pass me by again and i must settle with this for now. We continue Talking and he tells me things that make my days sometimes. He told me that he really "liked" me and he didnt want it to end the way he did and he was sorry. And i thought for sure that i was slowly reeling him back. But to my surprise he later told me he had met someone. Who was everything he wanted. Spoke spanish, beautiful body , made him laugh, and was an amazing friend his best friend. I began to think "remember when i was your best friend" when we told eachother everything and when we were there for eachother. So i didnt speak perfect spanish or have an amazing body but i do recall making him laugh and being always being a great friend. This girl was everything im not he remarked Hurtfully. Percing my heart i laughed to cover the hurt. I told him i was truely happy for him. When inside i wanted to say what does anyone have to offer that i cant. Alot more im sure but in my head we were perfect for eachother. I bet hes beautiful that girl he talks about. But now i just listen . He says hes so in love hes finaly got it right. I cant talk of a new love because im still stuck on the old one. Letting go is never easy he says and from time to time when shes there he says he wishes it was me. But now we cant have eachother. I dindt see why at the time but i was about to fall harder than ever and never stop and realize who i was gona hurt in the process. I finally decided we should see eachother, Can i resist those lips of an angel . Hold back from a tender grip of a simple hug i miss. i was going to have to try. It was like old times just laughing but mine was all fake i was crying inside. Why couldnt i lean over and kiss him or vise versa. We kept getting closer and without thinking things happened so fast caught up in emotions i cant explain what thoughts were going through my head as i went into the bedroom shut the door cut the lights and changed my feelings for him forever. It was our first time together. And it was amazing but at the same time i wanted ot cry. What was there to say about what just happened. He has a  girlfriend and i never meant to do the things i had. I had no intentions of hurting a girl who was under the same spell i had remained under. He left after a couple of hours just talking and cuddling. In the midst of this he never said what this meant. I new what i had done was leading to my heart breaking more because he didnt love me he was going to go back. And i apologized to him and told him how i felt . It didnt mean much maybe added to his ego. But my feelings were mearly dirt off his shoulders now. Its been a couple of days and we really havent talked much i wanan make excuses maybe his phone is off or he forgot my number. But ima big girl now and know that maybe i was a one stop shop for the night. I have to face that boys will be boys and there childish games never end . What changed that man i used to know who said when the time is right our love will be proved but until then we should wait. This now boy stands before me in my mind and everything i ever thought about him beings to drain in my heart . im slowly but surely getting over you. I still tear up but as long as were friends i dont need your affection. One day i will wake up to the boy who loves me and when you wake up to the girl you love i want you to make her as happy as you made me. It will be our secret what horrible thing i did but you love her and now its time to go and find my own way i cant look back im in a new direction .