Brain slush

Circulation keeps repeating and I keep on hitting the same walls. I reach a point where I know not what to do where to venture for I am not sure I really exist but if I do what am I, who I am?
The little voices hound me they keep me running and hiding in false caves of a mistaken identity. There is plenty of me I know not where it wanders it is like a star and my life is the fog that obscures it only on very special nights do I allow it to been grasped. This is not a conscience process I feel truly in me, totality rarely, there is another being force that propels me into the future and through the past. I finally realize why people medicate themselves there is too much pain and inconsistency to remain sane. Why do I feel like I am swirling down a drain? Positive vibes are hard to keep momentary glimpse, then they off to another world far from mine. I want to travel to a simpler time and place where there’s no confines of people and tradition devoid of perdition.
I hate the condition of conditioning my mind is frozen by knots of bitterness and hidden desperation too deeply hidden in my body to diagnose expose myself too afraid of the journey to embark stuck at the surface sqeeming and screaming lacking the feeling but numb is better than all out agony right?
I come back to the same place the same emotions is the world trying to send me a signal or am I just swerving off the lane of sane and into a new level of disdain mixed with pain?
Is it a phase as they say or a craze of self loathing or finding why cant I be a little kinder and give myself a list of reminders on sticky notes each one denoting a different part of me that I should cherish for life is short and easily perishes into a reservoir of cool blue liquid where there is absolute calm