Drunken Hilarities

DRUNKEN HILARITIES
by Natalia Samsung


Cynthia was drunk. She had had at least three cans of Pulse and two glasses of Vodka.

Sitting on her chair in the middle of the park, next thing she was face down in the grass. “Oof. Stupid chair pushed me off” she grumbled. As she lay there, a chair was suddenly in her line of vision. “Ooh! A chair!” she said, forgetting that she had just fallen off one. As she walked unsteadily towards the chair, it spoke! “Don’t sit on me, Cynthia!” it warned.
“What the hell? Why is the chair talking to me?” she wondered, confused.

As she sat on the chair, a sharp pain appeared in her ass. She jumped up, “Ouch! It fucking bit me!” she cried. Spotting a hammer nearby, Cynthia smashed the chair. She sat on the cushion from the broken chair, and turned on her laptop. After about ten minutes, the battery died. “Bad laptop!” she scolded, hitting it with the flat of her palm. “Augh! It bit me! Why are things biting me tonight?”

Meanwhile, her friend, Rikki, was pissing herself laughing. Suddenly, Rikki put on a straight face. “Hey, Cynthia, see that bush over there? The leaves taste like chocolate!”
“Ooh, really?” Cynthia said, crawling over to the bush. She picked a leaf off with some difficulty, and put it in her mouth. After about ten seconds of intense chewing, she spat it out, “Pluh! It tastes like shit!” she said disgustedly. So Rikki told her that the leaves on the bush next to it tasted like chocolate, only for Cynthia to find that they tasted even worse. She then told Cynthia that the leaves on the bush next to that one tasted like Pulse. “Heh, why would I need that? I have six cans of Pulse right here.” She said confusedly.
“Well, because the Pulse is running away from you, look!” Rikki lied. So, Cynthia, being a drunken knobhead, sat on the six-pack.

Seeing a tall building, Cynthia left the park to go stand on the roof of the building. When she got up there, she saw her friend, Brad. Suddenly, she got it into her head that she was Claire from Heroes and that she could both fly and regenerate. She decided to jump off the building
“No, Cynthia, don’t!” Brad said when he saw Cynthia on the ledge.
“Huh? My name’s Claire.” She muttered.
“No,” he sighed, “It isn’t. It’s Cynthia. Don’t jump, you’ll die.”
“Die?! No, I won’t!” she laughed at him, “I can fly, remember?”
“No, you can’t fly. You’ll fall.”
“Oh, yeah, I can’t fly, can I? Yeah, well, I’ll regenerate and be okay, it’ll be alright.”
“No, you won’t, you’ll DIE!”
After about an hour, Cynthia was convinced.

Back at the park, Brad and Cynthia had 3 more drinks, and then walked over to the motorway, along with their friend Mikey, with a video camera in his hand.
When they were on the motorway, Cynthia turned on her portable stereo and began to strip to the music. Mikey laughed and started filming her as she tried to pole dance on a stop sign. Brad turned off the stereo, shoved it in Mikey’s arms, and grabbed Cynthia, slinging her over his shoulder with Mikey still filming. He started to carry Cynthia away, while she kicked and screamed and protested that she wanted to strip. Eventually, they made their way back to the park, and Cynthia watched a llama eat Bob, her imaginary friend. Rikki had hours of fun telling Cynthia that she had a spider on her head, and watching her run around in circles, screaming.

As they arrived at Cynthia’s house at 1:00 a.m., Cynthia so wasted she could barely stand, and Rikki still stone sober, Rikki asked Cynthia why she didn’t think about what she was doing that night, such as eating leaves and smashing the chair.
“Because,” Cynthia mumbled almost incoherently as she lay down on the sofa to sleep, “Thinking hurts.”