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I have never done this at all before and I don't really know why I am doing this now. Perhaps it is a call for help, maybe I just want to know if there is anyone out there who might feel the same way. Sometimes I feel like I should have done this a long time ago, but I was so concerned with trying to hold onto this false sense of normality that it consumed me. Now as I sit here thinking that there are no more options left in my life, I pray that there might be some answers out there.

I am not going to disclose any information about where I work or people I work with. I don't even know if there are others out there. But for a long time I have needed to get things off my chest. For all I know I might be writing something that is just pure bullshit to anyone who wants to waste their time reading this.

Even though I have had suicidal thoughts before in the past I never really thought I could go through with it. I have always believed that as a christian suicide was a sin. A selfish act. But what is someone supposed to think when they feel their life has taken a complete swandive?

I truly had no idea how much my life would be changed in the last few years. I would experience emotions and feelings that I never even knew I could feel. I found the more I pushed these feelings and thoughts down inside me I could not control them. I had isolated myself from everything.

I don't really know how to explain what I feel sometimes. I guess it is one of those "you have got to be there" things. But all I do know is that it is a feeling that can completely destroy your soul, eat you up inside until you cannot function anymore in normal society. You feel like a disease. A leech on the world. Or to put it more clearly "a piece of worthless shit!"

For long time now I have wanted to be something that everyone could be proud of. Be someone everyone could respect. I wanted to make something of my life. I had spent the best part of my teenage years disappointing everyone. I took a couple of years out of my life to do some soul searching. That was when I decided to make the decision to join the army.

For the first time in a long time I felt proud. I felt like my life was finally taking hold. Not long after I was posted to my unit I was informed that I would be on my way to Iraq. This was news that I was happy to hear. For me this was a chance to prove myself