The Odds are Good

         “I’ll see you later tonight.

         “No, no problem.  Everything is going to change this weekend.”

         “I’ll see you at 8:00.  Meet me at the bar at Yabbies.”

         Chills ran down Maddie’s spine.  Who was meeting Ed at Yabbies? Maddie wondered.  Another recruiter probably. 

* * *

         “Guess what?” Maddie’s voice screeched over the phone. 

         “You and Ed are splitting.” I said.  Seemed logical.

         “No, I’m pregnant.”

         “Wow.  Is that good?”

         “Yes.  You know I want a baby.” 

         “But Maddie, last month you almost split up.  That must have been some make up.  Does Ed want this? “

         “Yes.  He’ll be thrilled.  This will change everything.”

         I kind of doubted her assessment of Ed’s feelings but kept my mouth shut.  “Are you sure you’re pregnant?”

         “Well yes.  I’ve taken a drug store test.  I haven’t seen the doctor yet.”

         “Maddie.  Are you sure this is what you want?”

         “Yes.  I can make my marriage work.  I’ll try a little harder and everything will be fine.  A new baby changes everything.”

         “Well, I’m happy for you then.  Can’t wait to shop for those cute little baby clothes.”

          “I’m so excited.  Have you given up?  You used to talk about a baby all the time.”

         “I don’t think Derek can take time from his drinking to conceive.”

         “I think I hear Ed now. Got to go.  You know how mad he gets when dinner isn’t ready.”

         “Yeah.  I know but you work too.  Maybe he should cook you dinner tonight.  After all, it’s a special occasion.”

         “Right.  What are you doing tonight?”

         “Actually, I’m going to meet Derek for dinner.  We’re going to Gelco’s.”

         “Trẻs chic.  Have fun.  I’ll talk to you tomorrow. “

* * *
         But Derek didn’t come home to go out to dinner with me.  I poured a glass of wine, but instead of drinking it, I decided to find out if he was where I suspected.  I walked a few blocks to the Black Magic where he usually stopped after work.  The night was brisk and the wind brightened my checks.  I was right.  He was there.  I looked in the large front windows to see him laughing with his brother.  I came close to going in just to see if he’d remember we had a date but decided it wasn’t worth it.  I knew my sarcasm was ready to erupt like a pot roast in a pressure cooker and we would end up fighting.  Plus, I had a big day after work.  I had started litigation classes.  Legal secretaries in San Francisco are a hot commodity and I wanted to warm up my hiring potential.  My intentions were good, but once back home I realized I was as restless as a puppy.  I was sure I wanted to excel in the lit class.  I wasn’t so sure about my marriage.

Maddie and I have the same birth date one year apart.  We have always believed this is a sign that our fates were as intertwined.  We were often mistaken for sisters, primarily because of our varying shades of blonde ala L’Oreal which further reinforced our belief.  We talk daily, giggle and pondered weighty issues like “expanding our horizons.”  We both knew we were destined for more.  The news of Maddie’s pregnancy shocked me and then sent me into an irrational fear.  What if I was pregnant too?  We had so much in common -- same birthday, looked alike, faltering marriages.  We fit the adage that people who live together start to look alike.  What if my reproduction followed hers?  I knew I wouldn’t be as elated as Maddie appeared.  I’d go into a panic.  Stop being childish and silly.  This is not scientifically possible.  I tried to focus on something tangible – like the fact that Derek and my sex life was barren as 

Maddie and I had been friends for almost 15 years.  We met right after my graduation from college.  I drove across the country from NY with one of my college roommates and stayed.  I was a naïve upstate New Yorker and on that 3,000 mile drive I experienced my first gay bar in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, my first tornado in Kansas, my first Mexican food in New Mexico but when I reached San Francisco I knew I wanted to stay.  I loved the weather.  It was like spring or fall all the time.  I loved the hills.  I knew at the top of each grade there would be another panoramic view:  The ocean, the Transamerica building, Coit Tower, the Gold Gate and if it was foggy, I loved it even better.  I couldn’t understand all the complaining about the incessant fog.  When thick cottony fog covered the bridges and the tops peaked out, I inhaled the sight.  I loved the fresh, salty air and wind.  The restaurants I quickly found out were not like in NY.  There were fresh vegetables even in the winter.  There was chateaubriand, artichokes, avocadoes and tons of sea food.  I had never had an artichoke or avocado until SF – I loved California cuisine.

Maddie had been praying for a baby for years but since she’d passed the 35 year mark, she had apparently given up.  Now for some reason, the timing must have been right or her Saturn moon was in her horizon or something like that.  Or she and the postman were opening mail together.  Our talk of motherhood had diminished over the last few years.  I loved Derek but I couldn’t compete with the bar and I never knew what to expect if he was drinking -- The amorous Derek or the argumentative Derek.  I was grateful on those late nights when he fell on the bed with his clothes on and passed out.  I was less so when he leaned over the side of the bed and vomited.  I cleaned up the vomit rather than trying to wake Derek.  It was the easy way out.   

Derek couldn’t drink and work so his construction business was not doing well.  I found myself considering a split more and more frequently, wondering what it would be like on my own.  I vacillated between throwing in the towel and making it work.  I had less faith in the power of a baby to save a relationship.

* * *

         Maddie’s impending motherhood buoyed her and she fell into the role like.  I began to this might be the resurgence her marriage needed. 

Her bubble was about to burst.

         I picked up the ringing phone at my desk, recognizing Maddie’s home number.  Why was she home?

         “Hello little mother.”  She burst into tears.  “I’m not pregnant any more.”

         “What?” 

“I miscarried.”

         “Oh, Maddie.  I’m sorry.  I’m coming over.  Is Ed there?” 

“No.”

Maddie was inconsolable.  I brought her soup and a movie but she just cried.  I felt so sorry for her.  I told her she should try again.  I think that was the wrong thing to say.  She cried even harder.  I wondered if her marriage would survive.

* * *

Derek apologized profusely about standing me up so we had another date.  On my way to meet Derek, I spotted Ed.  I waved but stopped short.  The look on his face alarmed me.  He was opening the car door for a woman – a well-endowed, surgically-enhanced woman.  I turned the corner not wanting to see any more.  I was already too suspicious.  I need a little walk before meeting Derek anyway and he could always occupy himself with another drink.  Escorting a woman to your car means nothing, I told myself.  It’s so insignificant, I don’t think I need to mention it to Maddie.  You coward.  Maddie is my friend.  I should tell her everything.  But she is so happy.  My moral dilemma ricocheted in my brain like stray bullets threatening a headache.  I hadn’t decided what to do when I reached the Black Magic so put I put my decision on hold hoping to stave off a headache. 

         “Hi Hon,” Derek said.  I could tell from his flush and sparkling eyes that he’d had enough time down several drinks before my arrival.

* * *

I continued to struggle with my marital issues but, the last straw came on New Year’s Eve.  On that last night of the year, Derek, my husband, called to say he was stopping for a quick drink with his coworkers.  I knew I could place money of the fact that I was going to be home alone sans hats and horns so I invited Maddie over.  I made popcorn and rented movies and Maddie and I gave each other facials and made plans for the New Year and our “New Horizon”. 

When Derek came home at 7:00 a.m., still under the influence, I told him I wanted to separate.  Insulated with alcohol, he didn’t falter at his impending address change and I was buoyant at the prospect of my new freedom. 
 
* * *

         Maddie and I can be ready for an outing faster than the Discovery shuttle can attain lift off.  Our intent was a movie but we decided to deliberate first over a pizza and a beer.  Maddie still needed some cheering.

“Move over and let a real woman sit down,” Maddie said as she gave me a hip bump before sitting.  I nearly burst my jeans trying to stifle a giggle and choked on my beer.  I never grew tired of that line and each time I heard it, I laughed like it was the first time.  We scanned the movie ads but my attention was diverted by the personals.  I started chuckling at the possibilities.

         “Hey, Maddie!  Look at this ad.  ‘Down to earth, mature man with a sense of humor wants adventurous mature lady for fun or more.’  He’s our age too.” 

         “Just what I need -- a boyfriend and a husband.” 

“No silly.  He’s for me.” 

“I thought you were through with men.”

“No.  Just husbands.  But there seems to be a scarcity.”

“Then try Alaskan not San Francisco.” Maddie laughed. 

* * *

To me Sunday night is sacred stemming from my childhood.  When my siblings and I bathed on Sunday, we lined up on the couch squeaky clean before we could watch The Ed Sullivan show.  Now I watched Sex in the City reruns and as I polished my nails, another Sunday ritual, the phone rang.  I hesitated but couldn’t resist and picked up.

         “He wrote to me again,” Maddie whispered into the phone.

         “Who?” I asked, puzzled.

         “The guy in Alaska.  You’ve got to read his letter.  Let’s go for a beer.”  I assumed Ed, her husband, was near impeding her conversation. 

         “Oh, no.  Not on Sunday,” I sighed.

         “It’ll only be for one beer for an hour.”

         “Yeah.  I’ve heard that one-hour-one-beer song and dance before.”  I could tell Maddie was as jumpy as popcorn, so I blew my wet nails, pulled on my jeans, and hoped I hadn’t just ruined my new manicure.
         
* * *
         “Listen to what he says.”  Maddie started reading before our beer arrived.  “I’ll capture the stars from the midnight sky and the sunlight reflecting off the rainbows and tie a ribbon around them for you.”

         How long have you two been writing?

         “About three weeks.  He’s rather interesting.  He’s has a snow plowing business.”

         “Well, that’s the place for it.  I can’t decide if he’s romantic or phony.”  I wasn’t very impressed.

“He’s a romantic. I’m dying to meet him.“

“Ed will love that.  Are you inviting him for a visit?”

“No silly.  I’d have to go there.”

“Good thing I didn’t bring you a paper from Russia.  Ed will never let you visit Alaska no matter what story you come up with.  He’ll have a hemorrhage.”

         “Yeah, he might get a little testy,” she laughed nervously at her understatement.  “But it just isn’t working.  Since I lost the baby, it just doesn’t seem worth it.” 

“Have you talked to E?”  I wondered what was going on.  We both knew Ed could get nasty but if their relationship was over she could meet whomever she wants.  But Alaska? 

“Well, I don’t know what to do. . . I must be crazy.  Forget it.  Besides how can I leave you?” 

That’s more like it.  Life went on as usual and Maddie gave up on Alaska.   

***

         “If you go on that trip, take everything.  You are not coming back here.”

Maddie wasn’t braced for Ed’s outburst when she suggested a trip.  She knew he didn’t really care about her so his phony rage made her angry and all she could do was cry.  The madder she got, the more she cried which prevented her from yelling back.  Ed opened the bedroom window, yanked open her drawer and grabbed a handful of sweaters and tossed them out, “There I’ll help you pack.  You’ll need sweaters.”  Then fear dried her tears.

Maddie arrived at my house face swollen with two suitcases and three garbage bags of clothes.  “Can I spend the night?” 

“Let me guess.”

A lonely tear managed to escape and slide down Maddie’s cheek almost making me tear up.  I had hoped my nagging gut feeling that Alaska wasn’t forgotten but my gut was right.  It wasn’t.

“What did you say?”

“That I wanted to take a little vacation.  He went into a rage and said I could leave anytime but not to come back.  He said he’d divorce me.  Then he started throwing my clothes out the window.  Now I’m afraid to go back.”

“Why didn’t you just tell him you wanted to split?  What does this guy have or is home just too intolerable?”  Maddie’s eyes were welling again.  I felt sorry for her but I guess I didn’t want to be left behind.  And would Alaska be an improvement?

So I couldn’t prevent Maddie from taking off to Alaska.  I didn’t blame her.  She left everything as if she didn’t have a care in the world.  What would a couple of weeks in Alaska hurt?  She’d come back refreshed and appreciative of her life.  Might even help her marriage though I thought that might require a miracle. 

***

When she disembarked from the bumpy Alaskan Airlines ride, she recognized Bill immediately from his description even without the sign he carried.  He was bearded, burly and unkempt -- handsome in a cavalier way.  He approached Maddie and ventured, “Maddie?”  She immediately loved his hesitancy. 

“That’s me.”  Maddie gave him a gingerly hug and they headed for his parked truck.  It was beautiful sunny day in Anchorage and the surrounding mountains provided a postcard view.  Maddie was ready for anything.  Bill opened the truck door for Maddie and when he closed it the rattling nearly shook it off the frame.  He was unfazed.  He got in the truck and reached for the keys, hesitated, looked at Maddie and reached for her face kissing her gently.  His breath quickened and he gathered her to him gently guiding her head so he could kiss her fully.  His beard tickled.  She let him enfold her. 

***
“It’s so beautiful here and he’s so romantic.  You must visit.  I think you’d like it.” Maddie gushed when she called me. 

“What do you do for fun?  Watch glaciers melt?”

“Very funny.  There are lots of single men.”

         I had to give her credit.  She had the guts to go for the gusto.  She deserved the adventure. 

***

         Though we talked on the phone almost daily, I was lonely.  Maddie wasn’t down the street anymore.  She was a 5 hour plane ride away – a bumpy one.  I couldn’t believe how much I missed her and how often I fought tears. 

I raced to the phone to catch our regular nightly call.  I washed dishes while talking and was getting a crick in my neck from holding the damn phone but it was worth it.  But this time it wasn’t Maddie.  It was Ed. 

         “Have you heard from Maddie?” he asked me knowing full well that we talk daily. 

         “No.”  I lied.  “Not in a few days.”  I was sure he knew my nose was growing. 

         “OK.  Well I know where she is.  Just wondered if she’s coming back.  If you talk to her tell her I’m looking for her.”

“Ok.  I’m sure she’ll be back soon.”  I had to report to Maddie.  But it took us several days to connect, which was a rarity and I started to worry.

When I finally reached her, before I said anything, she said, “Ed was here.  Scared me to death.  I looked out the window and there he was.  Bill answered the door and told him that I wasn’t here.  They had quite a shouting match and Bill escorted him off the porch.  Now he’s stalking me I suppose.  I may need to get a gun. “

         “I had a funny feeling when he called me that he wasn’t going to go away quietly.  You’d better be careful, Maddie.  Aren’t you coming home soon?”

         “I’m not sure.  I might stay longer.  I have Bill for protection here.” she giggled nervously.

She might stay longer.  How long was that?  My heart lurched and my stomach clenched.  What about our plans I wanted to scream.  She insisted that Bill wasn’t pressuring her to stay.  It was her decision.  Like hell!!  I’ll just bet a man who had seen nothing but bears for months wouldn’t pressure a beautiful blonde.  I needed to talk Maddie out of this little adventure and ignore our unwritten rule: no preaching.  To pick up and move to Alaska after a couple of letters and a week of sex was not Maddie.  I felt forsaken. I had to focus and come up with a plan.  I was desperate.  Or was it envy? 

I packed my desk on Wednesday, October 18, 1989 wishing Maddie was nearby.  At 5:03 the floor of my law firm jolted -- the building rocked.  Earthquake.  This was a big one.  I scurried under my desk dropping my stapler on my toe, my heart pounding.  My mouth was so dry I couldn’t swallow and my hands were so wet they left prints on the carpet.  The earth settled down in a few seconds and everyone in the office scurried to the window to look check outside to see if the world was ending.  There was broken glass glistening like jewels 30 stories below but it looked like the world was still there.  We were not allowed to leave the building.  Downtown high rises keep everyone sequestered after an earthquake.  We had supplies but everyone headed to the kitchen in search of alcohol.  The refrigerator had on lonely beer and we passed it around for everyone to have a sip.  Not much of a high though I was lucky.  I’ve always felt the first sip of alcohol and everyone thereafter.  There was no official announcement that we could leave, everyone just started walking down the 30 flight of stairs. 

I’d always walked home from Montgomery and Battery so  no big deal.  People in the East and South Bay were not so lucky.  I didn’t see that much damage as I headed up the hill but I walked cautiously near the street looking for falling glass.  Luckily there was none because my eye would have been lacerated.  I was new at detecting falling debris.  It was the Marina and the Bay Bridge that caved in but I didn’t know that at the time. 

For three days after the earthquake, there was no electricity so no refrigeration so businesses distributed anything that need refrigeration.  There was free ice cream for the kids and free beer for adults.  San Francisco partied and bonded.  Stores handed out free anything before it melted.  Every bar in the city was open and selling drinks for whatever price one could afford and lit by candles.  The mood was convivial.  We were all in this together.  I loved SF even more though I tiptoed after the first aftershock.  There could be more.  I replenished by brandy supply.  I had to cook everything in my freezer and I joined everyone on the street cooking outside on the sidewalk.  The candles lent an air of romance and adventure.  There were no schedules, no work and plenty of alcohol.  Anyone with our without food joined in whatever party was in progress.  It was a time of sharing. 

         After a couple of days things started to calmed down.  I walked down the Marina to look at the damage.  Not one single building had escaped the earth’s movement.  I was glad I had moved from the Marina and lived on the solid Russian Hill.  I had only a couple of cracks in my apartment Hallway.  Nothing broke.  The Bay Bridge was another story.  My family in New York finally got through to me and told me of the devastation reported in all the newspapers.  I assured them I was ok though I was boiling water to bathe. 

* * *
         After the earthquake, I had an epiphany.  Anything could happen and I wanted to see Maddie.  I decided to make plans.           

  “Hey, Maddie.  I’m coming for a visit – if you’re going to be there,” I told her on our next phone call hoping I didn’t sound like I had been crying.  I missed Maddie and she was frantically trying to reach me during the aftermath of the earthquake.  But within a few days the phones were working and the news of the Loma Prieta quake probably wasn’t enticing her back. 

“I found a mountain man too.  An Alaskan mountain man,” I teased.  I had grabbed another Anchorage paper wasn’t going to be outdone.  I hoped she didn’t detect my ubiquitous panic.  My newly single state, classes, missing friend and earthquakes were putting me on pins and needles. 
         
         Maddie laughed.  “You never could be outdone by me.  Have you written to this mountain man?”

         “Yes. I have.  Ron’s his name and he’s an entrepreneur.  He’s has a business selling baskets of romantic paraphernalia.  You know a love story on tape, a candle, bubble bath.”

          “Tell him not to forget the chewing tobacco and rifle in those baskets.  Never know when you’ll have to tangle with a bear or enter a spitting contest.”  Maddie was only half kidding because she had already encountered a bear and insisted in having a loaded rifle at her disposal.

         “Very funny.  His business’s name is Aurora Borealis,” I announced. 

         “Everyone here uses that name.” Maddie chuckled. 

“Well if you’re interested, I thought I’d visit you and meet Ron on the same trip.  Kill two bears with one stone.  You keep telling me there are eligible men there.”

“You know what we say – ‘the odds are good but the goods are odd.’” Maddie laughed.  “I can’t wait.  I need my best friend closer.  Hope you fall madly in love.” 

         “Why don’t we skip the preliminaries and start working on our children’s names.”  I laughed.  “I have to perfect my tobacco-chewing technique.” 

***

         I squeezed my way off the plane at the Anchorage airport standing on tippy toes to peer over heads searching for Maddie.  When I spotted her we ran to each other, hugged, jumped up and down and screamed like two teenagers. 

         “So this is where you live,” I said derisively, more sure than ever that Maddie would return home.  “Where’s Bill?”  I couldn’t wait to meet him.   

         “He's letting us do our thing tonight.  I told him we needed some time alone.”

         “He’s okay with that?”  I was relieved to have some alone to tinker with her brain.

         “Of course, silly.” 

         Maddie told me about her life with Bill on the drive to my hotel emphasizing the romance.  But she finally got to the reality.  “But here’s the truth.  We live in a cabin with no electricity, no indoor plumbing, and no carpets on the floor – actually no floors.  They’re dirt.”  Maddie added, “I’d kill for a hair dryer.”

         From what I’d seen of Anchorage, I was beginning to see why she would choose it over San Francisco.  It was a dusty little town with tons of natives but there were lots of bars with dull hardwood floors and always lined with unkempt men –mountain men – burly and bearded.  Anchorage was filled with fruit and vegetable stands feature amazing produce.  The distant snow covered mountains provided a contrasting background and I began to appreciate the beauty of Alaska.  Now I wanted to see what Bill offered?

* * *
         We drove to my motel that was to be the center of my universe while in Alaska.  I had elected to stay outside of Anchorage since it was much closer to Maddie’s rural abode.  It was a real country motel with a bar, restaurant and country band.  I dropped my luggage in my room then we headed to the bar where the band was playing.  We requested every Patsy Cline tune we knew which turned out to be two.  The band played them over and over while Maddie and I sang louder with each successive rendition and waved for another beer.

         I awoke at 4:00 a.m. the next morning to find it was brilliant daylight.  My four hours of sleep hadn’t been very refreshing and my dehydration and headache forced me out of bed in search for water.  Unable to locate any amenities, I wrapped my mouth around the faucet and gulped warm water.  Since dinner hadn’t fit into the schedule the night before, I was starved and decided to experience Alaska like real frontier woman and forage for food at a nearby 7-11.  I didn’t have a rifle so anything more rural than 7-11 would be too challenging in my condition.   

         In a heavy mist, I started down the empty highway fortified with warm water and aspirin.  The morning walk was a lot longer than the drive had been the night before and it was after 5:00 when I walked into the tiny country store to purchase over-priced orange juice, an apple, crackers and Advil.  Aspirin wasn’t cutting it.  I knew that the scratch in my throat would turn into a cold within a day or two and I wouldn’t be belting out any Patsy Cline tunes tonight.   

         Maddie met me for breakfast and we ordered the lower half of the menu.  “Where’s Bill?  Am I ever going to meet him?” I asked.

         “Yes, he’s meeting us later and we’ll see the Alaskan sights.” 

         “Hey did you bring the picture of Ron?”  Maddie asked.

         “Sure did.’  I extracted the picture from my purse that Ron had sent and handed it to Maddie and watched as her face blanched.

         I asked, “What’s wrong?”

         “This is Bill.”

         I choked on my home fries.  “Are you kidding?”

         “No.”  Maddie started to cry softly.  “What the h. . .” I watched Maddies’ face change as she mentally processed this information.  I remained dumbfounded. 

“We’ll have a little surprise at dinner,” Maddie stated anger drying her tears.  I was fuming at whatever his name was. 

         “Don’t you want to talk to him alone?” 

         “No!”  Maddie answered emphatically.  “You sent him your picture didn’t you?”

         “Oh yes.  He’ll know it’s me.  How strong’s his heart?”

         “That’s not the body part that he should be worried about.”

         “Planning?  For what?” I asked.

         “Our evening.”

         The look on her face unsettled me.

***
         We selected a table in clear view of the door and watched for Bill’s entrance.  Maddie seemed cool as a cucumber. 

         I spotted him and recognized his beard and lopsided smile.  He jauntily entered the restaurant waving and eagerly approaching the table.  I don’t know if he recognized me or deciphered Maddie’s strange smile but as he approached, he slowed and haltingly raised both arms as if in surrender.  I rose and walked toward him and took his face in my hands and kissed him with as much fake passion as I could muster.  He pulled back and looked at me, then Maddie.  His radar was up. 

         Maddie said, “So you know my friend.” 

         “No, I don’t think so.” Ron lamely answered.

         “You don’t think she looks familiar? “

         “Nope.”  He was down to one word.

         “You are a liar.  You wrote to her and sent her your picture.  You also told her you couldn’t wait to meet her.  So here she is.  You must be very happy.  You’ve been busy.  How many other letters have you written?”

         “No wait, Maddie.  You’ve got it wrong.” 

“I doubt that.  You were writing to I don’t know how many women while you told me you loved me.  You accepted my money for your new business.  We made plans.  You are a low-life.  I’m going to make sure everyone in this God-forsaken state knows about you.  You are scum.” 

         Bill was dumbfounded.  He looked straight at Maddie.  His face drained of color and he seemed to have lost his power of speech.  He was not so hypnotic now.

Maddie’s lip trembled, “I am glad I found out about you now.  Don’t bother coming home tonight.  You won’t be able to get in.  If you do, you may be sorry,” she said coolly as her fist clenched her knife.  “Meanwhile, tomorrow I’m going out for pizza with my friend.  In San Francisco.  Then you are welcome to your shack. “

We returned to the city I loved.  My best friend and I were going out for pizza and who knows what else.