meeting new ppl

Raj Malhotra,
  I met him on Yahoo messanger in a chat room .I basically started to talk to him because of his name Raj Malhotra.At that time I was in love with the characer of Raj Malhotra in the hindi movie Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge.So i was highly taken aback by his name.I was sixteen years old, new to the interent chatting mania , and he was twenty five years and stayed in with his family.I never got to see how he looked in real life. He did sent a photo of his but it was too hazy.I chatted with him for hours and enjoyed it too.We spoke about many things beginning from family, friends, likes , dislikes, dreams, fun and sad moments ,Everything we chatted was more or else general until his way of writing and addressing me changed gradually.I guessed he started liking me.I was too naive about these kind of feelings then and was not even sure what i felt for him. Only that I was comfortable talking to him.With his way of wiritng slowly changing I was feeling wierd rather something that made me not so free with him in sharing my feelings or what I thought.We stayed in connection via email for almost four years until I was in college . It began ending when one day He emailed me that he was coming to Calcutta where i stayed , and that he wanted to meet me. By that time i was sure he had feelings ,more than just liking , for me.There was a strange feeling inside me. He had bought a new car , indica something in blue and he was coming with it from Jamshedpur .I dont remember what he was doing in Jamshedpur.i too wanted to meet him.I was 20 yrs and also had developed little liking for him.May be i was totally wrong but I felt he would have proposed me when we met.I am kind of a person who some how lost beleive in relationships.Since childhood with many experiences and too much of observing nature of mine I had concluded in my heart that relationships are obligatory for life as much as television or car or necessary things but they all come with a prise and they never last. Infact there is too much of selfishness in it.I would do all the necessary duties required for the relations already existing by nature but geting into a new one was very very scary to me.I knew i had feeling for him and was scared to face him for things might become serious.So I did not meet him. After some days i mailed him but he never answered to my mails nemore. I felt very sad as if I have lost something . I read his emails I had saved ,often  and miss him a lot. Till today , I am 26 now,I feel horrible, sad, that i might have hurt him and I should have met him once. I lacked the courage..Hope he forgave me and is happy wherever he is. I remember whenever i said him i was a little plump he always replied " I like plump girls , they look more girly".
      I am just like a ship, always sailing, coming close to shore , staying there for somedays may be months but just cannot jump onto the shore or land there and become a car. I am the ship and cannot forget the free flowing water under the huge sky . People hardly understand me. Raj where ever you are ..I don't even know whether you will ever read this ... but do forgive me ...I did like you a lot but not everything has to culminate into love ...and also i still miss you. .