No Time for GOodbye

    “Do you really have to go?” 13 year old Susan Gin asked. Her voice was filled with worry. Her oldest brother, Jason, was leaving for the army in two days. She was only thirteen; he was twenty-one. He was her hero. If she was ever feeling down, Jason would come and comfort her. He was an eternal optimist. She tended to be rather sarcastic. Her friends always laughed at everything she said, even if she said it seriously. It drove her crazy. But, when she felt like she was going to explode, there was one thing that could calm her down. Writing. She loved to write short stories, and she used them to express herself. It helped; by the time she would be halfway through one, she would feel totally calm and in control again. She would stop writing for a while, and save it for the next time that she felt ready to blow.  Jason had read every one of her stories, and he was always full of praise. Now he was leaving. What would she ever do without him? What if he got injured, or even killed? Susan couldn’t bear the thought of anyone hurting her brother. She needed him to comfort her when she was sad, to hold her hand when she was afraid, to laugh with her when she needed him to. That was what he always did. Did it really have to end? He had promised to write to them, but it would take a long time to get the mail from across the sea. Why did he do it? He didn’t have to. She needed him more than the army did. He was her brother, not a soldier. How she loathed the war. Why did it ever have to start anyway? Why couldn’t they just use something else, like a game of chess, where no one gets killed, instead? Probably because it was too easy. She snorted disdainfully, momentarily forgetting that she was not alone in the room. Jason was also there.
    “Susan.” The sound of Jason’s voice snapped her out of her reverie.
    “What?”
  “What are you thinking about?” he patted the couch beside him, and she grudgingly stood up to sit by him.
    “Why, Jason? Why do you have to go? Why does there have to be war? War tears people apart. It will break a lot of hearts. One stupid war. A million loving hearts.” Susan’s voice was hard, angry. She felt her eyes fill with tears as Jason put his arm around her shoulder. “Please, Jason. I’m begging you. Don’t go. I need you so much.” Her voice cracked, and sobs shook her body.
    Jason’s voice was quiet, soothing. “It’s going to be okay. You’ll be fine. I’m coming home for Christmas.”
    “But, that’s two months away,” she cried.
    “I know, but it will be fine.” He tried to calm her, but she was inconsolable. For a few moments there was a tranquil silence, broken only by her sniffling. She wiped her eyes roughly. She was thirteen, too old to be crying.
    “You want to know something?”
    She looked at him tearfully.
  “It’s okay to cry. Crying shows you have a heart. So, when I’m gone, and you ever feel like crying, it’ll be okay. Just remember that.” Jason’s looked at her with his deep brown eyes full of love and compassion. “No matter how far away I go, you’ll forever be my sister. I’m proud of you. Really I am. I have reason to be. You’re the best sister anyone could ever have.”
  They hugged tightly, and held on to each other for a long time.
“You know what Jason? You’re the best big brother ever. I love you.”
  “I love you too, Susan.” Susan would never forget that night. Never, as long as she lived.
*        *      *
2 months later

  “Mom, when is Jason coming home?” Grace Gin looked down at her daughter. Susan’s straight dark hair framed her face, and her brown eyes shone with excitement. She had asked the same question about thirty times already. Each time the answer was the same. 
    “Soon, honey. Any minute now. He should be almost here. Dad said he would pick him up at the airport at 11:30, and it would be another half hour until they would be here. It’s…” Grace glanced briefly at her watch. “11: 57, which means they should be home within the next ten minutes.”
    Susan went back to setting the table, setting one extra place for Jason. She smiled broadly. She had written four more stories, but not because she was angry, but because they were for Jason. They were stories for Jason only, and she had written them out of love for him. Susan heard a car pull into the driveway, and ran to the window to find out if it was them.
      “Mom! Their here!” Susan ran to the door and threw it open. There, standing before her, was Jason. She flung her arms around him, and hugged him for a long time. When she pulled back, she looked at him. He was taller, his features more distinguished. His army uniform looked stiff and clean. Grace Gin came to the door and embraced her son for a long while. She had tears in her eyes, and she repeated his name over and over. Jason’s smile lit up his face as he looked around at his family gathered around him. They were complete, and nothing could change that.
*  *    *    *
6 years later

  Susan Gin walked slowly towards the beach, dreading what was about to come in the next week. Her brother, Jason, had enlisted in the army when he was 21. The first year wasn’t so bad for them. He was only in training, so he could come home quite often. The second year, he could only come home for special days, and holidays. By the fourth year, he came home only for Christmas. Now, he was gone. He had been killed in combat after six years of serving his country. Susan felt a sudden surge of anger at whoever had killed him. He was her best friend, her only brother. He didn’t deserve to die. He was the most patient, kindest person she knew. If only he was still there to hold her hand and encourage her when she was feeling sad, to laugh with her, and to cry with her when she needed him to. She never had a chance to say goodbye. Whenever they had talked about death, he had told her that he would always come back to her, that he would never leave her. She had never liked to believe that he might be killed one day, so she just tried to believe him. But now he would never tell her that again. She felt tears run down her cheeks, and suddenly rain began to pour down, mingling with her tears. She looked up at the sky, and saw a brilliant flash of lightning. Just as suddenly as it had appeared, it faded. She thought about Jason, how his life had faded just like the lightning bolt. Life was so fragile. She had never seen it that way before, but Jason had also been there before. Without Jason, it felt like her world had been turned upside down. Jason had been everything for her. She didn’t see how she would make it through his funeral. When she got to the beach, she took off her shoes and tied them together, and then took off her socks and stuffed them into her shoes. She ran towards the water, and walked in the gentle surf lapping up over her feet. She began to run, and ran for about an hour, back and forth across the beach in the surf. The light breeze blew her hair out of her face, drying it from the rain and the tears. She thought of what Jason would have said if he saw the sun shining through the clouds. He probably would’ve said something about happiness shining through in the hard times. Susan stopped running and sat down, letting the sand sift through her toes. She had done this many times with Jason. She wanted to do something to honor Jason, even though he was gone, and couldn’t see her. She pondered it for a long while. Just when she was ready to get up and go home, she had a sudden brain wave. She could do just like Jason did. Join the army. She felt suddenly furious, and had nowhere to direct her anger. She would apply tomorrow. First, she had to go home and tell her parents about her decision. She had thought about it before, but not really seriously. But now, she was serious. More serious then ever before. She would do it tomorrow. She ran home. Her parents couldn’t stop her. They wouldn’t. She was nineteen. She ought to be allowed to make her own decisions. As she neared her home, she began to mentally prepare what she was going to say. She figured it out and began running. She reached home within a few minutes and ran inside. Both of her parents were sitting in the living room. Her mother’s eyes were red and puffy, her face streaked with tears. Her dad gripped the armrests of his chair, his eyes glued to a spot on the floor. 
    “Hey,” she said breathlessly.
Her dad looked up briefly, but his eyes soon strayed back to a spot on the gray carpet. She planted a kiss on his forehead, and went over to hug her mother. Neither said a word.
    “I thought of something while I was on the beach. I want to do something for Jason.” Her voice cracked, and she swallowed hard before continuing.
    “I’m going to join the army.” Her father looked up, startled.
  “What?!” he asked incredulously. “Why would you do that?”
  “To honor Jason.” Her voice was soft, and they had to strain to hear her. Her father settled back in his chair, his face thoughtful.
    “Did you think ever consider the seriousness, the risks, of joining the army?”
    “Yes, Daddy. I did. For a long time. I want to do this. For Jason.” She smiled through her tears. “Jason loved us with all his heart. I could see it, feel it. The way he would stay by our side through thick and thin, that was his way of showing his love. Supporting us with his whole heart. I think…” her voice cracked, and fresh tears fell onto her cheeks.
    “I think that he would be happy if I went to the army.”
    “Yes.” Her mother’s voice was so soft Susan could barely hear her. “I think he would.” Susan went to her mother and they clung to each other. Her father came and put his arms around the two of them, resting his chin on Grace’s head.
    “I love you, Susan. You too, Grace.” His voice was deep and rough. Susan squeezed her eyes closed and stayed that way for a long time, knowing that her family would stick together. They might fight once in a while, but they loved each other more than words could say.
*    *    *    *
  3 months later

Susan Gin walked slowly to the airport terminal, on her way home. It was Christmas, so the airport was extra busy. She had been in the army for just three months, and she was still in training. Every day reminded her of Jason. She wasn’t sure she was ready to face the onslaught of memories that attacked her daily. By the end of each day of learning how to use the weapons, target practice, and all of the other drills, her ears were ringing, and she had a killer headache. She wrote one letter home every day of the army, and they were usually sent out a few days later. She got a few in return, updates on the news at home. Nothing really interesting. There would be a lot to catch up on, even though they had communicated by letters. Susan wasn’t sure if she would be able to say goodbye to her family and all of her friends for the second time. She had to, though. Jason had managed, so she could too. She boarded her plane and found a seat near the window where she could see the world beneath her. She felt closer to Jason when she was in the air, even though she was no closer to him than she was when she was on the ground. She felt her eyes sting with tears. She turned to the window so that none of the other passengers would see her cry. She thought about her family and friends back at home, how lonely it was without them. Suddenly, a deep voice interrupted her thought.
        “Excuse me, Ma’am, but is this seat taken?”
      Susan turned and smiled briefly at the young man standing beside the seat next to her.
        “No, Sir. You can take it.” He smiled back at her and sat down.
    “By the way, my name is Adam. Adam Smith.”
    “Susan Gin. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Smith.
  “Please. Call me Adam. Mr. Smith makes me sound so old.
    “All right, Adam.”
  “Tell me about yourself. Where are you going? Where do you live?”
  “You’d be bored.”
  “Try me. You might be surprised.”
  “Okay. I’m just coming home. I live on the military base.”
    “Really? What a coincidence! I’m surprised we haven’t met each other before then.”
  Susan looked at him strangely. “You mean you’re in the army too?”
    “That I am. For about a year now.”
      “I’ve only been in it for about 3 months. Why did you join the army anyway?”
    Adam closed his eyes. “My dad was in the army. He was killed 2 years after he enlisted. I hardly knew him. What about you? What made you want to join the army?”
    Susan swallowed hard. What was she doing here, about to tell a total stranger why he joined the army? She realized that she had walked into a trap. She would have to answer. He was bound to understand. He said that his dad was killed in the army. Now it was her turn.
    “My brother.”
    “Sibling rivalry got the best of you? You just had to get away?”
    “Actually, we were best friends. Jason was 8 years older than me, but he always let me tag along with him when he hung out with his buddies.” Her voice cracked, and she angled her head so that Adam wouldn’t see her tears slipping down her cheeks.

      “When he enlisted in the army six years ago, I was devastated. It was like I lost a part of me. He was my best friend. He came home for all of the bigger holidays, but he could never stay home for very long. I’ll never forget the first Christmas. My dad had gone to the airport to pick him up, while my mother and I prepared a feast for when they returned. It had never felt so good to see Jason sitting across the table from me. He was wearing his uniform, sitting stiffly until my mom suggested that he go change into something more comfortable. I think she said it more for our benefit then his. His uniform was a constant reminder to all of us that he would be leaving again in a few days. When he came back, his hands were filled with packages. He had had a little bit of time between flights at the airport, and instead of sleeping like he could have, he went shopping. He brought home all kinds of gifts for all of us. I was only thirteen at the time, but even at that age I thought that Jason’s arrival back at home was the best gift that he could give us. He made my mom so happy. All of those 4 days, her eyes were lit up like candles. Her smile never left her face when she saw us all together again. It was hard on all of us to see him walk away. Last time we saw him leave, he never came back.” She sniffed. “He was killed in combat just before I joined the army. The news came two weeks after. I miss him so much.” Adam put his arm around her. She glanced at him, and saw compassion is his dark blue eyes. She wiped her eyes roughly, embarrassed to have laid half of her life story before a perfect stranger.
    “Susan.” Adam’s voice was firm. “Look at me.” She glanced briefly at his face, but just as quickly she looked away.
    “Susan. It’s okay to cry. Crying shows you have a heart.”
  She stared down at her hands, silent. What could she say? This man didn’t even know her. Who was he to know about that stuff? She glanced briefly at his ring finger. No wedding band. She was surprised. Adam was a handsome man, very polite in his mannerisms. Maybe he had decided that he didn’t have time to get involved in anything personal. If he was killed, he would just hurt that someone else.
    “Adam, where are you headed?”
    “New York. My mom lives there.”
    “Really? So am I. When do you have to go back?”
    “I get 2 weeks. This is the longest holiday I’ll get in at least a year. It’ll definitely be the last one in a long time. Sometimes I think it’s harder to go home than to stay. When I go home, I always have to say goodbye again.”
      “I never really thought about it that way, but now that you put it that way, I agree. I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to say goodbye to my parents again.”
    “I don’t know how I’ll ever say goodbye to you. It feels so permanent, a goodbye. It feels like only minutes since I asked you if I could sit here, but it’s already been a few hours.”
          “Wow! I’m shocked. I didn’t realize that the time went by so fast. The flight is nearly over.”
          “Well, it looks like we’ll soon be going our separate ways, never to see each other again.” His voice had gotten lower and softer.
      “Not necessarily. We could meet up sometime in the next couple of days while we’re both still in New York. How about you phone me tomorrow?”
        “Sure!”
*    *    *    *
In New York

      The phone began to ring in the Gin household, and Susan jumped up and ran towards it.
    “I got it,” she shouted. She was home again, back in New York. It felt so good to hear the familiar sound of cars whizzing by, and to smell all of the smells of the city. She picked up the phone, and introduced herself. It was Adam.
    “Hey, Susan. You forgot to give me your number, so I just called directory and they told me. You want to meet me somewhere, and we can talk some more?”
    “Sure. Which part of New York are you staying in?”
    “The same one as you. I also got your address, so I know where you live.”
    “I was kind of thinking of going to the beach today, going for a run. You interested?”
    “That sounds great! I used to run a lot, but then what happened with my dad, and all…” his voice trailed off.
      “How soon can you be here?”
    “Give me ten minutes. I’ll be there.”
    “Great. See you later, Adam.”
  “Yeah,” he echoed. “Later.”
Susan hung up the phone and took off in search of her parents. They were in the living room. Her dad was reading the paper, and her mom was reading a magazine.
    “Hey. I’m outta here. I’m meeting a friend I met on the plane, and we’re going for a run together.” Her father set down his newspaper and raised his eyebrows.
        “And just who might this friend be?” he questioned.
    “Well, his name is Adam. Adam Smith. He’s in the army too. It was quite the coincidence that we met.”
      “Really. We’re going to have to meet this fellow, aren’t we, Grace.
      “That we are, Marcus, that we are.”
      “Guys! He’s just a friend!”
      “We’ll see about that, Susan.”
      “Bye!”
      “Yeah, bye! Have a good time with Adam.”
    “I’m sure I will!” With that, Susan headed out of the door. She hated it when her dad teased her about finding a boyfriend. She didn’t want to think about that. She had other commitments. And besides, the army took up all of her time. She almost laughed out loud, but then she remembered Jason. She could have prevented his death. She could have convinced him to stay home, to get a normal job like most guys his age would do, or to go to college or university to get a higher education and eventually become a highly respected man. She could’ve, but she didn’t. Had she really loved Jason? Remorse washed over her, and she tried not to break down, in spite of what Adam had said. She just couldn’t bear it. The guilt, the pain, it was too much. Why did he really have to die? She had so many questions, and so little answers. How she wished that Jason would come back to her, and that they could have a complete family again! Memories engulfed her, and she found it hard to breathe. She felt like screaming Jason’s name for the whole world to hear. She wanted to let everyone know who he was, and what a great brother and friend he had been. She wanted to see Jason just one more time, to say goodbye one last time. She hoped that he knew how much she loved him, and that she had wanted him to stay home and be there for her forever. But now he was gone. She felt as though someone had taken her and cut her in half. She was confused, disoriented. Why did she feel so guilty about Jason’s death? He wouldn’t have listened to her anyway. He had a mind of his own, and their parents had tried to convince him to stay, but it hadn’t worked. Each time he had said goodbye again. But now there would be no more goodbyes. Jason was gone forever. She felt tears slip down her cheeks and struggled to regain her composure. It seemed like she was always crying, ever since she had boarded the plane to come home. But was this really home? It felt strange and awkward without Jason around. She should have been used to it, because he had been gone for six years already, even though he died only a few months ago. She had seen him only a few times in all of the six years. There was a difference, she knew. When he was still alive, she knew he would always come home to her again. Now, it was so final, so permanent. She knew that something inside her had died. Before Jason left, if her friends would have thought that the world was crumbling around them just because they couldn’t go shopping, or they didn’t have a boyfriend, she might have sympathized. Now, she felt a cold hard anger towards herself for feeling that way. She had had everything. Two parents, a brother who was also her best friend, and anything else she could ever want. She had been spoiled rotten. Now, she hated that very fact. She hated the way she had always complained about everything. She began to run, letting the light breeze blow her hair off of her face. She felt the cool sensation of breathing in the frigid air, and smiled briefly. It was so good to be back in New York again. She was loving every minute of it, that was for certain. She continued to run, on down the highway leading to the beach. It was a little cold, so the beach would be deserted. Even most of the usual joggers would probably have stayed inside, expecting snow to fall. She saw the cemetery up ahead, and slowed to a walk. Her chest tightened, and she found it hard to breathe. Why did this have to be right there? There was no way to avoid it. She was going to visit Jason’s grave while she was in New York, but not on this particular day. She couldn’t. She stopped, her breath coming in irregular gasps. She wasn’t ready to go to the grave, where a cold stone jutted out of the ground, a harsh reminder to her and everyone around her that Jason was gone. She wanted to pound something. Instead, she just kept on running. If Adam didn’t beat her to the beach, she would head on home. She had changed her mind. She needed desperately to be alone, where she could sort out her thoughts in peace, where she could cry without having to worry about what other people might think. A thought formed inside of her head. Why not just go to the cemetery today? She could stay there for as long as she liked without interruption. That was what she wanted, wasn’t it? But was it enough? She couldn’t bear the thought of leaving without visiting Jason’s grave. But was she ready to do it? She wasn’t sure. She was almost at the beach. Just a little way farther. Could she really take off on Adam without speaking to him?  He would probably be angry at with her if she did. So what? Would she ever even see him again after today? Did it really matter that much? Adam might hate her for it, but so what? He was a perfect stranger after all. Or was he? Not really. He knew most of her life story. She knew a part of his. They actually had a lot in common. They were both in the army, they both loved soccer. She never wrote anymore. He wasn’t going to hear about that from her. She wondered if she still had the stories she wrote as a kid. She thought she did, but she wasn’t sure. She would have to check when she got home again. She reached the beach and looked around to see if Adam was already there. He was. He was sitting on a bench, a soccer ball on the ground by his feet. As soon as he saw her, he stood up and walked over. He extended his arms and hugged her for a minute, then let go.
      “Hey. How are you?” he stared into her eyes, his hands still on her shoulders.
    “Hey yourself,” she returned. “What’s with the soccer ball?”
    “I was just thinking that I might as well get my exercise at the same time. You up for kicking it around a bit?”
        “Sure! I’d love to. I haven’t kicked anything around for a long time, so don’t laugh at me if I suck at it.” Adam looked at her, his face serious.
          “You want to know why I really brought the ball along?”
          “You mean you were lying?”
        “Sort of. I figured you might have a lot of anger and guilt packed up inside of you, searching for a way to get out. I did right after my dad died. I used a brick wall. It helped for me. Maybe it’ll do the same for you.” Susan looked at him, amazed at how well he could read her thoughts and feelings. The way he said it made her fell as though it was written on her forehead. Why did she always have to trust a total stranger? It wasn’t right, and it didn’t seem fair that she had to have her emotions plastered on her face for everyone to see and pretend to understand. She ran over to the soccer ball, and dribbled it away from him. When she thought she was far enough away, she turned and booted it with all her might. It soared gracefully through the air, bouncing directly in front of Adam. He stuck out his foot and stopped the ball, then returned it with the same force as she had used. She clenched her teeth and kicked it again, harder this time. It sailed over his head, and he had to run to get it. He kicked it from where it was his kick straight and accurate. They passed it back and forth for a while, and finally she flopped down on the beach to rest. Adam came and laid down beside her, each lost in their own thoughts. Susan had released a lot of anger into her kicks. It had helped; now all she had to deal with was guilt. That she wasn’t sure what to do about it. She could go for counseling, but that wouldn’t work. She didn’t have time. Adam’s voice broke into her thoughts.
      “Do you ever think about quitting? Leaving the army, never to return again?”
      She sat up abruptly. “What?”
        “Would you ever quit the army? Go on holidays and never go back?”
      Her voice was a pained whisper. “I can’t. I said that I would go to the army for Jason. I can’t quit. He didn’t.”
        “I’ve thought about it, even though my father would have wanted me to stay.” His voice was gruff, full of pain. He had never talked to anyone about his father. It scared him. It showed him how short and fragile life was. He hated the thought of death.
      “I almost chickened out when I enlisted, but not quite.”
        “I’m glad you didn’t.”
    “Why?”
    “If you weren’t in the army, we wouldn’t have met. What would I do if you didn’t come to meet me here?”
      “Probably visiting your mom, or other friends.” She laughed softly, and then jumped up and hit him on the arm. “Tag! You’re it!” He jumped up and ran after her, and they played like kids for about half an hour before she tired and fell back onto the sandy beach, still laughing.
        “You know, Adam, you’re a great guy.”
      “You know, Susan, you great. For a girl.” He grinned, and she punched him lightly.
      “What do you mean, for a girl? Girls are better than guys are.”
    “Prove it. Tell me one good thing that girls are better at then guys are.”
    She thought for a moment. “Patience. We actually listen to what you have to say. Now it’s your turn. Beat that.”
      Adam stroked his chin and looked at her. “I bet I can run faster than you.”
      “Oh yeah? Prove it. I doubt that you can.” She jumped up and pulled on his wrist.
    “Where to?”
        “The end of the beach and back.”
      “You’re on! On three we go. One, two, three, GO!”
  They both took off running, Adam at breakneck speed, Susan just jogging. She let herself build up speed as she ran, and gradually caught up to Adam and pulled ahead of him. She ran with all her might to the end of the beach, slowed slightly, and let Adam pass her again. They were just a few meters from their destination when she put on a sudden burst of speed and passed him, crossing the finish line first.
        “Just had to embarrass yourself, didn’t you.”
    “Hey,” he protested. “I just let you win so that you wouldn’t feel bad.”
  Susan looked away, the memories returning. She felt tears prick at her eyelids, and she blinked rapidly, trying to hold them back. She couldn’t cry. Jason would have wanted her to be happy.
  She jumped up and began to run, her strides long and sure. She couldn’t handle this anymore. It was too much. Adam reminded her of Jason, and she wasn’t ready for something so strange, so unlike anything else she had ever felt before. It scared her to think that she might be falling for Adam so soon after Jason’s death. She couldn’t be. It was too soon. Adam reminded her of Jason too much. She heard footsteps closing in on her, and she turned around, checking who it was. It was Adam. Why did he have to follow her? She didn’t want to have a shadow. She hated it when people followed her around. She hated it when people touched her, depending on who they were. If someone snuck up behind her, she would scream. She might be overly sensitive about things like that, but she preferred to be comfortable in her environment. People who lived around her knew better, but people she hadn’t been around very often didn’t know. She had been like that for as long as she could remember. In high school, her friends had learned quite soon. All but one. She tended to be a little on the annoying side at times. She wasn’t the only one to say that. A few of her other friends would have agreed with her. She could hardly stand her at times, but other times it was a relief to have her around. Not very often, but sometimes.                                                                                                                                                                                                           
      “Susan!” she heard Adam call her name, but didn’t want to turn around again.
    “Susan!” he called again. He was almost caught up with her. In a few seconds… he grabbed her arm. She tried to pull away, but his grip was too tight.
      “What do you want from me?”
    “I just want to know what’s bothering you, why you ran away from me.”
      “Well, guess what. You don’t get to find out. Now let go of me.” her voice was colder than she had intended it to be. Adam loosened his grip and she pulled her arm away.
      “I’m sorry, Adam. I didn’t mean that. It’s just,… I can’t talk about it right now. I’m not ready.” He put his arm around her waist.
          “It’s okay, Susan. I understand.”
          “No, you don’t. You can’t.”
        “Will you tell me about it, so that I can try to understand?”
    “I can’t. You would probably freak out because of it.”
      “That bad?”
      “Trust me, it’s worse.” Her eyes glistened with fresh tears. “I’m not ready to talk about it yet. It’s too fresh, too real.”
        “Susan, what is it? I think I’ll freak out more if you don’t tell me than if you do.”
    “Adam, I can’t. I just can’t. I hardly know you, but what I feel every time I see you…” her voice trailed off. “No words can describe it. The pain, the intensity, they’re so great that I can hardly bear it. Please, Adam, don’t ever leave me.” She hated the way her voice sounded. So desperate, so helpless. Adam put his arms around her, and she buried her face against his chest.
          “Adam, I’m not done. There’s more. The way you love with all your heart, the way you listen, the way you laugh. It all reminds me of the way that it was before, the way it was six years ago, before he left.” Her voice broke, and she struggled to maintain her composure. What would Adam say?
      “Why didn’t you say anything before?”
      “I couldn’t.” her voice was raw, filled with emotion. “It scared me.” Adam didn’t say anything, just held her. A sense of security filled her, and she knew that nothing could hurt her as long as Adam was there. Why did she feel so much like she had when she was thirteen now? When she had to leave, would Adam be heartbroken because they would never see each other again after this? She would miss him, that was for certain. But would he even care that she would be gone?
      “What are you thinking about?” his voice interrupted her thoughts.
    “You.” She smiled slightly. “What about you?”
    “You.”
    “Good or bad?”
    “Good. I couldn’t think anything but good about you.”  Susan smiled again, and a familiar feeling of peace washed over her. It felt so good to be with Adam and to smile and laugh again. The atmosphere was relaxed, without any questions about her past or her future. She found her mind straying back to Jason. Should she invite Adam to visit his grave with her? No, she couldn’t. It was too soon. Adam would feel far to self-conscious. No. That really wouldn’t work out that great.
    “Adam, I should probably go.”
    “Yeah, me too. My mom will get worried.” He was going to add something, but then he changed his mind. “See you.”
    “By the way, my parents would like to meet you before I head back to the army.”
  “Just tell me the time and place, and I’ll try to be there. I’ll call you later on today and then you can tell me.”
    “All right. Well, bye.” They each went their separate ways again, Adam in one direction, Susan the other. She had changed her mind about going to the cemetery that day. It would have to wait. She couldn’t handle it so soon after seeing Adam. They were so alike. Not in looks, but in their personalities. He was so much like Jason, it was almost like Jason was back again, but they were just living in different houses. She didn’t want to feel like Adam was Jason. There was no one like Jason. Jason was the best person she had ever met. He was her only brother, her best friend, and an eternal optimist. If she felt bad, he would tell her that they all had bad days. He was always like that. It seemed like he was never discouraged or pessimistic.  If someone were to tease him, he would just laugh along. She had tried to do the same, but every time she had, it had sounded unnatural, fake. She wasn’t like Jason. No one was. She was glad. If someone else was, he wouldn’t be unique, and everything would remind her of him. It would be more painful than it already was, and she wasn’t ready to bear any more pain. She considered what Adam had said. Should she really quit the army and get a higher education? She wasn’t sure. She considered talking to her parents about it, but the idea was too fresh in her mind to let anyone else know about it. She would just let her parents down if she didn’t go to university. They already had enough pain to deal with. She didn’t want to inflict any more. Just a few more blocks and she would be home. It felt like she had left the army base a long time ago. It felt like years since she had first met Adam. Was it really only yesterday? She walked into the house and jogged up the stairs to her old room where she was staying in these few days that she was on holidays. On the way to her bedroom, she walked right past Jason’s old room. The door was closed, but she paused briefly, considering going in. It would give her a fresh memory of Jason. Did she really want that? She decided she did and pushed open the door slowly. Tentatively she stepped inside and closed the door gently behind her. She looked around. Everything was still the same as he had left it the day he had left for the last time… Susan felt tears slid down her cheeks.
    “Oh, Jason,” she sobbed. “ I miss you so much. Please, come back. We need you. You can’t be gone. It just can’t be true.” She laid down on his bed and buried her face in his pillow, muffling her sobs. “I know that it is, but I don’t want it to be. I just can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to quit, but I have to. I don’t want to be in the army anymore. I enlisted for you, but now I’m going to quit for me, for Mom and Dad, for Adam. I love him. I really do. I want to stay here in New York, to get a higher education, to do everything you didn’t have a chance to. I’m going to follow my dreams, instead of walking in your footsteps.” She cried for a long time, reliving every memory of her and Jason. He had taught her all she knew about love and living. He had told her to follow her heart, just like he had done. When they were younger, he had always wanted to make a difference in the world. Even if he didn’t make a difference in the world, he had touched her and influenced her entire life. More than he might have known. She would always love and remember him for it, but for now it was time to put away her sorrows, to say a final goodbye to Jason. It was time to move on. Jason wasn’t coming back. Not now, not ever. Sure, she would miss him, and there would never be someone else to love her like Jason did, no one to replace him. She was satisfied with that. She would survive. Jason would have, so she could too. That would be enough for now. She would be fine. She was happy to have found a friend in Adam, to have both of he parents together and alive.