HOW TO HELP YOUR DATING GAME

HOW TO HELP YOUR DATING GAME
10 October 2006 Jim Liautaud, UIC Clinical Professor

ASK YOURSELF THESE FOUR QUESTIONS FIRST:
Are you thoughtful of others? Do you work at being a good listener? Do you have defined values? Do you have a few long term friends you admire, and admire you?

If yes to all of the above, then you deserve the perfect mate.

Here’s the why, and here’s the how:

(1) Relationships are all about 'synchronicity', something that happens when that one, out of ten or twelve, ends up liking you. For the rest that don’t or won’t, no matter what you do or what you say, or how great you feel they’d be good for you, the fact is, most people are simply not completely connected to most people they meet. (That includes all of us!)

(2) That fact has nothing to do with what you do or don't do, or who you are or are not, or even how you feel. It has nothing to do with how you dress or how you look. When it comes to being fully synchronous with others, you either click or not at all. And it works both ways. Same with you. No matter how someone else might like you, you will automatically give them little or no recognition. You will pass them by. You know that’s true because it’s happened before. Both ways.

(3) Given that understanding, you can then be completely relaxed and be yourself. Enjoy the eve with absolutely no angst or expectations, as to the outcome. It’s more about how you feel about yourself by being yourself, rather than how you pretend to be for the outcome.

(4) Being exactly who you are gives everyone that will easily like you the opportunity of seeing you at your best; being yourself and enjoying the moment you’re in. And no matter who you are, there will be a few people in that room that will be automatically attracted to you, no matter how you’re dressed, or how you look.

This mindset will set you free from the anxiety we all have when we're focused on trying to make an impression, or simply being noticed. It’s not about you, its more about them seeing you being you. Be comfortable with the moment, since acting how you think or believe you should act alters the moment, and that moment presents you as someone not as authentic as the real you, and those that would like you most for being you, will see someone else that might well cause them to pass you by.

And one more thing. Knowing this, make sure you take a bit of time to notice others noticing you. They may not appear to be your first choice, for whatever reason, but their shyness, like yours, will get a boost by noticing them back. And you’d be surprised if you were the first to say hello, since a conversation can follow that you might enjoy. And if you begin with that, noticing others that notice you, it will add a bit of joy to both their evening and yours, and from those you meet, you can make the selection, by spending a bit more time with those you enjoy the most. It beats those lonely moments of feeling all alone, or worse, not worthy or up to par.

Ed note: Jim is a long time researcher on “Why People do the Things They Do” and what we can do about it, to make our lives a little bit better.