The Old-Fashioned Dragon

Once upon a time, not so very long ago, there lived a princess, and her name was Diamyndd. She was as beautiful as the day as well as dazzlingly clever, and suitors came from all the lands around to plead for her hand. She scandalized her adoring populace by ignoring all traditional rules of propriety (incidentally disregarding those concerning common courtesy and decency as well). She turned up her pretty nose at things like dancing, cooking, and embroidery (partly because she wasn’t very good at them and partly because she considered those particular forms of art to be beneath her). Each day she practiced fencing for two and a half hours (not for any especial love of the sport, but because it was fun to watch the less athletic princes squirm when she beat them). In short, she was everything a modern, up-to-date princess should be, and her royal mamma and papa were of course very proud of her.

One day, the king decided it was high time for Diamyndd to be married. And so, a suitable prince was picked out, a suitable date selected, and a suitable dragon hired to conduct the ceremony. When the happy day arrived, Diamyndd was dressed in her best, taken to a nearby mountaintop, tied to a tree, and left to wait.

Soon a puff of white smoke could be seen over the trees, and a little while later, a large dragon tumbled out of the sky to land in the clearing.

Diamyndd, picking idly at the ruby enamel on her left thumbnail, didn’t bother to look up. “You’re late,” she said coldly.

“I know,” the dragon said apologetically, “but my cousin who was supposed to be here is sick with the dragonpox and I only got his message this morning.”

“Purple!” Diamyndd exclaimed as she looked up. “I clearly told Daddy ultramarine, to match my dress! And now this?”

The dragon squinted down at his non-ultramarine scales then looked dubiously back at the princess. “Uhh… I’m sorry?”

“You should be,” Diamyndd sniffed, folding her arms and looking stonily away. “Now everything is completely ruined.”

Apparently deciding that further discussion of the matter would not be constructive, the dragon asked, “Well, do you want me to get on with the ceremony? Aren’t I supposed to eat you or something?”

Diamyndd laughed. “What an amusing notion! No dragons eat princesses anymore. You must be dreadfully behind the times if you didn’t know that.”

“Dear me,” said the dragon, “how silly of me!” And he ate her up.

After a while, the prince who was Diamyndd’s intended came strolling into the clearing, swinging his sword absentmindedly and whistling a careless tune. He found the dragon lying in a patch of sunshine, licking his lips and looking rather thoughtful.

“Hello,” said the prince, shaking back his floppy blond bangs and peering up at the dragon. “I say, where’s Diamyndd gone? Isn’t she supposed to be here by now?”

“She was just here a minute ago,” the dragon said truthfully.

“Well, where’s she gone?”

“Oh, I ate her.”

The prince looked a little annoyed. “Well now, you didn’t have to do that. I mean, it’s just not done anymore, if you know what I mean.”

“Oh!” said the dragon, “I am dreadfully sorry. I don’t see how I could have made such a mistake!” And he ate him up.

After a while, when their daughter failed to return from her wedding, the king and queen started getting rather concerned. So they sent out a knight to find the couple and bring them back. When the knight walked into the clearing, he found the dragon lying in a patch of sunshine, licking his lips and looking rather thoughtful.

“Hello, hello!” said the knight cheerfully, waving his sword at the dragon. “I say, you haven’t seen a prince and a princess around anywhere, have you?”

“Well, actually, I believe I did a little while ago,” the dragon admitted.

“Do you notice where they went?”

“Why yes. I ate them.”

“I say, that does make things rather difficult, doesn’t it?” said the knight, looking a little worried. “I’m dreadfully sorry, but I’m afraid I’ll have to fight you.”

“Fight me?’ the dragon said in a bored voice, yawning and showing a set of white and gleaming teeth (the knight’s look of concern deepened). “Do you really think that’s necessary? I mean, it’s not as if they were of any use to anyone anyway.”

“I know, old chap, it’s dreadfully inconvenient,” the knight said apologetically. “But I’m afraid I’m expected to, seeing as how I can’t bring them back now…” His voice trailed off as his face suddenly shone with the light of inspiration. “I say, I’ve got just the thing! We could pretend to fight each other! No one would know the difference, I would get paid, and everyone would be happy!”

“What a splendid idea!” said the dragon. And he ate him up. Then he went to sleep for three days until they were all digested, then flew back to his home. And he lived happily ever after until the end of his days, and no one asked him to preside at a wedding ever again.