Letter to my Fellow Travellers

Dear Fellow Traveller,

I love travelling on a budget. I get to meet interesting people, make friends, have fun and experience local cultures.

But you, my dear Hostel-Dorm-Mate, are spoiling my perfect travel experience with your selfish, inconsiderate and anti-social behaviour. I will tolerate it no longer. I detail below the simple rules you must follow to be a 'happy hosteller'. Fail to follow these rules and I will put bedbugs in your backpack, ants in your pants and rotten prawns in your fisherman's trousers.

Rule # 1
Do not arrive from your bus/train/flight at 3am, put the lights on while talking loudly with your buddy and start rummaging in your backpack for your teddy bear. I will throw something at you.

Rule # 2
Do not, under any circumstances, be a plastic-bag-rustler. There really is no need for everything in your backpack to be individually wrapped.

Rule # 3
If you need to get up early, then get up. Do not snooze your alarm for an hour. When you finally haul your lazy ass out of bed, do not sing in the shower while I'm trying to sleep.

Rule # 4
Never, never, never put your stuff on my bed. It's my bed, not your shelf.

Rule # 5
Do not hog the one and only electrical socket for days on end. I need to charge my camera batteries sometime!

Rule # 6
The floor is for walking on. Do not discard your filthy underwear on the floor. Your mother is not here to pick it up and I do not want to step on your shit-stained Y-fronts.

Rule # 7
Always leave a clear path between the door and other people's beds. When I come in at 3am (quietly, with the lights off, as you should) I do not wish to take a headlong dive over the top of your backpack, or indeed, aforementioned Y-fronts.

Rule # 8
Do not read my journal. Ever.

Rule # 9
Steal my stuff and I'll hunt you down, you bastard.

Rule # 10
Do not take sneaky pictures of me when I'm not looking. You freak!

Rule # 11
I don't care how horny you are. Do not, I repeat, do not, have sex with someone in my dorm. I do not want ringside seats for your moment of passion. I will throw water over you.

Yours sincerely
Jac