Why am I so sad?

The emotion of sadness has been ever present throughout my life. In my superficial thought-wanderings, I've always equated the emotion of sadness with grief. My conclusion was sadness and grief are in the same "genre".

Most of us have experienced sorrow when a loved one passes on, this is only natural: however the emotion of sorrow and grieving are interlinked in a profound way.

The death of my step-father brought forth sorrow and a grieving process I can not make end. On particularly difficult days I use his death to explain the sadness and sorrow I feel. In reality I've always been different…misunderstood and just recently happily misunderstood. To explain, when I was younger I would scream (in my head) I am not different. I am the same as those around me. Now I scream (out loud) I am different I don't want to be like anyone other than myself…everyone else it taken.

I wonder to whom my profound sadness is revealed when they look at me. Or do they only see what I have created for them to see. What do I want and from whom. Answer this for me. My sadness prevails my hell grows. How long do we pay for past sins or bad decisions? I've paid so much debt I feel I'm owed a credit. An elderly gentleman with a wife of 52 years told me she always said to him, "Arthur, the best is yet to come"…unfairness once again, she died last month.

Instead of walking at a slower pace, like wading through water, I fly by so no one will notice the sadness within. Complete strangers on the street look at you and their expressions reveal concern. You are aware how you feel, and have been indoctrinated not to feel this emotion, but it continues despite all efforts to rid oneself of it. Then, of course the guilt sets in for feeling sad in the first place when there is so much to feel happiness and relief for. My world has lost its color, its purpose its true beauty.

Years ago I would have blocked this emotion of extreme sadness into the recesses of forgotten memory. I learned this trick from my mother. It's not right to feel this way, banish it from your mind and pretend it doesn't exist.' This strategy has worked in the past, but in time it surfaces again, and usually at the most inopportune moments.

I feel no grief, I feel no sorrow only a deep sadness – and this too will pass.