Heartache

Relationships, the one word that everyone knows. Either they know it by experience or because they yearn for it. The yearning to be held, to be loved, to be kissed out in the rain. Knowing the feeling of being held, lips touching passionately.

No matter how much someone tries to heal after a breakup, do they really heal? Your first love, the one person who made you feel whole, breaks your heart. You spend the rest of your life trying to repair. You judge the rest of your relationships on that single one. You can’t seem to get over them!

Nothing you do, nothing at all, will erase that person from your mind completely. Your heart still has them in it. You can take scolding hot baths every time you think about them. The only thing that would do is harm you. Why try to get rid of them? It’s not going to work.

Personally I have had two first loves. Well maybe just one. The first, someone who I am still friends with, was someone really close to me. We went to the same school. He was a year older than me. Well actually, he was the same age just in a higher grade. He wasn’t skinny and didn’t have a clear complexion. He was really kind though.

All the imperfections that most people saw didn’t bother me. I even have most of his imperfections. I have blackheads; they seem to never go away. I do not have a perfect stomach. If anything, I am a “pudgy” girl. I’m not fat nor am I skinny, just in the middle.

I was having problems when I was dating him. He meant so much to me, but there was heartache in my world. My father-figure didn’t want anything to do with me. I couldn’t get it through my head that this guy, the guy I was dating, wanted everything to do with me. He wanted to hold me when my world was crashing. He wanted to kiss away the tears that I cried every night. I wanted to run to him when my world was crashing and burning all around me.

His nickname was Teddy Bear. The name fit him. He was so kind and gentle, someone who you could come to for comfort, for love. Now that I am really into Elvis, I can see why I picked the nickname for him. The song Teddy Bear was so perfect. “Just let me be your teddy bear!” Nothing he did was wrong. He made me laugh, when all I wanted to do was cry. He made me love, when all I wanted to do was hide.

Things ended between us, well it happened a lot, yet we always got back together. The last time we broke up, things went downhill. We no longer talked. We couldn’t talk. We knew that we both wanted each other and just the thought of us not being together was heartbreaking.

We saw each other again in 2004 at our high school. At first he tried to avoid me, which really tore me up inside. He told me that he didn’t think that I would want to talk to him. Truth is, I had been trying to get a hold of him for years. I just needed him to know that I loved him and was sorry for things that happened.

The other guy, oh that is another story, one that I need to tell. His name is Troy. He had beautiful eyes and perfect lips. He, like Teddy Bear, wasn’t skinny. It doesn’t matter to me though. May 27, 2004 he came up to see me at a park during the last day of school. It meant so much to me, him actually being there. He was holding me, and a friend took me away. She asked if we were together, in which I didn’t know the answer to. I asked him and he said yes. “Alright! I am going out with him! I hope it lasts!!!” I thought. Well it did last, for six months.

Through this time, I had my problems. Things at my home were not good. My stepfather was rude and often made me cry. Troy would try to come over when I was really upset. When he couldn’t come over, he always made sure to talk to me and try to come over the next day. Just knowing that he cared really meant a lot to me, his kisses, his hugs, his voice. Just everything meant so much to me!

Things ended in November. It was terrible! He thought I cheated on him. The one man that I actually stayed with for a long time thought that I cheated! I would have never dreamt of hurting another person as much as that accusation hurt me. He didn’t even wait for me to explain myself. How can someone be so cruel?

Things still haven’t gone back to normal. I constantly still think of him. When I hear someone who sounds like him, I look around. Just hoping that he is calling after me. I shouldn’t be this stupid, I know, but my heart yearns for him. I just hope that someday he comes back to me. Doubt that he will, after the accusation he wants nothing to do with me, nothing at all.

Why do people yearn for such heartache? Nothing anyone can do can help cure a broken heart. One broken heart will never mend fully. Sure it can for a while, but soon the stitches will rip out and your heart is broken once again.