The 3.5 Plagues of Ultimate Doom

Let us turn our attention once again to Zingo(tm), who, after creating time, was immediately killed by the natural aging that should have occured a long time ago (or his neighbors killed him and robbed him of his possesions, whichever is funnier.) because he's not important to this story and I don't want a horde of continuity fans writing angry letters wondering why he never shows up. Anyway, this story is about a totally unrelated person living somewhere between madupica and wherever the hell the late Zingo(tm) lived. This person was known as Xephorpsist. The reasoning behind this name was that his parents felt like giving their child a name which didn't exist but forgot that "e" is, in fact, a letter. Anyway Xephorpsist was walking through his village one day when he ran into a wizard with no face. For simplicity's sake, we'll call this wizard Mittens. Upon sensing Xephorpsist's presence, Mittens turned around (I think) and said: "Random peasant! for being the 50th person I've (sort of) seen today, I shall place a plague upon your head! Behold the awful power of the 3 plagues of doom!"
"Don't you mean the 'Awesome' power?" Xephorpsist replyed.
" You know what? Screw that. Just for that little snip, I'm gonna bump you up to the 3 and a half plagues of ultimate doom!" snapped Mittens
"How the hell can you have 1/2 a plague?" Xephorpsist asked.
"You can't. What the hell kinda of crazy talk is that? What you've got is 2 plagues,3/4 of a plague, and 3 quarters of a plague." answered Mittens
"Well why is it called the 3 1/2 plagues" inquired Xephorpsist.
"It's not like we can call it 'The 2, 3/4, and 3 quarters of plagues of ultimate doom.'" began (and finished) Mittens. "Oh crap!" he continued, "Thanks to your incessant questions, I'm late for my insane wizards meeting." and then he turned around again (I think) and ran down the path. Suddenly, a robot ninja zombie appeared and watched as Xephorpsist tripped and hit his head. This was the first quarter of a plague. For a week or so the robot ninja zombie followed Xephorpsist around for no apparent reason and Xephorpsist continued to trip. Eventually, I realised that I need to keep the storyline moving so the second quarter of a plague began. This was the plague of new beginnings. Let us turn our attention once again to Zingo(tm), who, after creating time, was immediately killed by the natural aging that should have occured a long time ago (or his neighbors killed him and robbed him of his possesions, whichever is funnier.) because he's not important to this story and I don't want a horde of continuity fans writing angry letters wondering why he never shows up. This happened for a few days before one of the full plagues began. This plague was arguably the worst plague imaginable, the plague of the educational video. The effect of this plague was that wherever Xephorpsist went, he was accompanied by one black kid, one latino, one girl and one handicapped kid. For simplicity we'll call them Tyrone (What the hell do you mean racist? the name's catchy isn't it? Shut up), Pablo, Amy, and Jesus respectively. Getting back on topic (or as on topic as this can be anyway) this pissed Xephorpsist off to an unimaginable degree, especially since they kept offering "helpful" suggestions to deal with the other plagues. Eventually, Xephorpsist was playing Brave Fencer Musashi on PS1 (buy it) when Amy and Pablo suggested that Xephorpsist instead play a game they could all enjoy and Tyrone and Jesus began a discussion on the importance of sharing. This was the straw that broke the camels back (and mutilated the corpse). Xephorpsist snapped and ripped out Amy's entrails through her mouth (what!? I'm not sexist. I just used the first name that came to mind. You see? This is why I hate educational videos.). However, as an additional effect of the plague, this was cut out from reality for being to violent, and thus never happened. Desperate, Xephorpsist consulted his village shaman (apparently every village has one) and was advised to go to the top of the mountain to consult the wise old hermit living there. It was an arduos journey to the top and Jesus was killed (There. Now I've pissed off every demographic.). Fortunately, educational videos built in reality blocker kicked in and Xephorpsist was instead zipped instantly to the top, while Jesus chose to stay home and create a potential sidestory about him facing and triumpantly conquering his deppresion. Anyway, upon reaching the top, the hermit said that although he could easily cure Xephorpsist at no cost to himself, he would not do so unless Xephorpsist brought him 4 Red Flowers. Just then, the last quarter plague kicked in and a little raincloud appeared above Xephorpsist's head. He quickly gathered the 4 Red Flowers and returned to the hermit. "Thank you" said the hemit, "but I'm afraid I wasn't entirely truthful. I can cure you, but first you need to recover my Crystal Ball." At this point the 3/4 of a plague kicked in and Xephorpsist and every one around him was torn to shreds. The reality blocker overheated and onlyXephorpsist was spared. Unfortunately the plague of new beginings was in effect and everything went back to normal. Then the last plagues kicked in and a robot samurai zombie descended from the sky, coincidentally holding a Crystal Ball. It jumped towards Xephorpsist and was promptly killed by the robot ninja zombie that had been following Xephorpsist aroun this whole time, as ninjas are samurai's natural enamies. And thus Xephorpsist was cured and died a happy (and ninja related) death at the ripe age of 640. See? I can write an entire story without using "section missing" or "patent pending" (well, except when referencing them.).