Zoe's memories

He went somewhere and left me missing him what seems like an eternity ago. I lay awake through countless nights, have barely moved an inch. I concentrate on the door each day, willing it to open once again and show him standing there. I will greet him as I always do, he will know that I have missed him and will be pleased that I welcome him back home. The joy! I can almost touch this feeling, so intense, if I but concentrate just a little harder.

I thought he came home today. His scent was all over the house. I ran upstairs. How did he get inside without me noticing? The upstairs hallway, empty. The bedroom, nothing. Other bedroom, a stash of his clothes all spread out on the bed. She was standing there and holding one of his shirts close to her face. I wanted to do that too! I jumped on the bed and stuck my nose right in. Aaah, so good! A starburst of memories made my heart beat faster.

I breathed in deeply. He had been gone before for a long time, I could hardly remember much of it because it was so long ago but I remembered having been this lonely before. Then he just walked in that day after my surgery. Had I not been sleeping most of that day and my mind not been clouded with the pain, I might have noticed her bustling about. Thinking about it lying on the bed, I remembered her causing quite a ruckus with that vacuum and turning the house upside down even more than usual. I had been sound asleep that evening. That’s what they had said would heal me quickest. I couldn’t tell what I became aware of first, his voice or scent. At first I did not even want to wake up because I believed I was having a wonderful dream of a time when we were close. But it did not come together as a dream born from memory so I opened my eyes and he was standing right in front of me. He is here! He is actually here! The sudden realization made the pain disappear and pure joy flood my heart. I jumped up and kissed him. He was holding me, telling me to take it easy and I could not get enough of his attention. I still didn’t know why he was gone so long because I know he loves both me and her. His motives to just walk out and stay away like this are a mystery to me, his life seemingly a lot more complicated than mine. But I did remember the happiness of the night he was back at home and I knew that my patience now would be rewarded in much the same way.

I breathed again. Was that a hint of spring? The day at the river will always stand out to me in my memory. I had been so afraid. He was standing in the river, water reaching to his chest. She was there as well, sitting on a rock. I had already been over there and explored. That rock looked perfectly fine to me as well. The sun had warmed it and I would have loved to stretch out and enjoy its warmth creeping into me and do nothing but watch the bugs. But he was calling my name so I went over to the river’s edge. The water gurgled and splashed and looked altogether dangerous. His shirt lay close to where I stood, the skin on his chest white from winter and he was lifting up his arms, threw his head back and laughed. Hundreds of drops of water rained back down into the river from his outstretched arms, each catching the sun on its way down to rejoin the green river waters. Seeing him like that made me happy and I would almost have jumped in to join him. But I knew a lot better than that, so I didn’t. I am not as tall as he, you see, and even though he insisted that I could swim, I had a real reluctance though to trust my life into that cold, gushing body of water and my ability to stay afloat. So I stood at the shore and watched him. He kept calling me in a coaxing manner but I was steadfast. Then she stood up for me and told him to leave me be I was obviously scared. Though somewhat humiliated, I was glad I had an ally and slunk back over to her rock to join her. She gave me a quick reassuring hug that made my heart melt. You see, she is almost as dear to me as he so I long for her affection just as well. She and I were sitting there like that for a while, the sun feeling good on my skin, the smell of spring was fresh and I squinted my eyes into the sun. Suddenly he stood over me and scooped me up into his arms. Before I could even gather my senses enough to struggle he had tossed me into the water. I sank underwater, coldness gripping both at my skin and heart. I thrashed my legs around and amazingly popped back up to the surface. Disoriented I looked around for the shore. Fear told me to get back on land as soon as possible, before the river realized I was not a swimmer after all and tried to suck me under. Some water entered my mouth and nostrils as I sucked in air in frantic sobs. Then there he was right next to me, standing solid on the river floor. His arms embraced me and lifted me above the water, carrying me back on land. He said, I am so sorry, girl, who knew you’d be this terrified. His words reverberated in his chest and their vibrations more than their meaning calmed me down. He set me down onto the river bank and wrapped a towel over my shoulders.

Another breath. The day I saw him last. I remember I was happy for I had his undivided attention and I relished every second. He played with me the games I like to play and mostly let me win. Two big green bags had been sitting on the living room floor in front of the couch and I was intrigued by their bulginess and what might be inside? I did not get to take a closer look at them though because he called my name and knelt down to give me hugs. So happily I relinquished my curiosity towards the bags and kissed him enthusiastically. I do believe though to this day that the bags had something to do with his disappearance for they left with him. During all this time she sat on the chair right close to us and I sensed her uneasiness. Looking back I wondered if she knew what was in the bags and knew they would take him away from us. I did not think too much of it when he gathered all his items and walked outside because he goes to places all the time. I was happy to settle close to the door and let my mind drift until he would walk back in. I heard her sobbing though so I got up to see her. She drew me close and cried. I grow very nervous when she cries because her pain hurts me as well and the happy relaxation I had felt just a few minutes ago fell away from me.

The smell is stale, I realized. He was still not home and his scent on his clothes was fading. Confusion washing over me, I looked up at her imploring when he might be home?
She then sat down beside me and touched me gingerly. “Another six months and he’ll be home from war.” She whispered as she leaned in close to caress my ear. I remained confused though because I do not know how long that is and her voice felt both of hope and despair.