Caffeine and Love

Book name?: Angels and Apples
Caffeine and love.

Chapter One:
The Past

"Jackson...Jackson..." A faint voice called. Jackson opened his eyes and turned his head. Flowers...? Flowers...There was a field full. He blinked and rubbed his eyes a bit before looking around.
"Jackson...Over here..." The voice came again, this time a bit louder so he knew which way to look. It was she. It was Madeline. The girl he had loved since the beginning of time and the girl he would love until the end of time. There was no doubting that.
"Madeline?" Jackson called out as he got to his feet and started walking towards her. She started to walk away, but waved for him to follow. "Madeline! Madeline! Please! Slow down!"
She never though, she just laughed and motioned him to come and get her. Like they used to play. He would chase her all around, and she would always let him catch up after a bit. Except this time. This time she never slowed down. She just kept going.
Jackson started to run. He got faster, so did she. He got closer, then farther away. Tears were running down his face now.
"Madeline! Please! I'm sorry!" Jackson yelled out as he fell to his knees and held out a hand, tears now flowing.
"Remember me, Jackson." She said as she got further[Yes, I know further isn't distance, nor is that supposed to represent distance] away. "Love me always, Jackson..."

Grey shot up. Tears stung his eyes, and stained his cheeks still. It was a dream...Just a dream...
He wiped his face and looked around. He was in his dorm again. The place he called home. It's not much of a home though; there was no love here at all. No love, except in his dreams. Those were all he had left of her. All he had left of Madeline.
He had slept in, again, and this probably meant detention, but Grey didn't care. All he wanted to do was get out of his dorm. Get out there with people; take his mind off of her. It was hard though; everything reminded him of her. Everything.

Grey showered and shaved and did everything a guy does in the morning. He pulled on a pair of faded blue jeans and a two tone green polo. Over top of that he wore a white sports coat, half way zipped up. His hair was often worn messy, as he stopped caring about his looks a long time ago.
Remember me always...
Grey's head shot up after he put on his shoes.
"Man...I need to stop this..." He said as he rubbed his head. He was, of course, referring to hanging on this tightly. She was gone; it was time for him to move on. At least to the point where he could live his life again. He needed to get to the point in his life where he was able to let go, able to be free. He didn't want that though; he wanted to keep her as close to him as he could, even if it meant not moving on.

It was almost noon now, and Grey had nothing to show for the morning except a couple of missed classes and some painful memories. He brushed some hair out of his eyes and pushed open the door to the hall. It was around lunchtime now, so if someone saw him he could say he was on his way to get some food, which he was. He hadn't eaten all day, after all. His footsteps were heavy in the empty halls. He could hear voices every now and then from dorms. Most likely people who had a spare, or slept in. It was a sad excuse for a school, it really was. No one went to class, and the teachers never cared, for the most part. A certain teacher had taken a liking to Grey, it seemed. She would always scold him for being late, and give him detentions. He had never seen her be like that towards any of the other students. None of the other students were like him, mind you. Always late, if he showed up at all. Maybe the school wasn't sad, but he was.

Grey had walked for what seemed forever to him. It was actually only about five minutes in reality. His mind had wandered, however. To the past. Yes, the past. It was the one thing he did not want to think about, but the only thing he would never give up. It made him feel depressed and happy at the same time. Mostly because it had her in it. His love. His Madeline. She had been there for him ever since he could remember. He moved into a new town when he was eight, and she was the only one to talk to him for the first year he was there. Not that he minded, that is. She was like an angel to him. She was as beautiful as a morning sun rise, and as smart as Einstein himself. Everyone thought so, and the fact that she paid special attention to him made it all that much better. They were inseparable. Even after that first year. It took a while for Grey to work up the courage to ask her out. It was six years down the line, in fact. Sad, isn't it? But he didn't want to ruin everything he had going with her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Madeline Wilkinson." He spoke softly as they sat alone on the bench in the abandoned park.
"Jackson Grey." She replied, as she usually did when he said her name like that.
A smile swept across his face as he turned to look at her, then turned away blushing.
"What? What is it? Is there something in my hair?" She said as she thought that the reason he looked away was because of something that had to do with her. Well, she was partially right. He looked away because she was so beautiful. No one could look at her for long without having to turn away or they would be lost forever.
"No, there's nothing in your hair..." He said with a small laugh as he looked back at her, this time not looking away. "I've just been thinking."
"Uh oh! That's a scary thought!" She joked as she gave him a small smile.
"Hey! I'm serious...This is serious." Jackson was defensive now. He wanted so much to tell her what was on his mind, and she just joked. It was too be expected though. They were best friends.
"Aw, you know I'm kidding. What's on your mind?" She asked as she gave him another smile, this time a sympathetic one.
"Well..." Jackson began. "We've been friends for a while now, best friends actually. And I..."
"Yes?"
"I think I love you."
"Well, I love you too, silly." She was joking again, not knowing if he was serious or not.
"I'm serious, Madeline. You mean everything to me."
Madeline sat there, not saying anything, not doing anything. She was thinking, and Jackson was cowering.
"I should go." Jackson said as he started to get up. Madeline's hand out stretched and took his and pulled him back down before she kissed him. Jackson's eyes grew wide them shut and accepted this.
"I love you too, Jackson." She said as her lips left his. "I've been waiting for so long to tell you, but I just didn't know..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yup. That's how it all started. A scared boy, and a passionate girl alone on a bench in the middle of an abandoned park. That was the best memory Grey had of the time they had together. Not that the rest were bad, just that that one was so good, that no other memory in the world could top it. There have been others that have come close, but none that has reached that point. It was the memory Grey often found himself thinking about. The one that made a smile appear on his face, no matter where he was. He could have a gun to his head, and that memory would bring a smile to his face. It was just that nice.

He was in the cafeteria now. How he got there he had no idea. Grey was lost in thought the whole way there, not that he minded.
He went and got a tray, filled it with food and found an empty table. It was easy to pick one seeing how they were all empty. It was odd; usually there were people in them, but not today.
Grey sat there, thinking. Oh how he hated to think, especially when he was alone. Memories of all sorts came up. Ones that involved Madeline, ones that didn't. Most that involved her though. It was weird how a single piece of fruit could bring back a memory long forgotten, isn't it? Grey thought to himself as he picked up and apple. He smiled and took a bite.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I'll trade you my apple for your banana." Grey offered Madeline, eyeing her banana.
"What's wrong with it?" She questioned with a quirked eyebrow. Jackson had been known for pulling these kinds of deals with Madeline. He would trade a bad piece of fruit for a good one, and she was beginning to catch on.
"What? Come on! Why would there be something wrong with it? I just like bananas more." Jackson replied defensively. "So, are you going to trade me?"
Madeline thought for a moment before handing her banana over to Jackson and taking his apple.
"This is the last time. You're fifteen! You should be packing your own lunches by now." She said as she took a bite of the apple to find that it was, in fact, good.
"Eh, why would I do that when my mom does it for me and I can just trade you any time I want to?" Jackson laughed and shot her a small wink. He let out a little laugh as he noticed her face when she took a bite and realized that it wasn't bad. "I told you it was good. Aww, look. And Angel and an apple."
Madeline stuck out her tongue at Jackson before throwing an empty sandwich bag at him.
"Hey now, that was a compliment!" He said as he moved so the slowly moving sandwich bag missed his head. "Fine, I take it back."
"Nooo!" Madeline's voice had a frantic tone now like she actually wanted him to say it again, which she did. "I was kidding. I know it was a compliment, don't take it back!"
"Too late. What's done is done. You missed your chance, Missy." Grey spoke as he crossed his arms looked skyward.
"Would a kiss make you change your mind?"
"Maybe. It depends on the kiss and when I got it." Jackson was still looking up as Madeline bent of the table and gave him a small peck on the lips.
"Okay. I don't take it back anymore."
"That's what I thought." There was a look of accomplishment on Madeline's face now, like she had just won a gold medal at the Olympics.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There were lots of good times, but along with the good came the bad. It was how everything worked. The world would be no where if there wasn't that balance between right and wrong. Adam and Eve found out the hard way, and so did Grey and Madeline. They would have their fights, but in the end they always made up some how. Sometimes Grey thought he had lost her to only find that she had infact forgiven him.
Grey shook his head as he thought back to some of the fights they have had. About other guys, and about other girls. Accusations being thrown every way; cussing, pushing (Only she pushed him, not he pushed her), yelling, walking away. That was the worst part for Grey. The walking away. He could never bare to see Madeline walk away when she was mad at him. He always had to fix it. It's how he worked.
"Let her have her space." His parents would tell him. But he could never do that. He always had to be there for her, be there when she finally forgave him. Give her a reason to forgive him. Sometimes she found it hard to do, but knew she couldn't live without him. In the end, however, everything worked itself out. Grey could never quite shake the fights they had though. The good times over whelmed the bads, so they got pushed to the back of Grey's mind, but he knew they were there.
Why? Why did I have to be so stupid? Why couldn't I have loved her more and not fought so much with her? Grey thought as he looked down at his half-eaten apple. Tears formed in his eyes, but he quickly wiped those away. He couldn't lose composure now. Not after all this time. Not after everything he has been through, and everything that he has done to get here. Not in public anyway.

Anger. It was always something Grey had kept inside. Not with Madeline. Oh no, but with himself. He was always angry with himself. If he had done this differently she'd still be here, or maybe it was that. He should have done both. He needed to do both. That was what he thought. It was her fault she fell ill and passed. It was his fault she was no longer with him. He drove her away. He must have. She would never leave under her own will. Not if she truly loved him.
Did she truly love me...? Of course she did! It was me! I am the one who never seemed like I loved her. But I did! I did, God! Why? Why! His mind was full of thoughts. Full of anger and sadness. He didn't know who to blame other than himself, so he blamed God. It was the only thing he could do to keep from doing something that would take his life as well. Too much anger for yourself will end up killing you, literally. Grey never wanted to blame God. It just kind of happened. He was thinking one day, and everything pointed to God taking her from him. Not him being too slow to do something, or not doing something all together, but God taking her. Not her not loving him, but God. So he blamed God. Who wouldn't? When you need to place the blame on someone else, you pick God. It's another thing in life that had to be balanced.

Tears were rolling down his cheeks now. He didn't even notice. His mind was so enveloped in the past that he never had time to realize that he was becoming more of an emotional wreck by the minute. He didn't notice the bell to signal lunch. He didn't notice people piling into the cafeteria. He didn't care, for that matter. His mind was with Madeline now. And if he had his choice, it would stay there. It was the only time he was happy now. But it also brang great sorrow. As much as he hated it, the past was more painful than losing her. He had to lose her over, and over, and over. Everytime he snapped back to the present he lost her again. It was almost too painful to bare sometimes.

"Grey?" A voice got through. "Grey? Hellllo! Is anyone there?"
Not only a voice, but also a hand now. Waving infront of him. Grey blinked a few times and wiped his eyes. They stung now. He had been crying for the past ten minutes and not even realizing.
"Yeah?" Grey spoke, trying to act like nothing was wrong.
"Are you alright?" The voice came again. It was his friend Jason. He hadn't known Jason all that long, since Grey first came to the school. Jason was Grey's best friend. He was one of Grey's only friends, actually.
"Yeah. I'm fine. Just thinking." Grey replied.
"About?"
"The past."
"Go on." Jason waved a hand in a circular motion, signaling Grey to continue.
"I don't know. Just stuff having to do with my girlfriend and family. Boring stuff, you know?" There was a little laugh in Grey's voice now. He never expected Jason to care, so what came next totally caught Grey off guard.
"Going to tell me more?" He actually sounded sincere with this. Like, dare I say it, a friend?
"Well, my girlfriend died last year. She came down with cancer, and they never caught it in time to help her." Grey stopped, he expected Jason to look bored, or uninterested, but instead he just nodded and waited for more to come. "I totally shut down after that. I mean, she was my world. She was my love. I did some bad stuff, and got into some bad situations. My parents didn't know what to do with me. They tried everything, but nothing worked. So in the end I was sent off to here, where each day I relive my past."
Grey had gotten deeper than he meant to. He was just talking now, not meaning to say some of the stuff he did. It was too late now, however. What was said was said. Anyone around them knew now, and Jason knew. Like every other guy, he would hold it against Grey eventually.
"That's harsh man." Jason spoke before taking a bite of his sandwich and waiting for Grey to keep going. Grey didn't know if he should though, everything was so painful to think about.
"Yeah, it is." Grey didn't know what to say, so he just started talking again. "I needed them the most in my life then, but they gave up on me. I needed Madeline the most in my life, but she left me. I always blame myself. Well, God and me. I miss her so much." Grey stopped and swallowed. There was a lump in his throat; he could feel tears starting to swell up. And again, to his surprise, Jason motioned for him to keep talking. It's like Jason knew that he just needed to talk. Like he knew what Grey was going through.
"There were so many good memories." A smile crossed Grey's face. "Like, I remember one time where we went to this play, Beauty and the Beast. It was probably one of the best days of my life. We watched the play, and then afterwards we went out and danced in the street. There were so many people around, but we didn't care. It was amazing..."
Jason nodded, then laughed a little and shook his head.
"Sounds like you two really loved each other."
"Yeah, we did...Wait, why haven't you stopped me? I mean, this can't interest you."
"Let's just say that I've been down a road like that. I've taken my bad turns, and hurt my share of people. Then got hurt myself. I know how it feels."

DING DING DING

Th bell signaling the end of lunch rang. Grey wasn't planning on heading to class though. He had too much on his mind that he had to get out. He said good bye to Jason and got up and walked out the doors to the outside of the school. A gust of wind hit his face and blew his hair back. He outstretched his arms and closed his eyes, just taking it all in. So many memories came back at once. So many laughs. There were a few questionable ones that Grey chose to push aside for the time being. He wasn't in the mood to think about those right now.
The warm breeze softened and Grey opened his eyes again. There was a world there. For the first time in a long time, he felt free. Letting it all out actually helped him. It was weird, he never had thought about doing that before, let alone to another guy. Then it hit him. And it hit him hard...The memory he was hoping never came back to him.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You bastard! I hate you!" Madeline screamed as she picked up a book and threw it at Jackson.
"What the hell? What did I do?" Jackson asked in a raised voice as he dodged the book. He knew what he had done though, but he never did what Madeline thought he did. Well, not completely. Jackson went out to a party one night and had a few too many drinks. Naturally, being good looking and all, attracted girls to him. He was drunk, so were the girls, and one thing lead to another and they started dancing, really close. The next few things that happened were out of Grey's control. There was a kiss, but her kissing him. And wouldn't you know it, Madeline had seen this. She never saw that Grey pushed the girl away though, or heard the things he yelled at her. The next day Jackson went over to see Madeline. That's when the fight happened.
"You know what you did! I can't believe you!" Tears were streaming out of Madeline's eyes as she searched for more things to throw at him. "I saw you two! I saw you kiss her!"
"Why are you being such a bitch? Nothing happened!" Grey had tried explaining over and over what had happened, but Madeline wouldn't listen to him. His anger rose, and so did hers. More words were yelled, more objects were thrown. The next thing that was said would haunt Jackson for his life.
"Get the hell out of my life, Madeline!" Jackson yelled this as he walked out the front door and slammed it. He got in his car and drove. He drove, and drove, and drove some more. There were so many things running through his head, and he wanted them all out. He was so angry with her, and she was so angry with him.
They never talked for the next couple of days, and when they did, Jackson got the news. Yes, the news. Madeline was sick, really sick. She was dying, and Jackson couldn't do anything but blame himself. If he had never said that to her then she wouldn't be sick. She would be fine...He did this to her. It was his fault.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"It's my fault. It's all my fault." Grey collapsed against the side of the school. Tears were rolling down his face again. He pulled his knees to his chest, and put his head in his hands and cried. He didn't care who saw him. He didn't care what he looked like. Nothing mattered to him right now. Nothing but the fact that he put that on her. He killed her...It was all his fault. Nothing would change that in his mind. Nothing, no one. He told the one he loved that he wanted her out of his life. Who would do such a thing?
"Why? Why did I have to say that?" Grey's voice was quiet and to himself. "Why am I so stupid...?"
Love me always, Jackson.
Her soft voice called. Grey's head shot up. He looked around. It sounded real. It sounded like she was there. He knew she couldn't have been, but he still hoped. Then he saw her. He got to his feet and started to run after her, just like his dream. Except this time he got closer, and she never moved. Her back was to him as he got to her, out of breath and a total mess.
"Madeline...I'm sorry." He put his hand on her shoulder, and she turned around...


“Please, God…Please don’t.” Jackson whispered as he buried his head into Maddie’s arm. She wasn’t conscious right now; the cancer had taken its toll on her big time. Jackson knew she didn’t like seeing him cry, so he was happy she couldn’t. He had to be strong…For her…
He sat up and wiped the tears from his eyes. He blinked a few times to get his barings, then looked around the room. It was dark outside, nothing but the moonlight lighting the night sky. It was depressing, really. Maddie used to go to camp, so whenever her and Jackson would talk something along the lines of, “we’re not really that far away. Look, we’re both looking at the same moon.”
Now they were in the same room, and she was slipping the furthest away she’d ever been. It was hard for him to look at her, so weak and so helpless.
“I’ll do anything…Please, God, don’t take her from me…Not like this, not now.” Jackson’s voice was a soft whisper now. He was talking to God, and getting nothing back. It was how all of their conversations went lately, or how Jackson thought they went. Maddie kept getting worse, and God was doing nothing about it. It has hard for Jackson to sit back and watch this and still keep faith…It was hard for him to believe.
A soft breeze blew through the room and Jackson looked back at the now open door. Maddie’s dad was standing in the middle of it, holding a cup of coffee in both hands. It was usually just Jackson and Maddie’s dad since her mom could never bare to bring herself to enter the room. Everytime Jackson saw her she was either crying or asleep. Never had he seen anyone like that, but he knew he was getting to that point himself.
“Thanks,” Jackson said as he took a cup from her Dad. “This is so hard. I wish I could do something.”
That was mostly to himself, but her Dad heard and gave him a sympathetic look. Or at least what looked to be a sympathetic look. Her dad was so tired. He, like Jackson, had not slept since Maddie had to go to Hospital. Their only form of energy was love and caffeine.
“I know, son…” Her dad spoke while he looked at Maddie. “I do to…We can only trust in God to do what is right with her now.”
“Trust God? How can you possibly say that?” Jackson snapped. “I know you’ve been praying, I know Mrs. Wilkinson has been praying, and I sure as hell have been praying! And for what?! Has God answered any of our prayers?! Has God even gave us a sign to show us that he is there? No! He’s ignored us!”
Jackson clenched his fist, his eyes teary and his heart racing. A hand was now on Jackson’s shoulder, of course it was Mr. Wilkinson’s.
“I know it is hard to have faith in this time. “Mr. Wilkinson said calmly.
That’s a bit of an understatement. Jackson thought as he kept his eyes glued to Maddie.
“But,” Mr. Wilkinson continued. “God is there for us, and he is watching over us. I know you find it hard to believe, but maybe he has bigger plans for Maddie. Maybe they will find new ways to treat her type of cancer because of her…Maybe-“
Jackson couldn’t listen anymore. He was on his feet and walking to the door now, not letting Mr. Wilkinson finish. Then he heard it, the sound that changed everything. The sound of a flat line. He knew what is was, and his heart sank. He didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know where he was, he didn’t even know if he was still alive. Everything was knocked back into him when he was pushed to the ground by a doctor. Everything else from there is a blur. No noise, no smell, no nothing. Just him, his eyes, and chaos. Him, his life, and death. He didn’t know what to do, so he passed out.